In an attempt to beat my mind to the punch, I am going to try and lay out my process before it takes over. I hope that by seeing how my mind fosters anxiety and paranoia, I can stop it before it is too late and I am dragged down into the dark hole of my stupid depression.
Talking to a friend today, I learned that iPhones hold all messages from people unless you delete them. This ties in to my paranoia about my girlfriend and her iPhone and her ex boyfriends that she talks to and I begin to wonder about what she says to them.
I then begin to think about looking at her messages to find out.
After attempts to shove this ridiculous thought aside, it becomes apparent that paranoia has begun to creep in.
I then think about the last person I was with who had an iPhone and the messages she used to receive while we were together.
I then remind myself that my girlfriend is not like that, but the seed has been planted.
I try to avoid watching the budding of this new thought. That avoidance sparks the thought that I should not avoid these thoughts. I should look at them and recognize them and then let them go. So, I try that. It doesn't work as I think it should. This leads to the suffering often accompanying the resistance to 'how things are' when you want them to be a different way.
I then worry that I am just pushing it all down and am not growing at all. I think about all of the times that I shoved thoughts down when I should have dealt with them.
I am now thinking about my ex-wife.
I now have the paranoia/anxiety, negative memories of a past love, guilt for wanting to read my girlfriend's texts, worry that I am not getting better, and thoughts of my ex-wife piling in on top of me.
But it is not over.
I begin to think about my trust issues. Those issues are projected onto my current relationship. Thoughts of breaking up with my girlfriend loom because how can I date someone I can't trust. The trust issues are mine, however, not hers. She has done what she can to alleviate them.
Now, thoughts of defeat set in.
I have been doing so well for the past week. I have talked about things that have bothered me. I have meditated. I have read and sought enlightenment. Now it is falling back again. For every two steps forward, there is a step back. It is like slogging through mud that was drowning me and ever time I get my nose out to breathe, my head is pulled back in.
I feel buried and overwhelmed. I feel the constricting on my heart. My thoughts are racing. The bull is loose and I can't catch the reigns.
I get so tired and frustrated with myself and this only adds to it. I am not sure how to stop and it is so tiring sometimes. Part of me wants to just let go and just let my head go under. I get tired of swimming.
Part of my struggle, I believe, is that I want myself to be a certain way. I want to be better and to be strong. I want to be able to see these things and not have them bother me. I want, I want, I want. Perhaps it would be better if I just acknowledged that this stuff bothers me and see it as part of who I am now. I get tired because I am fighting like a lightweight against a heavyweight. I am trying to be a boxer when I have never been in a fight. Maybe the Tai Chi method would be better. Flow with the fight. Use the other person's momentum as defense.
In other words, don't try to hold off the avalanche with my bare hands. I can see it coming. I can often see the tree that I can climb to safety and watch the mud and dirt and rocks crash down around me while not being crushed beneath them.
But how do I get up in the tree instead of just looking at it?
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