I have lost connection with a lot of people that I should not have.
The friends that we make in life are important. They help fill our lives with all of the things that life can be. They are supports. Sometimes we do things and some of the people get shoved aside. I am ashamed that I have shoved aside the people that I have.
When I left my wife, a lot of people were really upset with me. Some of them still won't talk to me and I understand. I know that I made mistakes, that I did things without thinking - regardless of whether they were the right thing to do or not. The friends that I am reconnecting with, the relationship is still not the same. I suppose this is a byproduct of actions taken and things not said. I don't expect everyone to turn around, shake my hand and tell me that all is forgiven. How could I? Some words, once spoke, can't be taken back. But I have to try.
Real friends are hard to come by.
The thing about meeting people - lovers are easy, friends are hard. The right combination of clothing and small talk can land you a lover, but friends - friends are a mystery.*
There have been plenty of lovers in and out of my life. Some of them were meant to go, others I wish had stayed longer, and others I wish I had not left when I did. But I did. It's the friends that hurt the most. One thing I miss about my ex-wife is the friendship, the companionship. We may not have been perfect together, but we cared (still care). Having people care about you is an understated pleasure in life.
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I can't go back and put the words back in my mouth or fix the broken relationships in my life.
All we can ever do is work and hope that we are forgiven and accepted again. If not, perhaps it is important to realize that what we did or said hurt people. Then we don't do or say those things again. Then we grow a little. Buddhism tells us to detach ourselves from worldly things. Nothing is permanent. The things that I have lost are not important. The people are. Since I am a far cry from a Bodhisattva I still miss them.
So, I am attempting to reconnect. It helps to believe that I am making everything out to be something that it isn't and that I am underestimating the people that I have so rudely shoved aside. They were all good people.
The friends that still try with me are a blessing. The ones that were pissed at me, but stayed are gifts that I can't be thankful enough for. I know that I would be that and more for them.
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People come and go. They affect us and the move us and we laugh with them and cry with them and get drunk with them and eat meals together. Some leave and the leave a mark on us. Others stay a bit longer and we watch them grow and change and mature and lose and gain. And some of them leave and their mark changes us. Still others stay longer. They grow old with us. You watch the world change together and you lean on each other as that world moves just as fast as you slow down. We cry when they leave this world, which is the only way they could ever leave us. Those are the people who have become a part of us.
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Everyone is important.
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We will leave traces, for we are people and not cities.*
*Steven Dietz
*Ionesco
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