Still Not Right

It's here again.
So, I am here again.
The deep pain that lives in my heart.
I like to blame its awakening on the loss of love.
I don't know that the loss of another is the reason.  I think that it is me.  I have a hole and I need others to fill it. I surround myself with people.  Lots of people.  But the hole is never full.  It is hard to fill the sieve with sand. 
Sand is everything that is outside of me.

I opened my heart to another.  Unconditionally.  I bared myself and thought I was ready for whatever happened.  I believed that she loved me as I loved her.  But she didn't. She doesn't.  The hard fact is, opening your heart does not mean that the other will return that favor.  Not that it should.  No one owes anyone anything.  No one deserves anything. 

Maybe I don't want her.  Maybe I just want anything.
One thing I do know is that I don't want to feel this way anymore.
But me feeling this way is not her fault, though I wish it were. I am so angry at her for lying to me.  I feel used and I have no patience for being used.  I was already in a manipulative relationship.  I don't want to be in another. 

She told me that she wanted to try again after weeks of me wanting to hear those exact words.  But she
didn't.  She admitted it to me.  She just didn't want to lose me in her life.  The question is, why would I want to be with someone that would do that?  How could someone do that? 

How do I let go of the little things?
I struggle to go out for breakfast without thinking about her.  I struggle when I hear about Star Trek.  I struggle even watching porn.  I miss her so much.  I want to call her every day.  I want to see her.  I want to hold her. 
I want her to love me.

Or maybe I want her to love me like I love her.  She can't do that.  It's not her.  She has walls up that are nearly unbreakable. 
Or maybe she doesn't.
Maybe she just doesn't feel.

I miss her fingers on my neck when I drive. I miss cooking with her.  I miss watching movies.  I miss talking.  I miss how little she is.  I miss her.  So much.

I'm tired. 

I think about killing myself again.  I haven't been here for a while. I think about a gun.  I think about jumping.  It's dark and horrible.  I don't think I would ever do it.  But this voice in my head won't stop.  I'm just not right.  I'm not right.

But it's not real.  The moments of clarity tell me it's not. 

But missing her is.
My love is.
This overemotional, desperate, self-destructive bullshit is not. 

I just miss her so much.