Only Lonely Sometimes

I miss my ex-wife at the most random times. 
I am lying in bed tonight and I am thinking about some of our big fights before I left.  Then I think about my life with her before it all blew up and it all seems like a blur.  None of it can even be real.  For me to be sitting here at midnight in a tiny apartment by myself is almost absurd.  How did I get here from trips to England, nights of her stir fry and Frank Sinatra and the scratching patter of animal feet on hardwood floors?  Life has been moving so fast for the past year that it has taken to this point for me to even be able to stop and see it. 

Sure, I am having some fun right now.  I enjoy the freedom that I have.  I can do what I want, when I want.  I don't have to discuss or plan around anyone but myself.  There is a joy in that kind of unchained life plan.  I am learning to enjoy being by myself, even though I am rarely alone.  There is a rush of women in my life, in and out leaving their mark on me as I am on them. 

But none of it seems real. 

That life that I was putting together seems real.  The wife, the house, the pets, the routine.  It all seemed so real.  Instead of bed by ten, I am lucky if I can get myself to bed before 12.  I can see the comfort in the known, the expected.  I am currently being pushed along this current of life and am grabbing at whatever passes by, but I feel a yearning to find myself a friendly shore. 
I find some relief in this little desire of mine.  It means that I still want something more.  I still want to feel something real with someone else.  The little flings that I have been having are fun and good in their own way, but they are not "real" in the sense that they are what they are.  Flings.  Sex.  A day at the beach.  That is what they are.  I am living on the surface of this vast ocean of what a relationship can be.  I am not ready to take a breath and go under, not yet.  The unexplored expanse of the heart is still fine where it is.  I am in a life raft still. 

I hurt sometimes.  I hurt for my ruined relationship and I hurt for the chaos that followed.  I hurt for playing a game with someone's life.  I hurt for not seeing the things in front of me for what they were.  It is a challenge some days. 
Some days I am lonely. 
Some days I am filled with this joy at the realization that this is life.  This pain and the unexpected and the laughing and drinks and beaches and breezes and sunshine and rain and 8 hour work days.  It's all life.  It is always moving.  I have been standing still for a while.  It took that while to see that no matter what I choose to do, life is still moving.  I can sit back and watch it, or I can live it.

I do miss her.  The blue eyes, those few moments when she really allowed herself to be vulnerable, the silliness, the life we had.  I miss it.  But I can either keep missing it and living in something that is not there, or I can find out what is ahead of me.  I keep opening doors and stepping in right now, rarely passing one by.  I am not sure what I am looking for, exactly.  I do know that I will know it when I see it, though.