Relationships are an odd sort of dilemma in the realm of human interaction. We meet, we decide whether or not we like the other person and would we like to see them again. There is a lot of measuring and estimating and second guessing involved. There is also a lot of judgement, not only of the other person, but of ourselves. Do our ideals match theirs? Are we compatible? Do we like the same things? We spend time shaping parts of ourselves to appeal to them if we decide we like them. We get in and out and back in the dating scene as we search for someone who "gets" us. A few people are lucky enough to find someone on the first try. Most of us look for a long time, however, and it is such a crazy process filled with anxiety and promise, fear and joy.
A challenge I have always faced is stopping myself from attempting to foresee the future. If I am truly interested in a person, if we click and find that strange rhythm that carries two people into the "more than friends" zone, I have a tendency to critique her and me and find the things that we share and what we differ on. I then make little judgements about what will work and not work and whether or not we will last.
This is a terrible and ridiculous habit that is destructive and I am not entirely sure why I do it. Is it a defense mechanism? Am I setting up a bomb shelter before I even know that there will be a bomb?
It seems so.
When I was teaching, it was important to leave my baggage at the door so that I could focus on the students. Maybe that is a tactic that should be employed as we enter new relationships. Leave the stuff from past loves at the door, both the good and the bad.
I say "the good" because bringing the wonderful memories of a past flame into a new relationship places an invisible burden on the target of your affection. They don't even know it is there, yet they have to carry it around. It seems just as unfair as dumping the bad baggage into their arms as well. The way a person used to look at you, or the way they fit in your arms, or a kiss, or a smell. I think we take pieces from each person and create a perfect image of love for us, which does not make anything easier for us or for the people we are attempting to fit into this image. We subconsciously create our own Frankenstein of love that smashes any hope of really enjoying the person we are with. How can a person unknowingly meet the checklist of qualities that we are, and are not, looking for in a companion?
They can't. By setting this perfection in our mind we are being unfair to others and to ourselves.
I keep catching myself watching for traits in my newest relationship that I have to be wary of. It is a somewhat new thing, but I am scared of women now. I have a hard time letting go and enjoying the time with them. It's like having your best friend watch your house for the weekend while you are on vacation. You hand the keys to them, but have a hard time just letting them go because the thought of coming home to the remains of a party you didn't get to enjoy is too traumatic. But you have to let the keys go and you have to trust them. If you don't, any chance of relaxing and finding the joys of your trip are wasted.
Isn't that what a relationship is? A journey?
Going to Cozumel would lose some of it's flavor if you spent the whole time remembering how awful the flight to Mexico had been or how amazing the food in Italy was. Why not just enjoy the trip you are on? If you don't, it will suck. That much can almost be guaranteed.
I am currently boarding the plane for another trip of my own and I have all the butterflies of excitement as I step into the cabin. The one thing that is holding me up is my personal debate at bringing my carry-on luggage with me. Really, it would be best to throw it to the tarmac and find all the wonderful things my new destination has to offer. It is a struggle, but wouldn't it be for the best? Wouldn't we all benefit from leaving behind the weight we always bring on the plane with us? Hell knows we can always use the extra leg room.
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