It is a struggle to maintain this new state of mind. It seems that building the habit of living in the world and not in my head is not as easy as keeping it up for two weeks (which I hear is the amount of time a person needs to make something a habit). I slip and I fall and I don't always catch myself soon enough. The reminder to knock it off is often too subtle when the fog begins rolling in.
It is a strange thing, catching yourself mid fall, realizing that you have lost touch with what you have been struggling to find. I caught myself last week in the middle of a work out. I was struggling more than usual and began to give up, to let the devil on my left shoulder talk me down. I began to curse myself and to get angry; this, I believe, is the start of a vicious cycle of defeat. The realization of what I was doing was like a shot to the head and I looked back over the day and found that I had begun to climb back into the closet of my mind where I used to live in the dark to dream of things instead of living them. The return had been taking place over a couple of days. But, I caught it. For this I am happy and proud.
I sat down and paused the workout for a minute while I got my head out of my ass. After the rest, I still struggled, but it was more physical and less mental. It was good.
Now I struggle with finding the source of my loosening grip on my new mind. I know, however, that I need to continue to move forward, though. Finding the balance between progress and recognizing where I lost my grip is important. So, I read. I read the Big Happy Buddha blog and read the Dalai Lama's words and continue to find strength in those things. Thankfully, the weather has been warm.
The sunshine always helps.
I have also discovered some of the lectures of Joseph Campbell to watch. He introduced me to the idea of the Left Hand Path, or the path that leads away from the "normal" way of living. I have begun to wonder if I struggle because I lean toward that way of living. It is hard to stray from what everyone else is doing and I don't know that I am some kind of rebel or anything, but I know that I do things differently from those I have grown up with, from my family. In doing things in my way, I don't end up on the same time line as the people around me. I think this leads to a feeling of not quite fitting in. It's not a bad thing, as long as I can accept that.
I am not Christian. I don't watch sports. I don't have kids. I am not married. I tend to be liberal minded. These are some of the things that separate me from my long time friends. But even as I make this list, I realize that I am separating myself from those around me. By saying I walk a different path is saying that I am different from other people.
I am different.
But I am forgetting all of the similarities and those are what bring people together.
I am enjoying this ride towards wherever it is I am heading. I enjoy it when I see the mistakes I make and I can find a way to change. It is always interesting seeing what I am doing, almost from the outside. I hope I am doing it right and that this weird sort of clarity will continue to open up in front of me.
Maybe I just need to write more. I always seem to learn something.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Acting After Thinking
Today I caught myself in the middle of considering falling into a bad habit - doing something that I know makes me angry.
For a long time I listened to Pandora radio. It is a great site for anyone who likes music. However, there are message boards for commenting on the bands you love, and don't love. I would go to the board for Tool and argue with people about their opinions on their music. In the end, I had to stop because fighting the web trolls had ruined the site for me. I had allowed it to make something great into something that caused me some stress. I know it sounds silly, and it is, but it is the fact that I found myself logging on today to see what was on the message board. I knew full well that I might end up angry and frustrated, but I did it anyway.
I have done this a lot in my life, I think, doing things that I knew would cause me distress just to do them. I would sabotage my own peace.
How often do we do this?
Why do we do it?
I think it became habit for me. At some point, the negativity was the norm and I didn't even recognize what I was doing. When I opened my eyes, I was amazed at how often I did it. With today as an example, I still do. I am happy that I have become conscious of it, but I find that knowing that I do it has brought some struggle as well.
For a while I would try and read Her blog. I don't really know why I did it, though I had enough excuses for anyone who would ask. The honest answer is that it was a taste of the drug. It was a momentary high that usually led to an immediate crash. I knew that I if I read it, I would end up upset. I did it anyway. Then I recognized that I was doing it and why I was doing it. I stopped lying to myself about it and admitted to my therapist my reasons. I found that admitting it to myself and to someone else helped. I can't remember the last time I read that blog.
Looking back at other things I have done, I can't help but see a pattern of self destructive behavior for a large portion of my life. I think it was a cycle. I would feel crappy about myself because I had done something stupid, so I needed the rush of doing something else which would lead to more self defacing and on and on. I became addicted to the cycle.
I heard a comedian make a joke that there is no such thing as addiction. He said that there are chemical and physical addictions to drugs and the like, but you can get treatment to get past that. Without the physical need, addiction is a choice. He has a point, if delivered in a somewhat unsavory manner. I have been addicted to feeling badly. But that addiction was a choice. I made the choice to do what I did and until I recognized what I was doing, it was not going to stop.
It is very likely that this had a large part in my divorce.
It also took that event and the storm of events that followed to make me see it. Now that I know I do it I can stop myself, but there is always this silent longing to act first and think later about the consequences. I struggle with that, but I can't help but to believe that that momentary pining is so much better than the maelstrom that could follow if I gave in.
Being mindful of my actions is what I am working on. The things we do affects us as well as others, so if we do something stupid, we will suffer the consequences too. Acting after thinking. I believe it is important.
For a long time I listened to Pandora radio. It is a great site for anyone who likes music. However, there are message boards for commenting on the bands you love, and don't love. I would go to the board for Tool and argue with people about their opinions on their music. In the end, I had to stop because fighting the web trolls had ruined the site for me. I had allowed it to make something great into something that caused me some stress. I know it sounds silly, and it is, but it is the fact that I found myself logging on today to see what was on the message board. I knew full well that I might end up angry and frustrated, but I did it anyway.
I have done this a lot in my life, I think, doing things that I knew would cause me distress just to do them. I would sabotage my own peace.
How often do we do this?
Why do we do it?
I think it became habit for me. At some point, the negativity was the norm and I didn't even recognize what I was doing. When I opened my eyes, I was amazed at how often I did it. With today as an example, I still do. I am happy that I have become conscious of it, but I find that knowing that I do it has brought some struggle as well.
For a while I would try and read Her blog. I don't really know why I did it, though I had enough excuses for anyone who would ask. The honest answer is that it was a taste of the drug. It was a momentary high that usually led to an immediate crash. I knew that I if I read it, I would end up upset. I did it anyway. Then I recognized that I was doing it and why I was doing it. I stopped lying to myself about it and admitted to my therapist my reasons. I found that admitting it to myself and to someone else helped. I can't remember the last time I read that blog.
Looking back at other things I have done, I can't help but see a pattern of self destructive behavior for a large portion of my life. I think it was a cycle. I would feel crappy about myself because I had done something stupid, so I needed the rush of doing something else which would lead to more self defacing and on and on. I became addicted to the cycle.
I heard a comedian make a joke that there is no such thing as addiction. He said that there are chemical and physical addictions to drugs and the like, but you can get treatment to get past that. Without the physical need, addiction is a choice. He has a point, if delivered in a somewhat unsavory manner. I have been addicted to feeling badly. But that addiction was a choice. I made the choice to do what I did and until I recognized what I was doing, it was not going to stop.
It is very likely that this had a large part in my divorce.
It also took that event and the storm of events that followed to make me see it. Now that I know I do it I can stop myself, but there is always this silent longing to act first and think later about the consequences. I struggle with that, but I can't help but to believe that that momentary pining is so much better than the maelstrom that could follow if I gave in.
Being mindful of my actions is what I am working on. The things we do affects us as well as others, so if we do something stupid, we will suffer the consequences too. Acting after thinking. I believe it is important.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Struggling With Compassion
I am struggling with compassion this morning and it is really bugging me.
I am attending a rally to support the family of one of the kids killed at a school shooting and to prevent a hate group's protests from reaching that family. I want to hate this group. I want to judge them. I want to pull a gun on them. I want to bomb their church with all of them in it. But I know that this is the opposite of what I should do, and what I will do. I just don't understand the hate and ignorance.
The group touts themselves as Christian, yet they do not show the basic tenets of Christianity. I think a great deal of my struggle comes from not understanding these people and their motivations. How can one live with so much hate and anger that the only way to feel better is to take it out on the grieving? Then the rational mind speaks up and says, "what if these people aren't even religious? What if they are just using it as a scapegoat for their prejudice and bigotry? What if they are using it for attention?" Then I just get sad.
I believe religion can be a beautiful thing that brings people together to worship and live lives full of the positive beliefs that most dogmas contain, at their most basic anyway. I am sad that people use it to justify their prejudice and hate. I wonder if most of the members of this "church" aren't just good people who were lost and needed someone to show them a way to live. That someone just happened to be a person overflowing with those things that bring us to our darker selves. So what do I do? What can I do?
I have moments of self-righteousness. I have found solace and some peace in the words of the Dalai Lama and the Buddha. For me those things work and I believe that the messages of compassion, selflessness, love, mindfulness, tolerance, etc. are the truth. When I feel that strongly about something, I have a hard time believing that it is not right.....
And that is my answer.
When I believe something very strongly, I have a hard time believing it is not right. I am not the only person that feels this way. It would be my guess that some of the people that tout messages of hate and intolerance believe that they are right. Their method of getting that message across is different from mine, but is essentially the same thing. Those people, like all living things, only want to be happy. The path they have chosen is the path they believe to be the correct one. The path I have chosen is the one I believe is right. When it comes down to it, we are the same.
I have a hard time, however, believing that they are happy. Living with such ugly emotions makes it very hard to be truly at peace. Like the Dalai Lama XIV said, "“I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. I’m not talking about the short-term gratification of pleasures like sex, drugs or gambling (though I’m not knocking them), but something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.” Those moments that we do something for someone else with nothing more than compassion to motivate us are the times we feel really good. I use "we", though I only know how it feels for me. I believe that I am not the only one.
The more strongly I begin to feel that compassion and love are the correct path (both of which are basic guidelines in the major religions) the more I struggle with the world and with groups like this one. It is confusing and frustrating. But, it is in these challenging moments that we can learn and strengthen our own compassion. Perhaps that is their purpose.
I have a feeling that I will struggle with this for quite some time, especially if these people show up tomorrow. If I can learn anything about myself, at least that will be positive. One thing I can say about this group is that they have been successful at bringing people together against their protests. They are inadvertently teaching compassion.
I am attending a rally to support the family of one of the kids killed at a school shooting and to prevent a hate group's protests from reaching that family. I want to hate this group. I want to judge them. I want to pull a gun on them. I want to bomb their church with all of them in it. But I know that this is the opposite of what I should do, and what I will do. I just don't understand the hate and ignorance.
The group touts themselves as Christian, yet they do not show the basic tenets of Christianity. I think a great deal of my struggle comes from not understanding these people and their motivations. How can one live with so much hate and anger that the only way to feel better is to take it out on the grieving? Then the rational mind speaks up and says, "what if these people aren't even religious? What if they are just using it as a scapegoat for their prejudice and bigotry? What if they are using it for attention?" Then I just get sad.
I believe religion can be a beautiful thing that brings people together to worship and live lives full of the positive beliefs that most dogmas contain, at their most basic anyway. I am sad that people use it to justify their prejudice and hate. I wonder if most of the members of this "church" aren't just good people who were lost and needed someone to show them a way to live. That someone just happened to be a person overflowing with those things that bring us to our darker selves. So what do I do? What can I do?
I have moments of self-righteousness. I have found solace and some peace in the words of the Dalai Lama and the Buddha. For me those things work and I believe that the messages of compassion, selflessness, love, mindfulness, tolerance, etc. are the truth. When I feel that strongly about something, I have a hard time believing that it is not right.....
And that is my answer.
When I believe something very strongly, I have a hard time believing it is not right. I am not the only person that feels this way. It would be my guess that some of the people that tout messages of hate and intolerance believe that they are right. Their method of getting that message across is different from mine, but is essentially the same thing. Those people, like all living things, only want to be happy. The path they have chosen is the path they believe to be the correct one. The path I have chosen is the one I believe is right. When it comes down to it, we are the same.
I have a hard time, however, believing that they are happy. Living with such ugly emotions makes it very hard to be truly at peace. Like the Dalai Lama XIV said, "“I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. I’m not talking about the short-term gratification of pleasures like sex, drugs or gambling (though I’m not knocking them), but something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.” Those moments that we do something for someone else with nothing more than compassion to motivate us are the times we feel really good. I use "we", though I only know how it feels for me. I believe that I am not the only one.
The more strongly I begin to feel that compassion and love are the correct path (both of which are basic guidelines in the major religions) the more I struggle with the world and with groups like this one. It is confusing and frustrating. But, it is in these challenging moments that we can learn and strengthen our own compassion. Perhaps that is their purpose.
I have a feeling that I will struggle with this for quite some time, especially if these people show up tomorrow. If I can learn anything about myself, at least that will be positive. One thing I can say about this group is that they have been successful at bringing people together against their protests. They are inadvertently teaching compassion.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Shrugging Off Burdens
The realization that dawned upon me today is that I have found my happiness again. It has taken some time, but just like everyone told me it would, it got better. The lightness to my thoughts, the smile I sometimes find upon my face, the colors in the world again are all brilliant. It would be a lie to say that there aren't moments or flashes of the sadder spectrum of emotion. I don't think that the eradication of those is as simple as just hoping they go away. The work to move them out from center stage has been started, and though they sit on the wings, they no longer have a starring role.
It feels good.
It's funny the places we realize things, sometimes. It was while listening to Banana Pancakes and I remembered my ex-wife liked that song and she had her own version of the chorus. I smiled. My heart didn't fall into the pit that was so prevalent for far too long. My day is not ruined. The memory is a fond one. I guess that means I am moving on, finally.
It feels good.
I can't pretend that I wouldn't change the way things happened, but I have been brought to this place and I feel good. It is something I haven't felt in a very long while. Even before I was married. I look back from the edge of this green, flowered field spread out before me and I can see the desert I was wandering. I can see the footprints still dark in the dust that lead from where I was. I wonder if the journeys we take are our choice or if they are planned out for us, to show us something. Or do we truly make our own paths and face the riddles that life gives us the best we can, hopefully learning something? I don't know. I don't know that I even care all that much. There is little chance of that revelation occurring in my lifetime and there are so many other things to occupy my erratically dancing mind that dwelling on that mystery would do little save slowing me down.
I had a talk with my mom a few days ago and I said something that I have found myself saying quite often as of late.
Once you have had a moment, it is already gone.
There is no way to change the moments of the past and there is little we can do to predict the ones on the road ahead of us. Those in the past have made their mark and are as easy to hold on to as a pleasant breeze. Those in the future have yet to be made. The moments we have in our grasp, no matter how short they last, those are the ones that matter. I am doing my best to embrace my own tidbit of wisdom, if that is what it is. In doing this I feel like I have taken a load from my shoulders and set it down. I can see it sitting in the road behind me, too heavy to blow away which makes me wonder at the impact it must have had on my daily psyche.
I don't delude myself into believing that every moment that is coming will be full of sunshine. But when I look at those moments as chances to challenge myself and to grow, they don't seem so daunting. So, I let them go. I don't even know what they are yet. Why worry about them?
I am still a child. I still have a lot to learn and don't pretend that I know anything, not anymore. If anything that I have said here were to be proven untrue, I would rethink it and try again. The beauty of being a child is that the idea of things being permanent or absolute is not written in stone yet. I like being a child in this way.
It feels good.
It's funny the places we realize things, sometimes. It was while listening to Banana Pancakes and I remembered my ex-wife liked that song and she had her own version of the chorus. I smiled. My heart didn't fall into the pit that was so prevalent for far too long. My day is not ruined. The memory is a fond one. I guess that means I am moving on, finally.
It feels good.
I can't pretend that I wouldn't change the way things happened, but I have been brought to this place and I feel good. It is something I haven't felt in a very long while. Even before I was married. I look back from the edge of this green, flowered field spread out before me and I can see the desert I was wandering. I can see the footprints still dark in the dust that lead from where I was. I wonder if the journeys we take are our choice or if they are planned out for us, to show us something. Or do we truly make our own paths and face the riddles that life gives us the best we can, hopefully learning something? I don't know. I don't know that I even care all that much. There is little chance of that revelation occurring in my lifetime and there are so many other things to occupy my erratically dancing mind that dwelling on that mystery would do little save slowing me down.
I had a talk with my mom a few days ago and I said something that I have found myself saying quite often as of late.
Once you have had a moment, it is already gone.
There is no way to change the moments of the past and there is little we can do to predict the ones on the road ahead of us. Those in the past have made their mark and are as easy to hold on to as a pleasant breeze. Those in the future have yet to be made. The moments we have in our grasp, no matter how short they last, those are the ones that matter. I am doing my best to embrace my own tidbit of wisdom, if that is what it is. In doing this I feel like I have taken a load from my shoulders and set it down. I can see it sitting in the road behind me, too heavy to blow away which makes me wonder at the impact it must have had on my daily psyche.
I don't delude myself into believing that every moment that is coming will be full of sunshine. But when I look at those moments as chances to challenge myself and to grow, they don't seem so daunting. So, I let them go. I don't even know what they are yet. Why worry about them?
I am still a child. I still have a lot to learn and don't pretend that I know anything, not anymore. If anything that I have said here were to be proven untrue, I would rethink it and try again. The beauty of being a child is that the idea of things being permanent or absolute is not written in stone yet. I like being a child in this way.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Fearing Lisa Loeb
I met a woman last night who is interested in finding someone to collaborate with musically. She has experience as a musician and I am a little intimidated. She and I share some common ground with bands and musicians that we like, which is good. It means we may have somewhere to start. But I struggle with fear, as I often do, of rejection. In this case, it is not personal rejection that I am thinking of. I worry that I will not be able to meet her level of skill and the expectations that she might place on the experience. There is also an inkling of fear that this will be another moment in time where I will have tried to start something with music and it won't work out. I am placing expectations on the meeting, which is a self-defense mechanism I seem to have perfected. I am prepping for the worst so that when it happens, the impact will be lessened. I am making assumptions. I am basically falling back on old, bad habits that I have been fighting to get away from. Battles with fear and worry and placing expectations lead to a slippery slope into a scary and pointless abyss.
I also wonder if her cuteness is an issue (she has a Lisa Loeb kind of thing going on). Knowing me, it is. I have been doing well and I don't want to lose that. And there I go again being all scared of nothing.
I want to get around all of this.
I don't want my fears and worries to get in my way.
I don't want me to get in my way.
I love music. I have begun to really embrace it as on of the things in my life that I am truly passionate about. I think it may be the best relationship in my life. When I need it, it is there. When I want some time away, it leaves me alone but I know that it is not too far away. It never makes me feel guilty. It never beats me down or makes me feel like I am less than I am. It always has the right things to say to bring me up, to boost me up, to pick me up, to settle me down, to support me, to tell me I am being an idiot. It lets me pour out my heart and makes no judgements and I know that it will never tell anyone my secrets. It fits my moods. It brings me out of bad moods. It has never let me down. I have never let it down.....unless I don't try to make it now.
I am going to call this woman and I am going to play for her and with her, at least once.
I have butterflies. I have fear and I feel like such a pussy saying it and realizing that it is affecting me as much as it is. My love for music makes me extremely vulnerable to it. Anything that I have really loved has had this effect on me. Maybe that is why I am skittish in this case. Love has taken me to some very dark places in the past few years. I am a beaten dog warily approaching a new person. I have made the conscious decision to stay away from women for a while because I am that way.
I have a really hard time not letting my heart do the driving and if I find that I like this girl I will want to take it farther and that is when bad stuff happens (I realize how that sounds. Cynical much?). I know that I will have the challenge of just chilling the fuck out with her and keeping things at a superficial level. I will struggle with keeping myself from wondering if she is the woman of my dreams and just enjoying the music, at first.
I have been doing well at keeping myself in the moment, enjoying the things that are happening while they are happening and staying mindful. This could be a challenge for me to maintain that. Not only is it an opportunity to play with someone, but to practice happiness. Yes I am afraid of a number of things, but life can be short and I have to do this.
I am talking myself into it.
I am living a sheltered kind of life right now, which is not bad unless it becomes a method for coping with life. Maybe getting out and taking the risk will be good. Maybe it will be bad. I won't know until it happens.
I need to suck it up and just do it, see what happens and go from there. Opportunities worth something are scary, right?
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
Dalai Lama XIV
I also wonder if her cuteness is an issue (she has a Lisa Loeb kind of thing going on). Knowing me, it is. I have been doing well and I don't want to lose that. And there I go again being all scared of nothing.
I want to get around all of this.
I don't want my fears and worries to get in my way.
I don't want me to get in my way.
I love music. I have begun to really embrace it as on of the things in my life that I am truly passionate about. I think it may be the best relationship in my life. When I need it, it is there. When I want some time away, it leaves me alone but I know that it is not too far away. It never makes me feel guilty. It never beats me down or makes me feel like I am less than I am. It always has the right things to say to bring me up, to boost me up, to pick me up, to settle me down, to support me, to tell me I am being an idiot. It lets me pour out my heart and makes no judgements and I know that it will never tell anyone my secrets. It fits my moods. It brings me out of bad moods. It has never let me down. I have never let it down.....unless I don't try to make it now.
I am going to call this woman and I am going to play for her and with her, at least once.
I have butterflies. I have fear and I feel like such a pussy saying it and realizing that it is affecting me as much as it is. My love for music makes me extremely vulnerable to it. Anything that I have really loved has had this effect on me. Maybe that is why I am skittish in this case. Love has taken me to some very dark places in the past few years. I am a beaten dog warily approaching a new person. I have made the conscious decision to stay away from women for a while because I am that way.
I have a really hard time not letting my heart do the driving and if I find that I like this girl I will want to take it farther and that is when bad stuff happens (I realize how that sounds. Cynical much?). I know that I will have the challenge of just chilling the fuck out with her and keeping things at a superficial level. I will struggle with keeping myself from wondering if she is the woman of my dreams and just enjoying the music, at first.
I have been doing well at keeping myself in the moment, enjoying the things that are happening while they are happening and staying mindful. This could be a challenge for me to maintain that. Not only is it an opportunity to play with someone, but to practice happiness. Yes I am afraid of a number of things, but life can be short and I have to do this.
I am talking myself into it.
I am living a sheltered kind of life right now, which is not bad unless it becomes a method for coping with life. Maybe getting out and taking the risk will be good. Maybe it will be bad. I won't know until it happens.
I need to suck it up and just do it, see what happens and go from there. Opportunities worth something are scary, right?
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
Dalai Lama XIV
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Decades of Knowledge
I have come to the conclusion, which has probably been evident to everyone else, that I don't know shit. Every time that I think I have something nailed down, it springs back in my face and smacks a little bit of stupid out of me.
Once again, I will state that I don't know shit. That being said, I will continue on with a few tidbits that I believe to be true.
I had an interesting discussion with a good friend a few months back that I have been brewing in the back of my mind. We tossed around the theory that with each decade of life our view of what we know alters a bit, starting in the 20's.
I recall some of my time in my 20's and find it to be fairly evident that I knew everything there was to know; even more so than I did when I was a teenager. This time around, I had a college education to lean on when I would spout off my conclusions about people and life and the world. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I knew everything I needed to know and knew that I would learn all the rest as the next few years passed by. I am unsure (which is a statement that is becoming more prevalent) if believing I so omnipotent came from simply being young and full of piss and vinegar and drive and naivete or if I felt like I should know everything because all adults know everything. Right?
As a kid, all I knew was pretty basic stuff. But I knew that whatever I didn't know could be answered by a grown up. I remember asking my dad how far the eye could see. He had to know because he was an adult. I wonder if something in my subconscious grabbed on to this nugget and held it as a truth. As I got older and experienced things, my wisdom and ego began to grow with each discovery. The crazy thing is, each time I thought I knew something, something would come around and show me another side of things. I would hastily erase the mental blackboard and change what I knew to this new thing. And this was a constant; absolutes. What I learned was the truth of it. It was all so black and white.
Writing that down reminds of a text conversation a few nights back with a friend, Red, who is in her early 20's. She has discovered that not everything is absolute. Her texts that followed were flavored with the fear, I think, that comes with this discovery. She is the type of person who likes to be right and who is able to move forward all the time because her course of action is "right". I wish I could have lived, and even could live now, in that way. I wish my mind worked like that. But it doesn't. I believe, now, that nothing is but what it is.
That makes no sense, except in my head. I think I will be able to clear it up as I go on.
To get back to absolutes, nothing is. It is a scary thing to learn. What you thought was right and good is not always as right and good as you thought it was. I was raised on the ten commandments and the word of the bible. When I had my breakup with Christianity, I had my first taste of living in the gray. Red had this same discovery. It takes years for it to work its way through the dogma that has been built up for most of your life and during that time you learn more and more of what you don't know. Then you hit your 30's.
In my discussion with my good friend, we came up with the hypothesis that the 30's is that time when you figure out that you don't know shit. This is not an absolute; there are probably people who are well into the 30 somethings and still know everything (or at least believe they do). I don't. This past couple of years has shown me that. I know more now than I did before. Tomorrow, I will know more still, but I won't know everything. I won't be even close. One thing I have learned is that I can answer the basic questions a child might have. If I had a son, he would think I knew it all just as I thought my dad did. I think about what my father might have been thinking when I asked him that question. He didn't know how far the eye can see, not really. He was probably as lost and ignorant about life as I am now.
I have been struggling with the idea that my parents have never had all the answers, that no one's parents have ever had all the answers. As a kid, grown ups knew about life and everything in it. As a grown up I can see that we are all lost and wandering around with only the compass of our experience to guide us. I might be able to spout off some factoids now and again, which my mother has always been good at, but when it comes to life, I don't know shit.
My friend is in his 40's. He said that he believes that when you hit that benchmark you begin to see that you might know more than you thought you did. What you have gained that separates your new found "know-it-all" with what you thought you knew 20 years ago is humility. You know what you know, and it is a lot, but you know that you still have so much to learn and the answers that you do have are "your" answers. They might not be the answers for everyone else. I think this is called wisdom.
One thing I have learned is that no one knows everything. No one has all of the answers. This may be the only absolute that I will hold on to. I wonder what my 50's and 60's will hold.
Once again, I will state that I don't know shit. That being said, I will continue on with a few tidbits that I believe to be true.
I had an interesting discussion with a good friend a few months back that I have been brewing in the back of my mind. We tossed around the theory that with each decade of life our view of what we know alters a bit, starting in the 20's.
I recall some of my time in my 20's and find it to be fairly evident that I knew everything there was to know; even more so than I did when I was a teenager. This time around, I had a college education to lean on when I would spout off my conclusions about people and life and the world. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I knew everything I needed to know and knew that I would learn all the rest as the next few years passed by. I am unsure (which is a statement that is becoming more prevalent) if believing I so omnipotent came from simply being young and full of piss and vinegar and drive and naivete or if I felt like I should know everything because all adults know everything. Right?
As a kid, all I knew was pretty basic stuff. But I knew that whatever I didn't know could be answered by a grown up. I remember asking my dad how far the eye could see. He had to know because he was an adult. I wonder if something in my subconscious grabbed on to this nugget and held it as a truth. As I got older and experienced things, my wisdom and ego began to grow with each discovery. The crazy thing is, each time I thought I knew something, something would come around and show me another side of things. I would hastily erase the mental blackboard and change what I knew to this new thing. And this was a constant; absolutes. What I learned was the truth of it. It was all so black and white.
Writing that down reminds of a text conversation a few nights back with a friend, Red, who is in her early 20's. She has discovered that not everything is absolute. Her texts that followed were flavored with the fear, I think, that comes with this discovery. She is the type of person who likes to be right and who is able to move forward all the time because her course of action is "right". I wish I could have lived, and even could live now, in that way. I wish my mind worked like that. But it doesn't. I believe, now, that nothing is but what it is.
That makes no sense, except in my head. I think I will be able to clear it up as I go on.
To get back to absolutes, nothing is. It is a scary thing to learn. What you thought was right and good is not always as right and good as you thought it was. I was raised on the ten commandments and the word of the bible. When I had my breakup with Christianity, I had my first taste of living in the gray. Red had this same discovery. It takes years for it to work its way through the dogma that has been built up for most of your life and during that time you learn more and more of what you don't know. Then you hit your 30's.
In my discussion with my good friend, we came up with the hypothesis that the 30's is that time when you figure out that you don't know shit. This is not an absolute; there are probably people who are well into the 30 somethings and still know everything (or at least believe they do). I don't. This past couple of years has shown me that. I know more now than I did before. Tomorrow, I will know more still, but I won't know everything. I won't be even close. One thing I have learned is that I can answer the basic questions a child might have. If I had a son, he would think I knew it all just as I thought my dad did. I think about what my father might have been thinking when I asked him that question. He didn't know how far the eye can see, not really. He was probably as lost and ignorant about life as I am now.
I have been struggling with the idea that my parents have never had all the answers, that no one's parents have ever had all the answers. As a kid, grown ups knew about life and everything in it. As a grown up I can see that we are all lost and wandering around with only the compass of our experience to guide us. I might be able to spout off some factoids now and again, which my mother has always been good at, but when it comes to life, I don't know shit.
My friend is in his 40's. He said that he believes that when you hit that benchmark you begin to see that you might know more than you thought you did. What you have gained that separates your new found "know-it-all" with what you thought you knew 20 years ago is humility. You know what you know, and it is a lot, but you know that you still have so much to learn and the answers that you do have are "your" answers. They might not be the answers for everyone else. I think this is called wisdom.
One thing I have learned is that no one knows everything. No one has all of the answers. This may be the only absolute that I will hold on to. I wonder what my 50's and 60's will hold.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Man, Seeking Validation
I am an introvert.
My tendency to think before I speak, my need for "alone time", my lack of need to talk about everything all point in that direction. I find this interesting because a great deal of what I do I do for the approval of other people. I am trying to change and to do things for me without needing to seek out the nodding smile of acknowledgement from someone else.
Yesterday, I helped some girl whose car had broken down and she needed gas and directions. I haven't told anyone and even in writing this I feel like I am betraying my newly found need to avoid validation for my actions. After she drove off, my mind began it's perusal of why I did what I did and why I wasn't going to tell anyone.
Now I am curious about a couple of things.
One: why the need for acceptance?
Two: why the need to steer away from it?
I hate to admit this, because it feels cliche and boring, but I think a lot of it has to do with my father leaving and a lack of male acceptance as I was growing up. The people I seek approval from are varied, but the approval that means the most is that of men. I remember sitting with Red (that is the last woman I was dating) and her family at a dinner and listening to her dad tell stories and chatting with him. I felt drawn to seek his approval. The approval of a woman's father is important to all men, I think, but I wasn't so much concerned with his approval of me in terms of being with her. When he said he liked a Brett Dennen song that I am a huge fan of, I was elated. It is kind of ridiculous.
When she and I ended the relationship, at least in its status at the time, I was crushed by the loss of her but also by the thought that I had disappointed her dad. I also seem to feel particularly ashamed when I know that my step father might not agree with something that I do. I tend to hide the full effect of knowing he is pleased when I show him something on guitar and he is impressed, but it is there. When my own father tells me he is proud of me, it rings loudly.
The lack of a father's presence has had a pronounced effect on me and my psyche. I wonder if it has led me to seek out the approval of men by doing things that guys find impressive. I wonder if I really do seek out validation from father figures in particular. At the same time that I can see that I do have a need for that approval, I know that only women are able to affect me on a deeply emotional level. Maybe this comes from being raised largely by my mother. Then again, that can be drawn back to my father leaving and me not having any major male role models.
There is nothing abnormal, I believe, with seeking the acceptance from the "father figure(s)". My guess would be that all boys do it as they grow and all men still do it even as their sons are seeking their own "good job". It is a dynamic of being male. It is a dynamic that I seek.
But I don't only try to impress that one group of people. I am not that selective.
Like I said, women are able to affect me in very powerful ways. I think, however, that while I try and gain the approval of males, I try to get validation from females. I want to feel like the things I do are impressive to women so that I can feel like they are worthwhile. The odd thing is, when I date a woman I am hoping that by being with that woman I am impressing other women. Maybe it isn't all that odd. I am showcasing my virility and ability to be what women want by being wanted by lots of women. That in turn validates what I am doing making me want to do it more. That validation has become a drug. It has gotten to the point that I am grasping for as much as I can get from as many women as I can get it from. It's like I am still a primate trying to win mating rights with the most females. I think this is why I have spent a bit of time dating one girl and then the next over the past year. I have been trying to validate some of my choices as well as show that I am still attractive despite them.
Doing so has been a double-edged sword. I end up hurting people and coming off as a bit of an ass in the end which is less attractive, I think. My need for the rush of feminine attention has driven me to do a lot of the stupid things I have done. I am unbalanced when I want it and only fulfilled in the short term when I get it. The most frustrating thing (for me and for any woman I have been with) is that I am seldom satisfied with receiving from only one woman. I don't know why.
One guess is that I am lacking in self confidence to the point that I have learned to get it from a wink and a touch from a pretty girl. If a pretty girl thinks I am worth something, then I feel like I am worth something. It would then make sense that if a lot of pretty girls thought I was attractive then I would be worth so much more. But self esteem has to be deeper than that, I think, to actually have any value. I think this because I look at where I am now. I am not as happy as I could be. I have given so much power over to the opposite sex that I haven't kept any for myself. I have gotten so high on estrogen acceptance that I don't know how to be confident without it.
That is why I haven't told anyone about helping that person. I don't want to do things for the approval of someone else. I want to do things because I like them and I approve of them. I don't want to impress a woman to feel good about myself. I don't want to seek out the approval of men to believe that I am doing well. I want to impress myself and have confidence in that. This is my struggle.
I suppose a good stepping stone is that I have made friends with some very solid people. These are people that I strive to be like and that I believe everyone should try to emulate. Maybe I am not all that bad. I struggle with this idea, too. I am working on forgiving myself for things I have done. I am also working on getting past the worthlessness that was impressed upon me. Getting past the effect of the outside world is the way to finding a sense of value in myself. Maybe by doing things and not seeking praise or attention for them is the way to do this.
We are already perfect, we just can't see it. It's like a cloudy sky. The sky has not changed color or beauty, we just can't see it for all of the clouds.
- Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (more or less, this is far from a direct quote)
My tendency to think before I speak, my need for "alone time", my lack of need to talk about everything all point in that direction. I find this interesting because a great deal of what I do I do for the approval of other people. I am trying to change and to do things for me without needing to seek out the nodding smile of acknowledgement from someone else.
Yesterday, I helped some girl whose car had broken down and she needed gas and directions. I haven't told anyone and even in writing this I feel like I am betraying my newly found need to avoid validation for my actions. After she drove off, my mind began it's perusal of why I did what I did and why I wasn't going to tell anyone.
Now I am curious about a couple of things.
One: why the need for acceptance?
Two: why the need to steer away from it?
I hate to admit this, because it feels cliche and boring, but I think a lot of it has to do with my father leaving and a lack of male acceptance as I was growing up. The people I seek approval from are varied, but the approval that means the most is that of men. I remember sitting with Red (that is the last woman I was dating) and her family at a dinner and listening to her dad tell stories and chatting with him. I felt drawn to seek his approval. The approval of a woman's father is important to all men, I think, but I wasn't so much concerned with his approval of me in terms of being with her. When he said he liked a Brett Dennen song that I am a huge fan of, I was elated. It is kind of ridiculous.
When she and I ended the relationship, at least in its status at the time, I was crushed by the loss of her but also by the thought that I had disappointed her dad. I also seem to feel particularly ashamed when I know that my step father might not agree with something that I do. I tend to hide the full effect of knowing he is pleased when I show him something on guitar and he is impressed, but it is there. When my own father tells me he is proud of me, it rings loudly.
The lack of a father's presence has had a pronounced effect on me and my psyche. I wonder if it has led me to seek out the approval of men by doing things that guys find impressive. I wonder if I really do seek out validation from father figures in particular. At the same time that I can see that I do have a need for that approval, I know that only women are able to affect me on a deeply emotional level. Maybe this comes from being raised largely by my mother. Then again, that can be drawn back to my father leaving and me not having any major male role models.
There is nothing abnormal, I believe, with seeking the acceptance from the "father figure(s)". My guess would be that all boys do it as they grow and all men still do it even as their sons are seeking their own "good job". It is a dynamic of being male. It is a dynamic that I seek.
But I don't only try to impress that one group of people. I am not that selective.
Like I said, women are able to affect me in very powerful ways. I think, however, that while I try and gain the approval of males, I try to get validation from females. I want to feel like the things I do are impressive to women so that I can feel like they are worthwhile. The odd thing is, when I date a woman I am hoping that by being with that woman I am impressing other women. Maybe it isn't all that odd. I am showcasing my virility and ability to be what women want by being wanted by lots of women. That in turn validates what I am doing making me want to do it more. That validation has become a drug. It has gotten to the point that I am grasping for as much as I can get from as many women as I can get it from. It's like I am still a primate trying to win mating rights with the most females. I think this is why I have spent a bit of time dating one girl and then the next over the past year. I have been trying to validate some of my choices as well as show that I am still attractive despite them.
Doing so has been a double-edged sword. I end up hurting people and coming off as a bit of an ass in the end which is less attractive, I think. My need for the rush of feminine attention has driven me to do a lot of the stupid things I have done. I am unbalanced when I want it and only fulfilled in the short term when I get it. The most frustrating thing (for me and for any woman I have been with) is that I am seldom satisfied with receiving from only one woman. I don't know why.
One guess is that I am lacking in self confidence to the point that I have learned to get it from a wink and a touch from a pretty girl. If a pretty girl thinks I am worth something, then I feel like I am worth something. It would then make sense that if a lot of pretty girls thought I was attractive then I would be worth so much more. But self esteem has to be deeper than that, I think, to actually have any value. I think this because I look at where I am now. I am not as happy as I could be. I have given so much power over to the opposite sex that I haven't kept any for myself. I have gotten so high on estrogen acceptance that I don't know how to be confident without it.
That is why I haven't told anyone about helping that person. I don't want to do things for the approval of someone else. I want to do things because I like them and I approve of them. I don't want to impress a woman to feel good about myself. I don't want to seek out the approval of men to believe that I am doing well. I want to impress myself and have confidence in that. This is my struggle.
I suppose a good stepping stone is that I have made friends with some very solid people. These are people that I strive to be like and that I believe everyone should try to emulate. Maybe I am not all that bad. I struggle with this idea, too. I am working on forgiving myself for things I have done. I am also working on getting past the worthlessness that was impressed upon me. Getting past the effect of the outside world is the way to finding a sense of value in myself. Maybe by doing things and not seeking praise or attention for them is the way to do this.
We are already perfect, we just can't see it. It's like a cloudy sky. The sky has not changed color or beauty, we just can't see it for all of the clouds.
- Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (more or less, this is far from a direct quote)
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