I Feel Good

I am still living in fear.  This time it is different though. 

A lot has happened since my last post, the deletion of my blog, and now this.  She and I have finished.  It was horrible.  I saw a side of myself that I didn't even know existed.  This beast came up from just under the surface and filled my apartment with more rage than I have ever experienced.  She drove me to the edge and I couldn't seem to back away.  I fell.  I asked her to leave and she wouldnt' leave and I asked again and again and she wouldn't leave and then I started to scream.  There was this voice in the back of my head saying "what the fuck are you doing?  This is out of control."
It was out of control.  It was ugly and horrible.  It was the face of our relationship rearing its head.  After she left I cried from somewhere deep inside.  I sobbed.  I couldn't stop.  All the rage that welled up had run its course and all I was left with was emptiness.

Then the change had to begin. 

A few days later I began to feel something I had not felt in a long time.  Calm.  I was calm inside and out.  The feelings that were coming up from my marriage were manageable.  They were all I had to deal with.  So I did. 
It has only gotten better since. 
I have had to take steps I never thought I would, but they had to be made. 
I don't talk to her anymore.  I can't.  It brings up so much anxiety.  I can't breathe. 
I have begun to move on.  It is better.

I met someone.  She is great.  Cute, fun, nice, confident and strong, petite, blue eyes, great style, intelligent, and there is a passion that lies beneath the surface.  It will come out, I think, when she feels safe.  She is coming out of something bad as well.  It is moving slowly, which is good, but is a big change for me.  I always dive in head first.  I can't do that this time.  She is taking it slowly which means I must as well.  It is better this way. 
It also feeds some of my insecurities.  I haven't talked with her today and all the voices come up and whisper their little beads of bullshit into my ear. 
It is fear again.  Fear.  I hate fear. 
Fear that she doesn't like me.  That she doesn't want me. 
Then the voice of reason comes out and says "hey shithead.  Have you done anything bad?  Didn't you have a good conversation last night?  Isn't it possible she is just chillin out?"
I am such a woman. 
I have a hard time helping it, though.  Every time there is a woman that I like, that challenges me, that I like whether she likes me or not, she leaves.  Jill, Krissy.  They fucked me up.  They are my baggage. 
I must get over it.
Give it time. 
Time. 
This one could be good and it scares the shit out of me. 
I like her and it feels good.  It feels warm, not hot.  It feels kind.  It feels good.

I feel good.
People have been saying that it is good to have me back. 
It feels good.
It really does.