I have lost connection with a lot of people that I should not have.
The friends that we make in life are important. They help fill our lives with all of the things that life can be. They are supports. Sometimes we do things and some of the people get shoved aside. I am ashamed that I have shoved aside the people that I have.
When I left my wife, a lot of people were really upset with me. Some of them still won't talk to me and I understand. I know that I made mistakes, that I did things without thinking - regardless of whether they were the right thing to do or not. The friends that I am reconnecting with, the relationship is still not the same. I suppose this is a byproduct of actions taken and things not said. I don't expect everyone to turn around, shake my hand and tell me that all is forgiven. How could I? Some words, once spoke, can't be taken back. But I have to try.
Real friends are hard to come by.
The thing about meeting people - lovers are easy, friends are hard. The right combination of clothing and small talk can land you a lover, but friends - friends are a mystery.*
There have been plenty of lovers in and out of my life. Some of them were meant to go, others I wish had stayed longer, and others I wish I had not left when I did. But I did. It's the friends that hurt the most. One thing I miss about my ex-wife is the friendship, the companionship. We may not have been perfect together, but we cared (still care). Having people care about you is an understated pleasure in life.
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I can't go back and put the words back in my mouth or fix the broken relationships in my life.
All we can ever do is work and hope that we are forgiven and accepted again. If not, perhaps it is important to realize that what we did or said hurt people. Then we don't do or say those things again. Then we grow a little. Buddhism tells us to detach ourselves from worldly things. Nothing is permanent. The things that I have lost are not important. The people are. Since I am a far cry from a Bodhisattva I still miss them.
So, I am attempting to reconnect. It helps to believe that I am making everything out to be something that it isn't and that I am underestimating the people that I have so rudely shoved aside. They were all good people.
The friends that still try with me are a blessing. The ones that were pissed at me, but stayed are gifts that I can't be thankful enough for. I know that I would be that and more for them.
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People come and go. They affect us and the move us and we laugh with them and cry with them and get drunk with them and eat meals together. Some leave and the leave a mark on us. Others stay a bit longer and we watch them grow and change and mature and lose and gain. And some of them leave and their mark changes us. Still others stay longer. They grow old with us. You watch the world change together and you lean on each other as that world moves just as fast as you slow down. We cry when they leave this world, which is the only way they could ever leave us. Those are the people who have become a part of us.
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Everyone is important.
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We will leave traces, for we are people and not cities.*
*Steven Dietz
*Ionesco
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monsters Inside Us
I find that there are still traces of my great depression of '10-'11 lingering around the periphery of my vision. They dance around like the shadows at night in the room of a small child. They are the monsters under my bed and most days go unnoticed. But, like all memories, they are still in the corner of my mind. Though I have learned to step back and look at these things as objectively as possible, I just don't know how to step back enough so that the mind does not follow the body when the depression threatens to crawl out and drag me down again.
Is it possible to get past those days and nights when we were at our worst?
After talking to a friend about things that I had done, she made the comment that she was amazed at my stories. She said I didn't seem like the guy who would lash out at people or walls or raise my voice to anyone. At one point in my life I would have agreed with her and as I was trying to reassure her that it takes a lot to get me to that point where I can't control myself, I wasn't sure if I was reassuring her or me.
Those days and nights are still a blur for me and I still don't know who that was. It was as if this other person had stepped into my skin and taken over. He ruined relationships, screamed at people, ignored the people who cared and threw himself over the edge. The fact that the things I was doing were not healthy did not seem to register. That fact that he is me is still hard to accept.
I was doing things that were out of character for me. I wouldn't stop. I contemplated suicide. I drank to escape. I took pills to chase whatever it was I was drinking so I might escape even further. I did not want to live because I didn't know who I was or what I was doing or why I was doing it. Those things were threatening to devour me. Many of the thoughts are still there, but more as a reflection of the time than as a current state of mind.
Do we all have this monster inside of us?
I know that I have spent the majority of my life stuffing emotions and hiding my feelings and thoughts from the light. I believe that my monster was the manifestation of all of these things come to life. I believe that the shadows dancing at the corners of my vision are a reminder, a warning of what will come if I choose to avoid changing the things that need to be changed.
Perhaps we all have this unknown creature hiding somewhere in the depths of our psyches. For the most part it stays that way, lurking about but not rearing its ugly head. There are moments, however, where the little things we do that we don't talk about, the unspoken things, are too much to contain and it is like adding water to a full glass. These are the moments when we are at our worst. These are the times when we can only learn from our mistakes and hope the people around us can forgive.
I meditate now before I go to bed.
We are all looking for answers and many people find these answers in religion and spirituality. I am not a religious man. The path that seems to make the most sense for me is one focused on spirituality and finding the answers in yourself. For six or seven years now, the path of Buddhism has intrigued me. Like an estranged father, it has stood back until I was able to look to it for guidance. I would not call myself Buddhist, but reading and pondering and meditating on the concepts and ideas of Buddhism helps me. I like how it places the burden of enlightenment on me and at the same time that this idea is freeing, it is that burden that I struggle with. Knowing that I struggle and looking for answers instead of ignoring the problems is a step forward.
I have seen the monster that is inside me and he still whispers up from the darkness to remind me of where I have been and what will happen if I choose to go there again. But we all must learn, somehow, and the steps we take afterwards are what really count. I talk to people now. I am actively trying to find my answers. I am slowly (hopefully not too slowly) walking in a relationship that is actually healthy. I am trying to live where I am instead of where I think I want to be.
One thing I have definitely learned is that the grass only seems greener on the other side. Enjoying the grass on this side of the fence is one way for me to keep my monsters in check and under the bed where they belong.
Little steps for a long journey.
Is it possible to get past those days and nights when we were at our worst?
After talking to a friend about things that I had done, she made the comment that she was amazed at my stories. She said I didn't seem like the guy who would lash out at people or walls or raise my voice to anyone. At one point in my life I would have agreed with her and as I was trying to reassure her that it takes a lot to get me to that point where I can't control myself, I wasn't sure if I was reassuring her or me.
Those days and nights are still a blur for me and I still don't know who that was. It was as if this other person had stepped into my skin and taken over. He ruined relationships, screamed at people, ignored the people who cared and threw himself over the edge. The fact that the things I was doing were not healthy did not seem to register. That fact that he is me is still hard to accept.
I was doing things that were out of character for me. I wouldn't stop. I contemplated suicide. I drank to escape. I took pills to chase whatever it was I was drinking so I might escape even further. I did not want to live because I didn't know who I was or what I was doing or why I was doing it. Those things were threatening to devour me. Many of the thoughts are still there, but more as a reflection of the time than as a current state of mind.
Do we all have this monster inside of us?
I know that I have spent the majority of my life stuffing emotions and hiding my feelings and thoughts from the light. I believe that my monster was the manifestation of all of these things come to life. I believe that the shadows dancing at the corners of my vision are a reminder, a warning of what will come if I choose to avoid changing the things that need to be changed.
Perhaps we all have this unknown creature hiding somewhere in the depths of our psyches. For the most part it stays that way, lurking about but not rearing its ugly head. There are moments, however, where the little things we do that we don't talk about, the unspoken things, are too much to contain and it is like adding water to a full glass. These are the moments when we are at our worst. These are the times when we can only learn from our mistakes and hope the people around us can forgive.
I meditate now before I go to bed.
We are all looking for answers and many people find these answers in religion and spirituality. I am not a religious man. The path that seems to make the most sense for me is one focused on spirituality and finding the answers in yourself. For six or seven years now, the path of Buddhism has intrigued me. Like an estranged father, it has stood back until I was able to look to it for guidance. I would not call myself Buddhist, but reading and pondering and meditating on the concepts and ideas of Buddhism helps me. I like how it places the burden of enlightenment on me and at the same time that this idea is freeing, it is that burden that I struggle with. Knowing that I struggle and looking for answers instead of ignoring the problems is a step forward.
I have seen the monster that is inside me and he still whispers up from the darkness to remind me of where I have been and what will happen if I choose to go there again. But we all must learn, somehow, and the steps we take afterwards are what really count. I talk to people now. I am actively trying to find my answers. I am slowly (hopefully not too slowly) walking in a relationship that is actually healthy. I am trying to live where I am instead of where I think I want to be.
One thing I have definitely learned is that the grass only seems greener on the other side. Enjoying the grass on this side of the fence is one way for me to keep my monsters in check and under the bed where they belong.
Little steps for a long journey.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Smallest Ripple
Is this all there is?
I keep asking myself if this is really all that life is. Then I ask myself what I expected it to be. We wake up, we go to work or school or outside to play (those things if we are lucky) and we talk to people and have a drink or a meal and watch some TV or play with the kids or help them with homework and then we sleep so we can do it all again the next day. We do that until we die.
Is there a point to it?
We go to work to make money to buy stuff like food and clothes and shelter and fun so that we can eat and be warm. Are we just surviving so that we can eventually die, hopefully after having had a bit of fun and having done something worth while? How does this make us any different than any other animal?
Are we different?
Looking at the way we treat most of the other living creatures on the planet, it would seem that we are better than them. At least, that would be where we place ourselves. But if we look at what life seems to be, a series of activities we perform in order to eat, be warm, be sheltered and happy it looks like we are doing the same thing even the smallest ant is doing. Our methods are different, more complicated, but I am struggling to see any real difference. We live to survive. We are born to die.
But that is the beginning and the end. That part is pretty simple. The middle part is where it all becomes a bit muddled. Is it really as cliche as to say it is what we do with the time we have that matters? I keep staring at one thought trying to make sense of it. Does anything we do really make a difference?
As soon as I wrote that down, an answer jumped out at me. Yes. It makes a difference to the people around us. If I wake up and go to work I have made a bit of cash to satisfy a bit of Maslow for myself. I have also helped my coworkers to get through their day a little easier. The work I have done has helped to produce something that will save someone's life. The money I spend on food will help someone else make money so they can eat and have a roof and clothes. If I make a phone call to a friend and we go out for a night, we both benefit from laughing and talking so that the next day we might laugh and talk with someone else and they will do the same and so on and so on. The butterfly effect.
The ripple I make will spread and can affect a lot of people. So few of them know it, but it is happening all the time. The keyboard I am typing on was made by someone who wants to make some money and to eat and to have a home to go to. Have I ever thought, "thanks dude or lady who made this keyboard that is allowing me to write this which will in turn help me figure something out to alleviate my mood so that I might do something that will help someone else who will help someone else and on and on and on."
I am humbled and empowered.
The enormity of this is now threatening to devour me. At the same time that I can impact so much by simply waking up in the morning, it is humbling to think of how little I affect as well. I doubt that this blog will affect the wars in the Middle East, but maybe it will (I recognize the absurdity of the notion). Someone might read it and decide to stop fighting which might stop one other person and on and on. There is potential in nearly every action we take to affect someone that could change the world. It's like the movie Lady in the Water. The words of one man put on paper could affect the life of some child who later becomes a world leader. Then again, they might not. They might just entertain someone for a few hours. But even that has an effect.
I had no idea that me questioning the value of my life would lead me down this stream of thought. But I am glad it did. I have realized something. What I am doing with my life may not be perfect for me at this moment, but it is affecting something. Everything we do affects something or someone. So, this is why it is so important to practice mindfulness everyday. It is also an example of how we are all connected to each other. We are all just trying to have food and shelter and to be happy, whatever that means. Isn't that what all living things are trying to do?
Even the smallest stone causes a ripple. Even the smallest action has value. I guess this is as much a warning as it is hopeful.
I keep asking myself if this is really all that life is. Then I ask myself what I expected it to be. We wake up, we go to work or school or outside to play (those things if we are lucky) and we talk to people and have a drink or a meal and watch some TV or play with the kids or help them with homework and then we sleep so we can do it all again the next day. We do that until we die.
Is there a point to it?
We go to work to make money to buy stuff like food and clothes and shelter and fun so that we can eat and be warm. Are we just surviving so that we can eventually die, hopefully after having had a bit of fun and having done something worth while? How does this make us any different than any other animal?
Are we different?
Looking at the way we treat most of the other living creatures on the planet, it would seem that we are better than them. At least, that would be where we place ourselves. But if we look at what life seems to be, a series of activities we perform in order to eat, be warm, be sheltered and happy it looks like we are doing the same thing even the smallest ant is doing. Our methods are different, more complicated, but I am struggling to see any real difference. We live to survive. We are born to die.
But that is the beginning and the end. That part is pretty simple. The middle part is where it all becomes a bit muddled. Is it really as cliche as to say it is what we do with the time we have that matters? I keep staring at one thought trying to make sense of it. Does anything we do really make a difference?
As soon as I wrote that down, an answer jumped out at me. Yes. It makes a difference to the people around us. If I wake up and go to work I have made a bit of cash to satisfy a bit of Maslow for myself. I have also helped my coworkers to get through their day a little easier. The work I have done has helped to produce something that will save someone's life. The money I spend on food will help someone else make money so they can eat and have a roof and clothes. If I make a phone call to a friend and we go out for a night, we both benefit from laughing and talking so that the next day we might laugh and talk with someone else and they will do the same and so on and so on. The butterfly effect.
The ripple I make will spread and can affect a lot of people. So few of them know it, but it is happening all the time. The keyboard I am typing on was made by someone who wants to make some money and to eat and to have a home to go to. Have I ever thought, "thanks dude or lady who made this keyboard that is allowing me to write this which will in turn help me figure something out to alleviate my mood so that I might do something that will help someone else who will help someone else and on and on and on."
I am humbled and empowered.
The enormity of this is now threatening to devour me. At the same time that I can impact so much by simply waking up in the morning, it is humbling to think of how little I affect as well. I doubt that this blog will affect the wars in the Middle East, but maybe it will (I recognize the absurdity of the notion). Someone might read it and decide to stop fighting which might stop one other person and on and on. There is potential in nearly every action we take to affect someone that could change the world. It's like the movie Lady in the Water. The words of one man put on paper could affect the life of some child who later becomes a world leader. Then again, they might not. They might just entertain someone for a few hours. But even that has an effect.
I had no idea that me questioning the value of my life would lead me down this stream of thought. But I am glad it did. I have realized something. What I am doing with my life may not be perfect for me at this moment, but it is affecting something. Everything we do affects something or someone. So, this is why it is so important to practice mindfulness everyday. It is also an example of how we are all connected to each other. We are all just trying to have food and shelter and to be happy, whatever that means. Isn't that what all living things are trying to do?
Even the smallest stone causes a ripple. Even the smallest action has value. I guess this is as much a warning as it is hopeful.
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