I wrote a deleted a post last week. It was full of melancholic, emo shit more fitting of a teenager wearing eye liner than an 35 year old man, hence the deletion.
On the other hand, it was typical of the emotional rainbow on which I ride. Maybe it was just a week of some sort of male version of PMS. I was moody and depressed and over thinking and second guessing and all sorts of very tiring and boring activities that lead nowhere. I had a night out and a handful of drinks and I was okay again. I also let it be known that I felt like it was that time of the month minus the bleeding. A buddy laughed and then said that he too has had that. Other people feel the same stuff I do? The shit you can learn when you talk to people.
Each time I step into these little potholes, I learn something new.
I learn that the light is always there,even when I can't see it.
When depression sinks in, it seems limitless. A black hole where all happiness is sucked in with no escape. No one really loves you. You will never laugh again. You are pretty much shit. Or so the little fucker would have you believe.
Depression is someone behind you all the time, covering your eyes and whispering in your ear. Depression is an ass hole. In truth, there is happiness and confidence and laughter all the time. At that moment, though, you can't see it. You see in negatives. You have to find your outlet and let it out. Depression doesn't really like being the topic of conversation for too long. Eventually, he leaves.
I learn that it is all inside me.
All of the negative and self-defecation is me. It's all in my head and is being magnified by whatever chemicals or thoughts or whatever it is that brings this on. People out in the real world still care for you and love you. I tend to mistake whatever look they have as negative towards me. In actuality, they are just concerned and are unsure what to do. It is hard to bring that thought to the surface, that it is all in my head. When you are drowning, gasping for breath to live, it is hard to see the lifeline. But once you grasp it you are well on your way out of the water.
I learn that everyone experiences down turns
I am not the only one. Crazy.....and freeing.
Seeing these things that I do, these behaviors that have lead me down dark paths, is kind of surreal. It's like watching childhood home movies and gaping at the clothes your mother made you wear. I can't believe that I have never seen these things before. There they are, right in front of me, but I have been blind to them. It feels good to see that stuff. With my eyes a little more open, I can avoid slamming face first into a wall. What a concept.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Over Analytical Stupidity
A friend posted a link on facebook about an over thinking drinking game. You do one or two shots for doing things like second guessing yourself, or wondering if the world is against you because of you or because if it. Things like that. Reading through the list of things that would cause you to down an ounce of your favorite liquor, I realized something. I would be drunk all the time.
I know, big surprise.
As I read the list I started laughing, which turned to an uncomfortable giggle, and ended in the realization that if I carried a hip flask at all times, I would spend a large portion of every day passed out in a drunken fever. The habit of "what-if" has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Surprisingly, to me anyway, it has taken me this long to begin developing the attitude of "it was right at the time". I still struggle, though, and it is a slippery slope. One misstep and I am rerunning every decision from the past month in an attempt to.....well, I have no idea what the goal is. Second guessing past decisions is as pointless as worrying about future ones. You can't do anything about it at that time. (Take shots here)
I have always been a dedicated imaginer of assumption and fantasy as well. My brain gets off on trying to figure out the motivations of people around me, or of trying to analyze the smallest and most insignificant comment made. It might not be as big of an issue if my brain went off when it was happening, but that is rarely the case. That would mean that I could ask a question or talk it out. Oh, no. It is not that convenient. It usually occurs when the house or office is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy the voices in my head. Then I start to wonder. (take shots here)
Recently, it has been the over thinking of this latest relationship endeavor. What is she thinking? Does she like me like I like her? Is she dating other people? What does she want? Did I say the wrong thing? Could the last date have been better? (Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)
For fuck sake! I feel like a preteen girl dissecting every action of some boy. It is irrational and stupid. I know this. I can't seem to stop it, but I can see myself doing it and it is annoying. When I step out of my head and look at what actually happened, not what the motivations might have been, I can see that she does like me. We text and talk. We hold hands. We smooch. All positives, right? Not for me. (shot)
I wonder if she only does those things because she feels sorry for me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings. (3 shots). How stupid is that? Again, if I look at the hard facts, I am an idiot. (shot) She is independent and seems to be strong willed. She has a good sense of who she is and what she wants. Why would she put herself into a situation where she is trying to make some guy feel good about himself?
Answer: she wouldn't. (shot)
None of my friends would. They want to hang out with me for whatever reason. That reason doesn't matter. This is not a soap opera where people are moving people like pawns or trying to destroy someone. There aren't really "enemies" or covert friendships. That is fantasy and movies and TV shows and books. It is not real.
This is life.
Things are what they are and worrying or wondering about the subtext that may or may not exist is a waste of time and energy. We can't change past decisions. There are things we can't do anything about happening now. We can't read people's minds and most people aren't really all that devious that we should be concerned about them destroying our lives and laughing maniacally. Over thinking is stupid and pointless. I can't pretend that I will stop right away, it will be a long process, but if I don't do something about it, my liver will pack up and leave.
I know, big surprise.
As I read the list I started laughing, which turned to an uncomfortable giggle, and ended in the realization that if I carried a hip flask at all times, I would spend a large portion of every day passed out in a drunken fever. The habit of "what-if" has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Surprisingly, to me anyway, it has taken me this long to begin developing the attitude of "it was right at the time". I still struggle, though, and it is a slippery slope. One misstep and I am rerunning every decision from the past month in an attempt to.....well, I have no idea what the goal is. Second guessing past decisions is as pointless as worrying about future ones. You can't do anything about it at that time. (Take shots here)
I have always been a dedicated imaginer of assumption and fantasy as well. My brain gets off on trying to figure out the motivations of people around me, or of trying to analyze the smallest and most insignificant comment made. It might not be as big of an issue if my brain went off when it was happening, but that is rarely the case. That would mean that I could ask a question or talk it out. Oh, no. It is not that convenient. It usually occurs when the house or office is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy the voices in my head. Then I start to wonder. (take shots here)
Recently, it has been the over thinking of this latest relationship endeavor. What is she thinking? Does she like me like I like her? Is she dating other people? What does she want? Did I say the wrong thing? Could the last date have been better? (Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)
For fuck sake! I feel like a preteen girl dissecting every action of some boy. It is irrational and stupid. I know this. I can't seem to stop it, but I can see myself doing it and it is annoying. When I step out of my head and look at what actually happened, not what the motivations might have been, I can see that she does like me. We text and talk. We hold hands. We smooch. All positives, right? Not for me. (shot)
I wonder if she only does those things because she feels sorry for me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings. (3 shots). How stupid is that? Again, if I look at the hard facts, I am an idiot. (shot) She is independent and seems to be strong willed. She has a good sense of who she is and what she wants. Why would she put herself into a situation where she is trying to make some guy feel good about himself?
Answer: she wouldn't. (shot)
None of my friends would. They want to hang out with me for whatever reason. That reason doesn't matter. This is not a soap opera where people are moving people like pawns or trying to destroy someone. There aren't really "enemies" or covert friendships. That is fantasy and movies and TV shows and books. It is not real.
This is life.
Things are what they are and worrying or wondering about the subtext that may or may not exist is a waste of time and energy. We can't change past decisions. There are things we can't do anything about happening now. We can't read people's minds and most people aren't really all that devious that we should be concerned about them destroying our lives and laughing maniacally. Over thinking is stupid and pointless. I can't pretend that I will stop right away, it will be a long process, but if I don't do something about it, my liver will pack up and leave.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Slow and Steady
Ahhhh, the joys of meeting someone new. The excitement and freshness and fun and tingling anxiety is a wonderful high, especially when you meet someone that really catches you. As one might guess, I have met someone like this. It is all rather new for me and that is exciting and fresh and invigorating. This woman is petite and cute and fun. She likes to drink and play games and rock climb and camp and run and is into sci-fi and geek games and she is independent and strong and sexy. She has an amazing body with nice legs and a gravity defying ass (yes, I am a man and those things are important).
This thing between us is new because I had only spoken to her a few times before our first date. Every time we go out, we explore each other. I am not used to going out with someone that I did not know prior to dating. I like it, but it offers its own challenges. I don't always know what to do or to say or if it is okay to not talk for a bit or what she likes or does not like. I feel unprepared. The only thing I can do is to be myself.
What a fucking concept!
The only way I can approach being with her is to be myself, since I don't know what she would want, and to talk to her. I ask questions and we talk and discover. It's almost like I am doing it right.
She has a lot of the things that I have been looking for in a woman, which is great, right?
Yep.
Great, except for that anxiety that is not tingly.
I keep expecting a bomb to drop. What is the catch with her? She is vegetarian, but eats fish. That in itself is not really a big deal. It makes it a little harder when picking a restaurant, but whatever. So, if that is it. Win for me.
Another challenge I seem to be facing as this road opens before me is being over watchful for pot holes. There has to be some great fault that is going to blow this out of the water, right? She can't be this perfect. Or can she? I know that everyone has their quirks and ticks that we look past if we really like them. Some people have traits that you can't look past, however. I keep looking for hers and it is well annoying. The fact that I catch myself doing it makes it a little better. I see it, I back off. More often than not it is a soft whisper that I easily ignore when I am around her. Yet, it is there.
This voice of pessimism is a result of some bad relationships. It is my baggage creeping in and ruining the game for everyone. It is a royal annoyance, but it may also be helpful in the long run.
When I meet someone that I really like, I want to dive in and go full steam. My hesitations based on this belief that there has to be something about her that will break my heart has slowed me down. This is a good thing. Slow and steady and whatnot.
I know that I have to just relax and enjoy this; find the balance in the relationship. Take it slow, but not too slow. Hear the voice, but don't let it influence me. I have decided that I want something with this one. Something more than a friendship, more than just sex (which I haven't done yet, which says to me that I do really like her and it's not just physical). I want something meaningful. It really is an amazing feeling. My gut says that she and I can have that. My head says go for it. My heart is still a bit on the fence. Too much heartache will do that to you. I battle with my fear of intimacy. I catch myself over thinking. I ask what if.
I need to stop.
She is a lighthouse. She is a guide into this unknown. I need to relax, sit back and sail into the wind of what is growing here. I get the feeling that it will be a great ride.
This thing between us is new because I had only spoken to her a few times before our first date. Every time we go out, we explore each other. I am not used to going out with someone that I did not know prior to dating. I like it, but it offers its own challenges. I don't always know what to do or to say or if it is okay to not talk for a bit or what she likes or does not like. I feel unprepared. The only thing I can do is to be myself.
What a fucking concept!
The only way I can approach being with her is to be myself, since I don't know what she would want, and to talk to her. I ask questions and we talk and discover. It's almost like I am doing it right.
She has a lot of the things that I have been looking for in a woman, which is great, right?
Yep.
Great, except for that anxiety that is not tingly.
I keep expecting a bomb to drop. What is the catch with her? She is vegetarian, but eats fish. That in itself is not really a big deal. It makes it a little harder when picking a restaurant, but whatever. So, if that is it. Win for me.
Another challenge I seem to be facing as this road opens before me is being over watchful for pot holes. There has to be some great fault that is going to blow this out of the water, right? She can't be this perfect. Or can she? I know that everyone has their quirks and ticks that we look past if we really like them. Some people have traits that you can't look past, however. I keep looking for hers and it is well annoying. The fact that I catch myself doing it makes it a little better. I see it, I back off. More often than not it is a soft whisper that I easily ignore when I am around her. Yet, it is there.
This voice of pessimism is a result of some bad relationships. It is my baggage creeping in and ruining the game for everyone. It is a royal annoyance, but it may also be helpful in the long run.
When I meet someone that I really like, I want to dive in and go full steam. My hesitations based on this belief that there has to be something about her that will break my heart has slowed me down. This is a good thing. Slow and steady and whatnot.
I know that I have to just relax and enjoy this; find the balance in the relationship. Take it slow, but not too slow. Hear the voice, but don't let it influence me. I have decided that I want something with this one. Something more than a friendship, more than just sex (which I haven't done yet, which says to me that I do really like her and it's not just physical). I want something meaningful. It really is an amazing feeling. My gut says that she and I can have that. My head says go for it. My heart is still a bit on the fence. Too much heartache will do that to you. I battle with my fear of intimacy. I catch myself over thinking. I ask what if.
I need to stop.
She is a lighthouse. She is a guide into this unknown. I need to relax, sit back and sail into the wind of what is growing here. I get the feeling that it will be a great ride.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)