Moods Made Simple...ish

My moods seem to be like passing weather.  They are changing and sometimes unstable, can be destructive or can promote happiness and growth. They are also often dependent on how the world outside me is shifting.  My environment moves and my mood can change with it.  People in my life can adjust my happiness like a switch, though they may not know it.  I don't like being this way.
I have come to believe that this kind of mentality is far to unstable to allow me to maintain a sense of myself, a sense of happiness.  If true happiness is really rooted inside ourselves, then I have a lot of work to do. 

I have struggled for a long time with being happy, though it is not too far of a stretch to say that I am happier now than I have been in a long time.  Looking at the events from the past few years, one might wonder if it is because of the things that I have changed around me.  Was it leaving my marriage?  Was it the storm that I survived?  No.....and yes. 
My relationships were not the problem, though coming out of them and living to see the end of the tunnel I was in has shown me a few things.  My wife did not make me unhappy.  I was already unhappy.  The woman who rode through hell with me did not take me there, I allowed myself to go there.  My family issues and deeply seeded paternal problems are not really the cause of depression or sadness.  It is the reaction to those things that brings me down.  I know that I have written about this before, but I keep seeing it.  An event is just an event.  It is neither happy nor sad.  It is simply what it is.  Our clouded and complex minds make it into a clouded and complex thing. 
I wonder how simple things would be if we let them be only what they are. 

But how does that apply to emotions?  In theory, emotions are not "real" in the sense that they are not tactile and they are interpreted differently and felt at different times for everyone.  We can't pin down "happy" and say that it feels like this and happens at these times and it is this way all the time for everyone.  They are not that black and white. 
So, what are they?  What are our moods? 
I don't have an answer.  My thought is that they are reactions based on reactions based on reactions and on and on.  The smell of baking bread makes me smile.  The scent is pleasant.  The warmth from the oven feels good.  I get excited at thought of eating it.  I think about my mom baking bread and it is comforting.  I think about my Grandmother's house.  For me, it is very positive.  But what if I were to bake bread and the oven caused a fire and my house burnt down?  Would my happiness be as true the next time I smelled baking bread, or would it now be tainted?  My reaction would change and would become complex. My new reaction would be negative and the smell of bread could cause anxiety.
I have to believe that if our moods and emotions are reactions, then we can change them.  I can choose to slow down and look at what I am feeling and why I am feeling it.  In doing that, could I then become stronger within myself and able to have a modicum of control over the direction my mood swings? 
I believe yes. 
I believe it is not easy, but that it is that simple. 

My experience over the past year, as I have talked and reflected on myself, has lead me to a place where I can catch myself reacting to situations or acting in a certain way.  I don't always, but when I do I can ask myself why.  It is powerful, I believe.  When I feel depression coming on, I look at it.  I analyze it.  I break it down.  Sometimes it works, sometimes the mood is too strong of too confusing or too complex.  When it does work, the clouds break.  When it doesn't, I know I have a lot of work to do, still, but I learn something every time. 
We live in a fast paced world where we are forced to react quickly.  It is hard to stop and look at the trees in the forest, but I think it is important.  I know that if I lose sight of the trees for too long I get lost.  I think I will slow down more often.  I believe that doing so is part of my answer.

Seeing Life Lines

I wrote a deleted a post last week.  It was full of melancholic, emo shit more fitting of a teenager wearing eye liner than an 35 year old man, hence the deletion. 
On the other hand, it was typical of the emotional rainbow on which I ride.  Maybe it was just a week of some sort of male version of PMS.  I was moody and depressed and over thinking and second guessing and all sorts of very tiring and boring activities that lead nowhere.  I had a night out and a handful of drinks and I was okay again.  I also let it be known that I felt like it was that time of the month minus the bleeding.  A buddy laughed and then said that he too has had that.  Other people feel the same stuff I do?  The shit you can learn when you talk to people.
Each time I step into these little potholes, I learn something new. 

I learn that the light is always there,even when I can't see it. 
When depression sinks in, it seems limitless.  A black hole where all happiness is sucked in with no escape.  No one really loves you.  You will never laugh again.  You are pretty much shit.  Or so the little fucker would have you believe.
Depression is someone behind you all the time, covering your eyes and whispering in your ear.  Depression is an ass hole.  In truth, there is happiness and confidence and laughter all the time.  At that moment, though, you can't see it.  You see in negatives.  You have to find your outlet and let it out.  Depression doesn't really like being the topic of conversation for too long.  Eventually, he leaves.

I learn that it is all inside me.
All of the negative and self-defecation is me.  It's all in my head and is being magnified by whatever chemicals or thoughts or whatever it is that brings this on.  People out in the real world still care for you and love you.  I tend to mistake whatever look they have as negative towards me.  In actuality, they are just concerned and are unsure what to do.  It is hard to bring that thought to the surface, that it is all in my head.  When you are drowning, gasping for breath to live, it is hard to see the lifeline.  But once you grasp it you are well on your way out of the water. 

I learn that everyone experiences down turns
I am not the only one.  Crazy.....and freeing.

Seeing these things that I do, these behaviors that have lead me down dark paths, is kind of surreal.  It's like watching childhood home movies and gaping at the clothes your mother made you wear.  I can't believe that I have never seen these things before.  There they are, right in front of me, but I have been blind to them.  It feels good to see that stuff.  With my eyes a little more open, I can avoid slamming face first into a wall.  What a concept.

Over Analytical Stupidity

A friend posted a link on facebook about an over thinking drinking game.  You do one or two shots for doing things like second guessing yourself, or wondering if the world is against you because of you or because if it.  Things like that.  Reading through the list of things that would cause you to down an ounce of your favorite liquor, I realized something.  I would be drunk all the time. 

I know, big surprise. 

As I read the list I started laughing, which turned to an uncomfortable giggle, and ended in the realization that if I carried a hip flask at all times, I would spend a large portion of every day passed out in a drunken fever.  The habit of "what-if" has plagued me for as long as I can remember.  Surprisingly, to me anyway, it has taken me this long to begin developing the attitude of "it was right at the time".  I still struggle, though, and it is a slippery slope.  One misstep and I am rerunning every decision from the past month in an attempt to.....well, I have no idea what the goal is.  Second guessing past decisions is as pointless as worrying about future ones.  You can't do anything about it at that time.  (Take shots here)
I have always been a dedicated imaginer of assumption and fantasy as well.  My brain gets off on trying to figure out the motivations of people around me, or of trying to analyze the smallest and most insignificant comment made.  It might not be as big of an issue if my brain went off when it was happening, but that is rarely the case.  That would mean that I could ask a question or talk it out.  Oh, no.  It is not that convenient.  It usually occurs when the house or office is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy the voices in my head.  Then I start to wonder.  (take shots here)
Recently, it has been the over thinking of this latest relationship endeavor.  What is she thinking?  Does she like me like I like her?  Is she dating other people?  What does she want?  Did I say the wrong thing?  Could the last date have been better?  (Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)
For fuck sake!  I feel like a preteen girl dissecting every action of some boy.  It is irrational and stupid.  I know this.  I can't seem to stop it, but I can see myself doing it and it is annoying.  When I step out of my head and look at what actually happened, not what the motivations might have been, I can see that she does like me.  We text and talk.  We hold hands.  We smooch.  All positives, right?  Not for me.  (shot)
I wonder if she only does those things because she feels sorry for me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings.  (3 shots).  How stupid is that?  Again, if I look at the hard facts, I am an idiot.  (shot)  She is independent and seems to be strong willed.  She has a good sense of who she is and what she wants.  Why would she put herself into a situation where she is trying to make some guy feel good about himself? 
Answer:  she wouldn't.  (shot)
None of my friends would.  They want to hang out with me for whatever reason.  That reason doesn't matter.  This is not a soap opera where people are moving people like pawns or trying to destroy someone.  There aren't really "enemies" or covert friendships.  That is fantasy and movies and TV shows and books.  It is not real.

This is life. 
Things are what they are and worrying or wondering about the subtext that may or may not exist is a waste of time and energy.  We can't change past decisions.  There are things we can't do anything about happening now.  We can't read people's minds and most people aren't really all that devious that we should be concerned about them destroying our lives and laughing maniacally.  Over thinking is stupid and pointless.  I can't pretend that I will stop right away, it will be a long process, but if I don't do something about it, my liver will pack up and leave.

Slow and Steady

Ahhhh, the joys of meeting someone new.  The excitement and freshness and fun and tingling anxiety is a wonderful high, especially when you meet someone that really catches you.  As one might guess, I have met someone like this.  It is all rather new for me and that is exciting and fresh and invigorating.  This woman is petite and cute and fun.  She likes to drink and play games and rock climb and camp and run and is into sci-fi and geek games and she is independent and strong and sexy.  She has an amazing body with nice legs and a gravity defying ass (yes, I am a man and those things are important).
This thing between us is new because I had only spoken to her a few times before our first date.  Every time we go out, we explore each other.  I am not used to going out with someone that I did not know prior to dating.  I like it, but it offers its own challenges.  I don't always know what to do or to say or if it is okay to not talk for a bit or what she likes or does not like.  I feel unprepared.  The only thing I can do is to be myself.
What a fucking concept!
The only way I can approach being with her is to be myself, since I don't know what she would want, and to talk to her.  I ask questions and we talk and discover.  It's almost like I am doing it right.  
She has a lot of the things that I have been looking for in a woman, which is great, right?
Yep.
Great, except for that anxiety that is not tingly.

I keep expecting a bomb to drop.  What is the catch with her?  She is vegetarian, but eats fish.  That in itself is not really a big deal.  It makes it a little harder when picking a restaurant, but whatever.  So, if that is it.  Win for me.
Another challenge I seem to be facing as this road opens before me is being over watchful for pot holes.  There has to be some great fault that is going to blow this out of the water, right?  She can't be this perfect.  Or can she?  I know that everyone has their quirks and ticks that we look past if we really like them.  Some people have traits that you can't look past, however.  I keep looking for hers and it is well annoying.  The fact that I catch myself doing it makes it a little better.  I see it, I back off.  More often than not it is a soft whisper that I easily ignore when I am around her.  Yet, it is there.
This voice of pessimism is a result of some bad relationships.  It is my baggage creeping in and ruining the game for everyone.  It is a royal annoyance, but it may also be helpful in the long run.
When I meet someone that I really like, I want to dive in and go full steam.  My hesitations based on this belief that there has to be something about her that will break my heart has slowed me down.  This is a good thing.  Slow and steady and whatnot.
I know that I have to just relax and enjoy this; find the balance in the relationship.  Take it slow, but not too slow.  Hear the voice, but don't let it influence me.  I have decided that I want something with this one.  Something more than a friendship, more than just sex (which I haven't done yet, which says to me that I do really like her and it's not just physical).  I want something meaningful.  It really is an amazing feeling.  My gut says that she and I can have that.  My head says go for it.  My heart is still a bit on the fence.  Too much heartache will do that to you. I battle with my fear of intimacy.  I catch myself over thinking.  I ask what if. 
I need to stop.
She is a lighthouse.  She is a guide into this unknown. I need to relax, sit back and sail into the wind of what is growing here.  I get the feeling that it will be a great ride.

FOIC Platinum Member

Apparently, and probably rather obvious to the world, I have a fear of intimacy.  Duh, right?  The fact that I am dense is nothing new, so it is probably no surprise that I didn't see it until recently.  Even then it had to be shown to me.  How clueless we can be to things so obvious.
I would like to pin the beginning of my aversion to a necessary element of any relationship to Jill, but it may be from much earlier.
I don't mean to blame it on her, but to that relationship and that moment in time.  She was the first woman to really get me to open up and show her all the sides of me.  She was also the first one to reject me afterwards.  That is a bag that was packed full and gets lugged around into every new venture I attempt.  To make it so much heavier, the last relationship that I engaged myself in, that I poured myself into, has made it so much worse.  The women I have met since haven't really had a chance.  It is unfair to all parties involved.
Is this one of those cases where recognizing it will allow me to deconstruct it?
I hope so.
It usually rears its head after I have begun to open up and allow myself to feel close to someone.  It then points out all of the little things about that person that are annoying or contrary.  Then, it continues to point them out and to tell me why that stuff is no good for me and that I need to move on.  It's like a judgmental mother tearing down every woman her son meets so she doesn't lose him to some "hussy" who isn't good enough.  It's also a huge pain in the ass.
Fear of anything prevents us from fully engaging and enjoying the things life offers.  This particular fear pushes away anything good that could open us up to those things.  When a person is a "heart breaker" they may very well be a not-so-proud card carrying member of the FOIC, the Fear of Intimacy Club.  I think I may be a platinum member which grants me access to a more fully developed ability to fabricate reasons to not be with someone, an insiders list of qualities in people that will be annoying later on in life, and clearer vision to see all of these things.  The least I could get with this would be a free buffet once a month.
It is not too much of a stretch to think that my fear was one of the sledgehammers knocking the already weak cornerstones out of my marriage.  In fact, it probably had the wedge in way prior to any vows being spoken.  I know it did.  That fear was the voice telling me to give it 5 years.  It was the lock on the door that, if opened, would have given us a chance at something real and long term.  My god, that sucks.
Seeing it plainly, in black and white makes it so obvious and so real that I can't help but pull a face-palm.  I am such an idiot sometimes (more often than not, even).
I guess the benefit lies in seeing it.  It's not a mystery.  I know it is there and I know that I do it.  Remembering this and working to knock it off might actually let me have something deep and meaningful.  It might let me have that relationship that I know I want, but struggle in allowing myself to have. 

I feel like it is getting to the point that I am going to spend so much time trying to point out which fear I am succumbing to that I will end up missing any relationship I am in.
So much for relaxing and enjoying the sunshine....blergh.

Unwelcome Weekend Guest

Depression is an unwelcome weekend guest back from vacation, soon to be off again.  I never know when he will knock on my door or when I will find the baggage packed.  He doesn't stick around as long now, nor do his soft whisperings of hopelessness ring as true, but there he is.  At work, at play, driving home, choosing movies and songs - the sad eyes are on me.  It's draining telling him to fuck off all the time.  I guess it's good that I recognize his shadow enough to say it.
Writing about him usually sends him off for coffee, at least for a bit.   

Its Cold Breath

It sits on the edge of my vision, waiting for me to let my guard down so that it might strike.  I see it crouched and poised to leap.  I circle it, keeping as wide a distance as I can.  Without being able to look right at it, I can only guess when I will find myself falling again, knocked over the edge and spiraling towards an unseen and possibly nonexistent bottom. 
I fear it.  I feel it.
The depression doesn't seem to go away for good.  Now that I have free time, it stalks me again.  Now I know that I still have so much to do to get myself past all of this.  I wonder at the possibility of true freedom from its dark embrace.  Its breath was soft on my neck yesterday.  I would stop and try to look at it, take a step back, observe and question it to no avail.  Tendrils still reach out to me.  It is a scary feeling to glimpse the hole that you once lived in and have worked so hard to escape.  Doubt weaves its way into your thoughts. 
Maybe I didn't do enough to get better.  I haven't taken the time to meditate enough.  Why did I start to open myself again when I am not ready.  Why am I not ready?  Am I not good enough?  Can I love myself?  Do I deserve to?  There is no way out.  I can't live in this world this way.  I will never be happy.  And on and on and on.......
Storm clouds begin to roll in and although I can see the light framing the storm, I can't feel its warmth.  I am scared of the dark. 

I am still trying, though.

I can do better. 
I don't have to let it win.
Right?