Every once in a while I am reminded of what happened not long ago. Or at least is seems like not that long ago. Almost two years have passed since I threw away my life in exchange for something different. When I look back at that choice, I don't think it was the wrong one, but how can anyone know for sure? I suppose the realization is that it was neither right nor wrong. It was simply a choice. It hurt people, quite a few in fact. For that I am regretful and that regret feeds that guilt which comes back to darken my doorstep from time to time, usually when I hear from others things my ex-wife says.
There is no way for me to know what she went through, but I can imagine it and even though it may only be a spark in an inferno of hurt and sadness, it is almost too much to bear and I am only imagining that which she actually had to feel. This is the guilt. This is the repercussion of what I did. What I did, I can not change. I know that. I know that I did what I felt I had to do and can not apologize enough for what followed. I also know that I did everything in my power to help her after, though I suppose this was mostly to make myself feel better. It didn't, but there you have it.
The guilt for what I did tore me down and beat me up for a long time. I don't feel that pain quite the same anymore as I stop running from it. I fucked up. I know. I can't change it or take it away or make it better. Part of me rages at the cage bars because of this. The other part, the part that is growing stronger, knows that I am allowed to forgive myself. That is the hard part. If I were on the outside, I would not view myself too highly. On the inside, I don't view myself from that time very highly. But I remind myself, I fucked up and I can't change it or take it back. All I can do is move forward and do the best I can now.
That is all any of us can do. In our lives we will hurt and be hurt and make poor choices and make good choices and life will continue to move on. Guilt will haunt us, that bitch that it can be, and though we should be cognizant of where it comes from and why, we can't live in it. Happiness lies in the now and it is in the now that we can make a difference and make a choice to be better. It is all we have and is far more precious then the negativity that some of our past would allow us to believe.
I am rambling now. I am sorry, truly for any pain I have ever caused. I am and will be better than that.
