My Broken Ego

For the past few weeks I have been reeling with anger and sadness and this deep, unforgiving ache in my chest.  I dream about her.  I think about her all day every day.   It has become an obsession of sorts and the resulting mental state has actually begun to concern me.  Five weeks ago I left the remains of an attempt to reestablish a relationship that meant a lot to me.  I was not rejected outright.  I had to leave because she would not let me go.  I have ideas as to why, but she has only said that she was confused and did not know what she wanted.  I don’t believe this to be true.  I believe she did know, but she wanted to be sure on some level.  Because of her need for this security of decision, I was put into a position where I had to wait for the woman I love to come to a decision as to whether or not she wanted to be with me. 

Not an enviable place to be.

For weeks I struggled with letting go and “being like water” and rolling with events as they occurred.  I was told that I was missed and that she loved that her bed smelled like me again.  For four days, I was shown the life that I wanted and would be missing.  At the end of those four days, I was ready to let that life happen. 

She was still confused. 

Not only was she confused about me but about the other man that she had begun seeing.  Her relationship with him was fresh and for this reason I am confused as to what the issue was.  The man that she had just started seeing was the better option, in her eyes, than the man she had been seeing.  But the man she had been seeing had broken her heart.  She was angry with him and was hoping that the hurt would go away so she could love him.  But it wasn’t going away.  She wasn’t releasing it.  So she fed on the words of another as to my motivations.  He did not think they were as honorable as they were.  I only wanted a second chance to get our relationship right.  I only wanted to love her again and to be loved by her.

But she could not see that.  Just as I could not see her attempts to get me back because I was angry at being pushed away for months prior to ending the relationship.  She had cut me off emotionally and I am not a person that can live that way for long.  I don’t remember the last time she had said she loved me without me saying it first.  So, when she made her somewhat veiled attempts (of which I learned about from her after the fact) I was unable to see them for what they were.  I am a stubborn fuck.  It’s a flaw. 

It took a true and real moment in a coffee shop for my eyes and brain and heart to all see her again. I loved her so deeply in that moment that I swallowed my pride and anger and asked her to try again.  Those words lead to the weeks of struggle.  During that time I had told her to do what she needed to do and to talk to me if she wanted to try again.  She kept feeding me crumbs, though I don’t know if she did it on purpose.  Her tokens of attention and love were like a trail back to her that I fed on.  Only she kept leaving crumbs and I could not see the end, could not achieve satiation. 

In one discussion, after the teaser days of love, I found out she was still talking to the other guy.  She had said she wasn’t.  For once in my life I really stood up for my feelings and started to walk out.  She stopped me and told me she wanted to try again.  My brain and my gut screamed warnings.  My heart said stay.  So I did.  I knew that she didn’t want it, and I was right.  Five days later I asked her why she was distancing herself.  She said it’s because she still didn’t know what she wanted.  I asked her if she was still talking to the other guy.  She was.  She told me earlier that she wasn’t.  My heart broke.  It broke hard.  It broke like it has not been broken in a long time. 

This was five weeks ago, almost. 

I miss her terribly. 

My heart has been hurting for a while and I have been struggling to figure out why it hurts like this.  To be honest, our relationship was hard.  I swallowed anxieties for a long time so that I could be with her.  She doesn’t really understand that.  She lied to me and pushed me away for a good portion of our time together.   She lied to me about wanting to get back together just to keep me around (her words).   That is not okay and I know that is not okay.  So I have been asking myself, why. 

Today it dawned on me.

I miss her touch and her kiss and her cooking and her smile and her laugh and draping my arms over her when we slept and resting my head on her shoulder when I woke up before she did and her eyes and hand on my neck when I drove and the way we had sex and the way we would talk and her calling me sweetie. 

I miss all of these things.  But I believe that the reason I am struggling to escape from beneath the shadow of this thing is because her actions, or perhaps more rightly her lack of preferable actions, has broken both my heart and my ego.  In my mind, she chose someone else over me.  Heartache I am used to.  Bruised ego is a whole other story.  It brings to the surface some pretty major issues that I am going to have to look at.  As revealing as it is, it doesn’t bring much relief.  I still can’t go certain places or do certain things without seeing her there with me. 

I have never worked for love like I worked for hers.  I love her as much today as I did when I first spoke those words to her.  I may always.  I suppose I am blessed to feel that, but I don’t feel blessed. 

I don’t look forward to dreams of her.  I don’t look forward to breaking down in chest aching sobbing.  But I will get over that.  I have done it before. 

I just miss her so much.