Monsters Inside Us

I find that there are still traces of my great depression of '10-'11 lingering around the periphery of my vision.  They dance around like the shadows at night in the room of a small child.  They are the monsters under my bed and most days go unnoticed.  But, like all memories, they are still in the corner of my mind. Though I have learned to step back and look at these things as objectively as possible, I just don't know how to step back enough so that the mind does not follow the body when the depression threatens to crawl out and drag me down again.

Is it possible to get past those days and nights when we were at our worst?

After talking to a friend about things that I had done, she made the comment that she was amazed at my stories.  She said I didn't seem like the guy who would lash out at people or walls or raise my voice to anyone.  At one point in my life I would have agreed with her and as I was trying to reassure her that it takes a lot to get me to that point where I can't control myself, I wasn't sure if I was reassuring her or me.
Those days and nights are still a blur for me and I still don't know who that was.  It was as if this other person had stepped into my skin and taken over.  He ruined relationships, screamed at people, ignored the people who cared and threw himself over the edge.  The fact that the things I was doing were not healthy did not seem to register.  That fact that he is me is still hard to accept.
I was doing things that were out of character for me.  I wouldn't stop.  I contemplated suicide.  I drank to escape.  I took pills to chase whatever it was I was drinking so I might escape even further.  I did not want to live because I didn't know who I was or what I was doing or why I was doing it.  Those things were threatening to devour me. Many of the thoughts are still there, but more as a reflection of the time than as a current state of mind.

Do we all have this monster inside of us?
I know that I have spent the majority of my life stuffing emotions and hiding my feelings and thoughts from the light.  I believe that my monster was the manifestation of all of these things come to life.  I believe that the shadows dancing at the corners of my vision are a reminder, a warning of what will come if I choose to avoid changing the things that need to be changed.
Perhaps we all have this unknown creature hiding somewhere in the depths of our psyches.  For the most part it stays that way, lurking about but not rearing its ugly head.  There are moments, however, where the little things we do that we don't talk about, the unspoken things, are too much to contain and it is like adding water to a full glass.  These are the moments when we are at our worst.  These are the times when we can only learn from our mistakes and hope the people around us can forgive. 


I meditate now before I go to bed.
We are all looking for answers and many people find these answers in religion and spirituality.  I am not a religious man.  The path that seems to make the most sense for me is one focused on spirituality and finding the answers in yourself.  For six or seven years now, the path of Buddhism has intrigued me.  Like an estranged father, it has stood back until I was able to look to it for guidance.  I would not call myself Buddhist, but reading and pondering and meditating on the concepts and ideas of Buddhism helps me.  I like how it places the burden of enlightenment on me and at the same time that this idea is freeing, it is that burden that I struggle with.  Knowing that I struggle and looking for answers instead of ignoring the problems is a step forward.
I have seen the monster that is inside me and he still whispers up from the darkness to remind me of where I have been and what will happen if I choose to go there again.  But we all must learn, somehow, and the steps we take afterwards are what really count.  I talk to people now.  I am actively trying to find my answers.  I am slowly (hopefully not too slowly) walking in a relationship that is actually healthy.  I am trying to live where I am instead of where I think I want to be.
One thing I have definitely learned is that the grass only seems greener on the other side.  Enjoying the grass on this side of the fence is one way for me to keep my monsters in check and under the bed where they belong.
Little steps for a long journey.