FOIC Platinum Member

Apparently, and probably rather obvious to the world, I have a fear of intimacy.  Duh, right?  The fact that I am dense is nothing new, so it is probably no surprise that I didn't see it until recently.  Even then it had to be shown to me.  How clueless we can be to things so obvious.
I would like to pin the beginning of my aversion to a necessary element of any relationship to Jill, but it may be from much earlier.
I don't mean to blame it on her, but to that relationship and that moment in time.  She was the first woman to really get me to open up and show her all the sides of me.  She was also the first one to reject me afterwards.  That is a bag that was packed full and gets lugged around into every new venture I attempt.  To make it so much heavier, the last relationship that I engaged myself in, that I poured myself into, has made it so much worse.  The women I have met since haven't really had a chance.  It is unfair to all parties involved.
Is this one of those cases where recognizing it will allow me to deconstruct it?
I hope so.
It usually rears its head after I have begun to open up and allow myself to feel close to someone.  It then points out all of the little things about that person that are annoying or contrary.  Then, it continues to point them out and to tell me why that stuff is no good for me and that I need to move on.  It's like a judgmental mother tearing down every woman her son meets so she doesn't lose him to some "hussy" who isn't good enough.  It's also a huge pain in the ass.
Fear of anything prevents us from fully engaging and enjoying the things life offers.  This particular fear pushes away anything good that could open us up to those things.  When a person is a "heart breaker" they may very well be a not-so-proud card carrying member of the FOIC, the Fear of Intimacy Club.  I think I may be a platinum member which grants me access to a more fully developed ability to fabricate reasons to not be with someone, an insiders list of qualities in people that will be annoying later on in life, and clearer vision to see all of these things.  The least I could get with this would be a free buffet once a month.
It is not too much of a stretch to think that my fear was one of the sledgehammers knocking the already weak cornerstones out of my marriage.  In fact, it probably had the wedge in way prior to any vows being spoken.  I know it did.  That fear was the voice telling me to give it 5 years.  It was the lock on the door that, if opened, would have given us a chance at something real and long term.  My god, that sucks.
Seeing it plainly, in black and white makes it so obvious and so real that I can't help but pull a face-palm.  I am such an idiot sometimes (more often than not, even).
I guess the benefit lies in seeing it.  It's not a mystery.  I know it is there and I know that I do it.  Remembering this and working to knock it off might actually let me have something deep and meaningful.  It might let me have that relationship that I know I want, but struggle in allowing myself to have. 

I feel like it is getting to the point that I am going to spend so much time trying to point out which fear I am succumbing to that I will end up missing any relationship I am in.
So much for relaxing and enjoying the sunshine....blergh.

Unwelcome Weekend Guest

Depression is an unwelcome weekend guest back from vacation, soon to be off again.  I never know when he will knock on my door or when I will find the baggage packed.  He doesn't stick around as long now, nor do his soft whisperings of hopelessness ring as true, but there he is.  At work, at play, driving home, choosing movies and songs - the sad eyes are on me.  It's draining telling him to fuck off all the time.  I guess it's good that I recognize his shadow enough to say it.
Writing about him usually sends him off for coffee, at least for a bit.   

Its Cold Breath

It sits on the edge of my vision, waiting for me to let my guard down so that it might strike.  I see it crouched and poised to leap.  I circle it, keeping as wide a distance as I can.  Without being able to look right at it, I can only guess when I will find myself falling again, knocked over the edge and spiraling towards an unseen and possibly nonexistent bottom. 
I fear it.  I feel it.
The depression doesn't seem to go away for good.  Now that I have free time, it stalks me again.  Now I know that I still have so much to do to get myself past all of this.  I wonder at the possibility of true freedom from its dark embrace.  Its breath was soft on my neck yesterday.  I would stop and try to look at it, take a step back, observe and question it to no avail.  Tendrils still reach out to me.  It is a scary feeling to glimpse the hole that you once lived in and have worked so hard to escape.  Doubt weaves its way into your thoughts. 
Maybe I didn't do enough to get better.  I haven't taken the time to meditate enough.  Why did I start to open myself again when I am not ready.  Why am I not ready?  Am I not good enough?  Can I love myself?  Do I deserve to?  There is no way out.  I can't live in this world this way.  I will never be happy.  And on and on and on.......
Storm clouds begin to roll in and although I can see the light framing the storm, I can't feel its warmth.  I am scared of the dark. 

I am still trying, though.

I can do better. 
I don't have to let it win.
Right?