I am struggling with the confusion of my thoughts and feelings. The swirling of another few days living with melancholy and nostalgia has left me with a sadness that I can't seem to shake and that I don't understand. It stems from something outside of my grasp. I don't understand it even as I am looking at it. My microscope of rationalization is failing me and I am left waiting for clarity.
It started on Saturday.
I was supposed to have a date. The date turned into what would have been a dinner with her family. I couldn't do it. The weight of anxiety pressed on my chest, shortened my breath and sent my head spinning into a snowball that picked up every stress and piece of emotional baggage that my train of thought came across. The final avalanche that threatened me is a warning that I am still not ready.
The frustration is nearly overwhelming.
I admit to my part in the anxiety and hope that someday I will actually learn. Instead of talking to her before it became an issue, I waited and tried to find a way to still spend the time with her but in a way that I might be able to handle it. The most frustrating part is that it was just dinner with her family, but that act means so much more and I think we have placed a certain importance on it and on its significance. Is it that I don't trust myself to take that step and to survive it myself, or is it that I don't know what I want with her? I have been happy being with her when us being together was relaxed and unassuming. Just two people having fun together. That was easy. It is when I consider opening myself to her that the levy threatens to break.
Part of this comes from a fear to trust women emotionally. Not being able to trust is a new thing for me since I trust right away with the assumption that everyone is basically decent. We talked about this whole situation and she said she can cool it for a bit to give me some time to work shit out. I want to believe her but my new baggage brings with it mistrust. I am angry with myself for allowing the past to creep in so deeply and hold my heart. We all have a past that defines us and that we have to deal with. It is times like these that wading through it seems so daunting.
I am still dealing. I apologize to myself and anyone who finds themselves in the way of this storm for the things I have done that have brought me to where I am now.
Where I am now is the other part. Sometimes I think of friends raising families and I am sad. They seem to have found something, part of the answer. I don't want the physical part of it, the family and ties. Still, I am envious of the calm contentment that I feel coming from them. I am envious that they know where their love is. Marriage does offer comfort in the form of security that you get from opening yourself to another who fills the spaces between you. Sometimes I feel like my space is still partially filled. Before I can allow another in to add themselves I have to make room for them. In order to make room I have to open it up. In order to open it up I have to be ready to face what comes out. Just opening the door feels too daunting right now. Doing this in time will make it easier, right?
The relief from her telling me that it was okay to take my time was like stepping out from a stuffy room to a cool breeze. Her honesty and candor about what she was feeling and what she knew she would want was refreshing. I have told myself that it is okay to believe her.
I came into this relationship with a lot of hope. It felt right and it was easy to be with her. I didn't feel the fear of being with another person. Controlling the pace of this thing has not been easy. My head wants to run, but my heart is not quite ready. I thought it was. I am struggling with the fear of the tidal waves that once broke through my walls and left me flailing. The water still fills my lungs. I suppose it's like facing an ocean after almost drowning. At some point you have to dive in and find you can swim again. I don't know how to know when that time is.
Maybe I just have to jump in.......just not yet. I'm not ready.
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