Old Man Emo

Is it possible to really get past the entrenched enemy of anxiety and distrust?  My gut is screaming at me that there is something dishonest happening.  That the whole truth has not been revealed.  That there are remnants of something from before lingering like flies that have taken to buzzing around my head.  She has told me more than she told me before, which means that she had not been open and although she did not lie, she also did not tell the whole truth. 
I struggle with half truths. 
Half truths have broken my heart into more pieces than I can count.  The fear of that breaking brings up the anxiety.  It turns my stomach and burns in my chest. 
So I breathe and I reach out for inner peace, but it eludes me behind the torrent of mixed emotion and uncertainty.  I close my eyes and focus on the moment, but the tidal wave of fear wipes it away in the ocean of discontent; the ocean that I am drowning in.  The depression, the sadness, the fear, the ugly emotions that threaten me every day rear their head and take their shots in the wake of my weakness.  But I breathe deeply again.  I remind myself that it is all in passing.  I do not need her for happiness.  I do not need her to be whole.  That is within myself.  If I can reach into myself, then what she reveals and does not reveal does not matter. 
I am weak.  All of this reminds me of that weakness and I know that it is said that the struggle can lead to the greatest gains, but it hurts.  It frustrates.  It angers. 
She lives in the moment and although I feel that it is a defense mechanism for her, I envy it. I remember when I was that way, when I was loose and free.  I am not that anymore.  I have been tied up into a tight package and struggle to break the bonds.  I see the knife, but I can not reach it. 
And I am tired. 
The anxiety wears me down. 
This is just a taste of a time not too long ago.  A time where these seeds of doubt were planted, the roots cracking what was once rock solid trust. 

Maybe I am broken.  Unable to function as I once did.  Maybe I am fine and am just experiencing what we all go through.  Maybe I am just emo beyond my years. 

I will keep trying, breathing, breathing, breathing.
This cancer will either take me over or I will finally break free.  Time will tell.

Figments of Feelings

Insecurity, Anxiety, Fear.
The poisons that, too often, rule our lives. 

They push us to depression and anger and jealousy and are toxic to our existence.  So, I have been searching for an answer, a cure if you will, so that I might find some peace of mind.  Writing here is part of that search.  I think that quite a few of my recent posts have been centered around this theme and it helps to look at such abstract concepts in this format.  They become black and white.  They become somewhat solid and can be seen in a different light, from a different angle. 
I find that I read about things I do not understand.  So, I have been reading about insecurity and anxiety, fear and jealousy.  It seems I am not the only one to walk this fucked up road.  Everyone does.  This little tidbit has been really helpful for me.  You see, we are not alone and I think that the loneliness, the feeling that you are the sole traveler in a world too big to really comprehend is scary (fear).  Finding out that it is normal and that you are not the only one (anxiety) and you are not actually all that much different from everyone else (insecurity) is like finding a life raft in a stormy ocean.  You haven't found shore, but at least you aren't drowning.  It is really interesting to see how others deal with it, too.  They may not have the answer, but a seed may be planted from the words and thoughts and ideas they share.  It gives you something to think about other than what you are torturing yourself with.  It also gives you new weapons to beat back the oncoming depression that results from finding yourself lost on the massive ocean of your mind. 
One bit of advice that I have read has been to step back and look at the object of your anxiety or fear or whatever and really stare it down.  Check out the back and front.  Flip it over and read the label.  Break it down and find out what it is all made of.  Really meditate on it and see it for what it is. 
Nothing.
It is a figment.  It is a creation of all things negative made real and whole within the confines of our mind.  But outside of that, it is nothing. 
Trust me when I say that I recognize the simplicity of writing that and the complexity of truly realizing and accepting it.  Too often our fears become reality and the anxiety gains ground.  I think that this is where we have to find a way to recognize that our attachment to things is a source of our struggle. 
A source of anxiety for me is this woman and her friend.  It is a source of anxiety because I want to believe that she and I have a level of permanency.  It is sad to think of her not being around and that would be the result of her acting in a certain way with this guy.  But the truth is, she and I are not forever.  Nothing is.  We could be together 30 years and still not be permanent. 
It is a real struggle for me and I am worried about it because I wonder if it is going to be the norm for me if I don't find a way to get over it.  It is frustrating, this feeling.  It is ugly and destructive and it is a seemingly insurmountable wall. 
I have also read that finding the source of you anxiety and fear can help you remove it from your life.  At first thought, that would mean that I should avoid relationships.  But it is not the relationships that are the issue.  The fears are not born from dating someone.  They are born from something inside me.  That is why these feelings are so challenging.  To fix them, I have to find out what part of me needs work.  Staying away from women isn't the answer.  The emotions are still there.  They just lie dormant.  I would not be able to grow within myself.  It has been said that facing our greatest challenges can lead to the greatest improvements.  So, we shouldn't run or hide.  We should face them. 
And, so, I do. 
I am getting tired of talking about this and I imagine that anyone reading this drivel is also tired of it.  The benefit of the reader is that they can choose to not read.  What I would like is that same choice.  My hope is that I will be able to choose to not allow these feelings to enter my line of sight and cloud my vision. 
Someday.  Till then, I read and work, as we all do when we find struggles and challenges in our lives. 

That Gut Feeling

I have recently heard that the "gut feeling" is in fact a very complex series of links in your memory, instead of a simple feeling.  The links are all built around experience, which makes me wonder how accurate your gut can be when dealing with new situations all the time.  It is not instinct, it is something that would have to be constantly changing and evolving and in turn making your gut reaction different today then it would be if the same thing occurred tomorrow.  For most of my life, I have been rather oblivious to my "gut" and its advice.  I have preferred to run with the moment and let things happen.  Things have changed.  I have found that there were times when I would get that "gut voice" giving me warnings and I would ignore it.  I started to listen a little more closely to its sage like advice.  After all, cops do it.  Right?  But then this new bit of information comes in about experience and I am lead to this point (and I think I might have one).
And, I am confused.

I have begun to believe that this gut reaction has its place and there are also areas where it does not belong.  If it is based on experience and is changing and evolving based on what you do and learn, it can be an invaluable tool at work as a beat cop trying to make it good with the boss (and other life areas as well, I'm sure).  I wonder, though, at the effectiveness of the gut in relationships beyond the surface, beyond the coworker, acquaintance or common thug you might be questioning in the biggest case of you life.
If you are trying to build something with that cute girl you met, is it fair to listen to your gut?
I guess what I am wondering is, if you based your judgement of a situation with someone new - for example the have received a text from a guy friend and have assured you it is just a friend - on things that have happened in past relationships - for example that "friend" was in fact someone she had been messing around with - then your reaction would be that she was lying and you might yell or fight or tell her to fuck off.  If this new cutie was telling the truth, then your gut is an ass hole and might have cost you something pretty amazing.  And this is my struggle.
I have said before that it is a shitty thing that we tend to do when we dump our baggage into the unwitting arms of our latest crush.  They are not the people we have dated.  They did not do the things that have formed our insecurities.  There are patterns that people as a whole follow, and with time and conversation we can learn which of those are relevant to the person we are talking to.  But even then, people are all different.
My issue, to just get it out so that I can see it, is that a woman I am seeing has a man who is a friend.  They text.  In one of my past relationships, that man would have been the "friend" even though she said he was a friend.  So, now I bring that with me.  My experience tells me that I should not trust her.  But I have female friends who are just friends.  Can't a woman have the same thing?  She could look at me and say, "in the past a man lied to me about his female friends, so fuck you."  Her experience would tell her that I was a dog and that I was probably nailing these women.  I'm not, but her gut says I am.  So it would be unfair of me to do that to her. 

This is my brain.  I have been traveling this latest road for a few days now and it is getting tiring.  I realize that the best advice is to let it go.  She has said he is a friend and you have decided to trust her.  So, trust her.  But my gut has been a bit of a bitch about this one.  Even though it is letting off after I talked to her about it, my brain is still stirring the pot. 
The struggle is letting new experience take the place of old, bad experience.  By letting the new stuff in, a lot of that old stuff can be seen for what it is - one person who did stuff you didn't like.  It's not everyone.  It's not this new woman who seems to be really cool.  It becomes a creation inside your head and like most things that live up there, it is not real. We have to let it go or we can't move on. 
Letting go is not as easy as just saying it, though. 

I never used to have these insecurities.  It is strange to see me this way.

Moods Made Simple...ish

My moods seem to be like passing weather.  They are changing and sometimes unstable, can be destructive or can promote happiness and growth. They are also often dependent on how the world outside me is shifting.  My environment moves and my mood can change with it.  People in my life can adjust my happiness like a switch, though they may not know it.  I don't like being this way.
I have come to believe that this kind of mentality is far to unstable to allow me to maintain a sense of myself, a sense of happiness.  If true happiness is really rooted inside ourselves, then I have a lot of work to do. 

I have struggled for a long time with being happy, though it is not too far of a stretch to say that I am happier now than I have been in a long time.  Looking at the events from the past few years, one might wonder if it is because of the things that I have changed around me.  Was it leaving my marriage?  Was it the storm that I survived?  No.....and yes. 
My relationships were not the problem, though coming out of them and living to see the end of the tunnel I was in has shown me a few things.  My wife did not make me unhappy.  I was already unhappy.  The woman who rode through hell with me did not take me there, I allowed myself to go there.  My family issues and deeply seeded paternal problems are not really the cause of depression or sadness.  It is the reaction to those things that brings me down.  I know that I have written about this before, but I keep seeing it.  An event is just an event.  It is neither happy nor sad.  It is simply what it is.  Our clouded and complex minds make it into a clouded and complex thing. 
I wonder how simple things would be if we let them be only what they are. 

But how does that apply to emotions?  In theory, emotions are not "real" in the sense that they are not tactile and they are interpreted differently and felt at different times for everyone.  We can't pin down "happy" and say that it feels like this and happens at these times and it is this way all the time for everyone.  They are not that black and white. 
So, what are they?  What are our moods? 
I don't have an answer.  My thought is that they are reactions based on reactions based on reactions and on and on.  The smell of baking bread makes me smile.  The scent is pleasant.  The warmth from the oven feels good.  I get excited at thought of eating it.  I think about my mom baking bread and it is comforting.  I think about my Grandmother's house.  For me, it is very positive.  But what if I were to bake bread and the oven caused a fire and my house burnt down?  Would my happiness be as true the next time I smelled baking bread, or would it now be tainted?  My reaction would change and would become complex. My new reaction would be negative and the smell of bread could cause anxiety.
I have to believe that if our moods and emotions are reactions, then we can change them.  I can choose to slow down and look at what I am feeling and why I am feeling it.  In doing that, could I then become stronger within myself and able to have a modicum of control over the direction my mood swings? 
I believe yes. 
I believe it is not easy, but that it is that simple. 

My experience over the past year, as I have talked and reflected on myself, has lead me to a place where I can catch myself reacting to situations or acting in a certain way.  I don't always, but when I do I can ask myself why.  It is powerful, I believe.  When I feel depression coming on, I look at it.  I analyze it.  I break it down.  Sometimes it works, sometimes the mood is too strong of too confusing or too complex.  When it does work, the clouds break.  When it doesn't, I know I have a lot of work to do, still, but I learn something every time. 
We live in a fast paced world where we are forced to react quickly.  It is hard to stop and look at the trees in the forest, but I think it is important.  I know that if I lose sight of the trees for too long I get lost.  I think I will slow down more often.  I believe that doing so is part of my answer.

Seeing Life Lines

I wrote a deleted a post last week.  It was full of melancholic, emo shit more fitting of a teenager wearing eye liner than an 35 year old man, hence the deletion. 
On the other hand, it was typical of the emotional rainbow on which I ride.  Maybe it was just a week of some sort of male version of PMS.  I was moody and depressed and over thinking and second guessing and all sorts of very tiring and boring activities that lead nowhere.  I had a night out and a handful of drinks and I was okay again.  I also let it be known that I felt like it was that time of the month minus the bleeding.  A buddy laughed and then said that he too has had that.  Other people feel the same stuff I do?  The shit you can learn when you talk to people.
Each time I step into these little potholes, I learn something new. 

I learn that the light is always there,even when I can't see it. 
When depression sinks in, it seems limitless.  A black hole where all happiness is sucked in with no escape.  No one really loves you.  You will never laugh again.  You are pretty much shit.  Or so the little fucker would have you believe.
Depression is someone behind you all the time, covering your eyes and whispering in your ear.  Depression is an ass hole.  In truth, there is happiness and confidence and laughter all the time.  At that moment, though, you can't see it.  You see in negatives.  You have to find your outlet and let it out.  Depression doesn't really like being the topic of conversation for too long.  Eventually, he leaves.

I learn that it is all inside me.
All of the negative and self-defecation is me.  It's all in my head and is being magnified by whatever chemicals or thoughts or whatever it is that brings this on.  People out in the real world still care for you and love you.  I tend to mistake whatever look they have as negative towards me.  In actuality, they are just concerned and are unsure what to do.  It is hard to bring that thought to the surface, that it is all in my head.  When you are drowning, gasping for breath to live, it is hard to see the lifeline.  But once you grasp it you are well on your way out of the water. 

I learn that everyone experiences down turns
I am not the only one.  Crazy.....and freeing.

Seeing these things that I do, these behaviors that have lead me down dark paths, is kind of surreal.  It's like watching childhood home movies and gaping at the clothes your mother made you wear.  I can't believe that I have never seen these things before.  There they are, right in front of me, but I have been blind to them.  It feels good to see that stuff.  With my eyes a little more open, I can avoid slamming face first into a wall.  What a concept.

Over Analytical Stupidity

A friend posted a link on facebook about an over thinking drinking game.  You do one or two shots for doing things like second guessing yourself, or wondering if the world is against you because of you or because if it.  Things like that.  Reading through the list of things that would cause you to down an ounce of your favorite liquor, I realized something.  I would be drunk all the time. 

I know, big surprise. 

As I read the list I started laughing, which turned to an uncomfortable giggle, and ended in the realization that if I carried a hip flask at all times, I would spend a large portion of every day passed out in a drunken fever.  The habit of "what-if" has plagued me for as long as I can remember.  Surprisingly, to me anyway, it has taken me this long to begin developing the attitude of "it was right at the time".  I still struggle, though, and it is a slippery slope.  One misstep and I am rerunning every decision from the past month in an attempt to.....well, I have no idea what the goal is.  Second guessing past decisions is as pointless as worrying about future ones.  You can't do anything about it at that time.  (Take shots here)
I have always been a dedicated imaginer of assumption and fantasy as well.  My brain gets off on trying to figure out the motivations of people around me, or of trying to analyze the smallest and most insignificant comment made.  It might not be as big of an issue if my brain went off when it was happening, but that is rarely the case.  That would mean that I could ask a question or talk it out.  Oh, no.  It is not that convenient.  It usually occurs when the house or office is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy the voices in my head.  Then I start to wonder.  (take shots here)
Recently, it has been the over thinking of this latest relationship endeavor.  What is she thinking?  Does she like me like I like her?  Is she dating other people?  What does she want?  Did I say the wrong thing?  Could the last date have been better?  (Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)
For fuck sake!  I feel like a preteen girl dissecting every action of some boy.  It is irrational and stupid.  I know this.  I can't seem to stop it, but I can see myself doing it and it is annoying.  When I step out of my head and look at what actually happened, not what the motivations might have been, I can see that she does like me.  We text and talk.  We hold hands.  We smooch.  All positives, right?  Not for me.  (shot)
I wonder if she only does those things because she feels sorry for me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings.  (3 shots).  How stupid is that?  Again, if I look at the hard facts, I am an idiot.  (shot)  She is independent and seems to be strong willed.  She has a good sense of who she is and what she wants.  Why would she put herself into a situation where she is trying to make some guy feel good about himself? 
Answer:  she wouldn't.  (shot)
None of my friends would.  They want to hang out with me for whatever reason.  That reason doesn't matter.  This is not a soap opera where people are moving people like pawns or trying to destroy someone.  There aren't really "enemies" or covert friendships.  That is fantasy and movies and TV shows and books.  It is not real.

This is life. 
Things are what they are and worrying or wondering about the subtext that may or may not exist is a waste of time and energy.  We can't change past decisions.  There are things we can't do anything about happening now.  We can't read people's minds and most people aren't really all that devious that we should be concerned about them destroying our lives and laughing maniacally.  Over thinking is stupid and pointless.  I can't pretend that I will stop right away, it will be a long process, but if I don't do something about it, my liver will pack up and leave.

Slow and Steady

Ahhhh, the joys of meeting someone new.  The excitement and freshness and fun and tingling anxiety is a wonderful high, especially when you meet someone that really catches you.  As one might guess, I have met someone like this.  It is all rather new for me and that is exciting and fresh and invigorating.  This woman is petite and cute and fun.  She likes to drink and play games and rock climb and camp and run and is into sci-fi and geek games and she is independent and strong and sexy.  She has an amazing body with nice legs and a gravity defying ass (yes, I am a man and those things are important).
This thing between us is new because I had only spoken to her a few times before our first date.  Every time we go out, we explore each other.  I am not used to going out with someone that I did not know prior to dating.  I like it, but it offers its own challenges.  I don't always know what to do or to say or if it is okay to not talk for a bit or what she likes or does not like.  I feel unprepared.  The only thing I can do is to be myself.
What a fucking concept!
The only way I can approach being with her is to be myself, since I don't know what she would want, and to talk to her.  I ask questions and we talk and discover.  It's almost like I am doing it right.  
She has a lot of the things that I have been looking for in a woman, which is great, right?
Yep.
Great, except for that anxiety that is not tingly.

I keep expecting a bomb to drop.  What is the catch with her?  She is vegetarian, but eats fish.  That in itself is not really a big deal.  It makes it a little harder when picking a restaurant, but whatever.  So, if that is it.  Win for me.
Another challenge I seem to be facing as this road opens before me is being over watchful for pot holes.  There has to be some great fault that is going to blow this out of the water, right?  She can't be this perfect.  Or can she?  I know that everyone has their quirks and ticks that we look past if we really like them.  Some people have traits that you can't look past, however.  I keep looking for hers and it is well annoying.  The fact that I catch myself doing it makes it a little better.  I see it, I back off.  More often than not it is a soft whisper that I easily ignore when I am around her.  Yet, it is there.
This voice of pessimism is a result of some bad relationships.  It is my baggage creeping in and ruining the game for everyone.  It is a royal annoyance, but it may also be helpful in the long run.
When I meet someone that I really like, I want to dive in and go full steam.  My hesitations based on this belief that there has to be something about her that will break my heart has slowed me down.  This is a good thing.  Slow and steady and whatnot.
I know that I have to just relax and enjoy this; find the balance in the relationship.  Take it slow, but not too slow.  Hear the voice, but don't let it influence me.  I have decided that I want something with this one.  Something more than a friendship, more than just sex (which I haven't done yet, which says to me that I do really like her and it's not just physical).  I want something meaningful.  It really is an amazing feeling.  My gut says that she and I can have that.  My head says go for it.  My heart is still a bit on the fence.  Too much heartache will do that to you. I battle with my fear of intimacy.  I catch myself over thinking.  I ask what if. 
I need to stop.
She is a lighthouse.  She is a guide into this unknown. I need to relax, sit back and sail into the wind of what is growing here.  I get the feeling that it will be a great ride.