It sits on the edge of my vision, waiting for me to let my guard down so that it might strike. I see it crouched and poised to leap. I circle it, keeping as wide a distance as I can. Without being able to look right at it, I can only guess when I will find myself falling again, knocked over the edge and spiraling towards an unseen and possibly nonexistent bottom.
I fear it. I feel it.
The depression doesn't seem to go away for good. Now that I have free time, it stalks me again. Now I know that I still have so much to do to get myself past all of this. I wonder at the possibility of true freedom from its dark embrace. Its breath was soft on my neck yesterday. I would stop and try to look at it, take a step back, observe and question it to no avail. Tendrils still reach out to me. It is a scary feeling to glimpse the hole that you once lived in and have worked so hard to escape. Doubt weaves its way into your thoughts.
Maybe I didn't do enough to get better. I haven't taken the time to meditate enough. Why did I start to open myself again when I am not ready. Why am I not ready? Am I not good enough? Can I love myself? Do I deserve to? There is no way out. I can't live in this world this way. I will never be happy. And on and on and on.......
Storm clouds begin to roll in and although I can see the light framing the storm, I can't feel its warmth. I am scared of the dark.
I am still trying, though.
I can do better.
I don't have to let it win.
Right?
No comments:
Post a Comment