Still Not Right

It's here again.
So, I am here again.
The deep pain that lives in my heart.
I like to blame its awakening on the loss of love.
I don't know that the loss of another is the reason.  I think that it is me.  I have a hole and I need others to fill it. I surround myself with people.  Lots of people.  But the hole is never full.  It is hard to fill the sieve with sand. 
Sand is everything that is outside of me.

I opened my heart to another.  Unconditionally.  I bared myself and thought I was ready for whatever happened.  I believed that she loved me as I loved her.  But she didn't. She doesn't.  The hard fact is, opening your heart does not mean that the other will return that favor.  Not that it should.  No one owes anyone anything.  No one deserves anything. 

Maybe I don't want her.  Maybe I just want anything.
One thing I do know is that I don't want to feel this way anymore.
But me feeling this way is not her fault, though I wish it were. I am so angry at her for lying to me.  I feel used and I have no patience for being used.  I was already in a manipulative relationship.  I don't want to be in another. 

She told me that she wanted to try again after weeks of me wanting to hear those exact words.  But she
didn't.  She admitted it to me.  She just didn't want to lose me in her life.  The question is, why would I want to be with someone that would do that?  How could someone do that? 

How do I let go of the little things?
I struggle to go out for breakfast without thinking about her.  I struggle when I hear about Star Trek.  I struggle even watching porn.  I miss her so much.  I want to call her every day.  I want to see her.  I want to hold her. 
I want her to love me.

Or maybe I want her to love me like I love her.  She can't do that.  It's not her.  She has walls up that are nearly unbreakable. 
Or maybe she doesn't.
Maybe she just doesn't feel.

I miss her fingers on my neck when I drive. I miss cooking with her.  I miss watching movies.  I miss talking.  I miss how little she is.  I miss her.  So much.

I'm tired. 

I think about killing myself again.  I haven't been here for a while. I think about a gun.  I think about jumping.  It's dark and horrible.  I don't think I would ever do it.  But this voice in my head won't stop.  I'm just not right.  I'm not right.

But it's not real.  The moments of clarity tell me it's not. 

But missing her is.
My love is.
This overemotional, desperate, self-destructive bullshit is not. 

I just miss her so much.

Trying For Water

All the time.
I do this all the time.
I offer my heart to people and accept that they don't want it.
Constantly apologizing to the world for feeling what I feel and working around the things that the object of my heart wants because I hope that someday she will turn around and want me as much as I want her.
But that is not the way it works.
That is not the way of the world.
So why?
Why do I do that?
Why do I accept things that are less than what I want?
I think I just answered that.
I believe that people will come around and see my heart and what I offer for what it is. They don't.
They see what they want to see.  Feel what they want to feel.
You can't force a flower to bloom. You can water it. You can put it in the sun. You can't make it grow.
So I try and be something else. I try and be water.
I can be water.
I can flow. I can mold. I can relax and just be.
But I will always want love.
It just sucks feeling like the people I love don't and may not feel the same way I feel.
Those that do break me.
I am feeling low.
So I write like this.
I am confused and hurt and confused. So many questions and not nearly enough answers.

Just Really Confused

I hate this. This feeling of inching closer to something and having it just within reach but not being able to touch it, let alone get a hold. I am doing my best to give up the need to control this thing, this whatever it is, and I had a great Saturday night followed by a great Sunday into Monday morning. Of course, this greatness was preceded by a miserable Friday night where I sat with a friend and cried thinking about her being out and being with someone else. The feeling of losing her has been crushing me and she lets me have just enough to keep me around. At least that is what it feels like. I feel like I have been here before. I have had this relationship. I have had the undefined thing and it was miserable.
But this is different, right?
This isn't that.
It just feels.......bad.
I have been trying to figure out why, though. Why does it feel so badly? My initial thought is that it is because it sucks wanting someone more then they want you sucks. It sucks not having any control over what is happening. It sucks not knowing what the fuck is happening.
Or maybe it's because I don't know how she can do what she is doing, or rather not doing, if she loves me. Maybe she doesn't love me. Or at least not as much as I love her.
Is that okay?
Is that okay for me to just accept and deal with?
She broke my heart sitting in that bar when she said she needed more time. She said she wanted us to just take it easy. She said she didn't want to stop seeing him. How is that okay with me? Why do I let myself be treated this way? Do I not deserve to have the love that I feel is there for me?
In my heart I know that I love her and that we could have something amazing and deep. But she has this wall set up that I can't get past. She lets me in, but only so far. And then she lets me in all the way for a second and pushes me right back out. She wants something simple. It is apparent. So, what the hell am I doing?
I am all over the place with this. Part of me is accepting of it. Why not just rock something simple and enjoy it? I felt good when I just let it all go. No control, just enjoying the ride. But that won't last. I will move on and will have to let her know and will hurt her again. Or she will hurt me. At least when there is some commitment, it is not so simple to just walk away.
I want her. Just her. But now I have to find someone else. I don't want that. At all.
Confused. I am just confused.

Nature vs. Love

So this is happening again. I am writing again. I am sad again. I am in love again.
So here I am again.

This outlet is the next best thing to a therapist and it is free.
Not sure why I am explaining this.

Time to write.

My realization that I have had a need to control this thing has been freeing and torturing. There are so many things that I want to say to her, but I can't. It is a crazy situation because she has always told me to just say what I am feeling, but I don't think she knows how I feel. She doesn't know the way my heart beats because our hearts beat differently. Which, as hard as it is for me to understand, is something that I love about her. I love that she is not like me and that is also the most frustrating thing about her.
I began to question what it is about her that I love. Why am I here?  Why am I putting myself through this?
I don't have all the answers, not at the surface anyway.
But I know now. I know why I am so drawn to her.
I feel complete with her. But that isn't love.
Love is the way she is strong. So much stronger than I am. In that strength, she is vulnerable, but she won't let it show unless she is scared. She loves completely and doesn't judge those she loves. She shows her love in action, not words. She isn't good at words because she is awkward at intimacy when it comes to showing her heart. But when she shows it, it is amazing and beautiful and deep.  She told me once that she doesn't have the same kind of heart that I do. But she does. She keeps it hidden, possibly even from herself.
Just like I do.
She is opposite, but the same.
And it is goddamn frustrating, but that doesn't change how I feel. I do wish she would just say things the way she tells me to just say them. That one Saturday, in that one Starbucks, she did say it. That's how I knew. I saw her heart.
She says she doesn't trust me, but she does.
She is scared.
I want to open her eyes and show her that this love I feel is real. I mean, I have shown her, but I can't make her see. That is where the control thing comes in. I can't control what she chooses to see or what she can see. She needs time and I have to give that to her. And it is killing me, but if I love her I will give her what she needs.
I wonder how. How do I do that which is so against my nature? She has helped me open the box where I keep my heart and now I have to hold it back a little so that she can come around. Or maybe I shouldn't because that might make her think I don't care any more. And I do more than I can say.
And I miss her so much.

This is going to be really hard. I hope I can hold out. Maybe I hope to prove that I am not as weak as I think I am. I hope to prove that I love her to both her and to myself.
I know that I would do anything for her.
That's love, right?

Hammer to Water

Holy crap. I am back again. Once again it is because I find myself in a place where I need to write. I have lost control.

No.

I have been trying to take control. I have been grabbing and grasping and clinging and holding and reaching and running my mind in circles in an attempt to control.  I control because I am scared. I am scared because I can't control.
I have lost sight of the water.
I got a tattoo to remind me of the water, but I still forgot.
Bruce Lee said,

       “You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup.     

         When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes 

         the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend."

Become water

Become water

Become water

I have become a wall. A fist. A hammer.

In this lack of liquidity I fear I am pushing someone away.  Someone who is extremely important to me. That importance is why I am struggling to control. The important people in my life always go away, either by my doing or theirs.....usually mine. As I am typing this, I wonder if any of that has to do with my father leaving. There are a lot of deep-seeded fears that reside deep in my soul that stem from that. That could be why I try so hard to hold on to people and at the same time push them away. That may be why I don't talk about the things that are bothering me. Because I have never talked. I have never been talked to. Not about the serious stuff, the stuff that helps mold and hold and grow relationships. My family never really talked. I had no idea that my dad was going to leave until the night I sat on his lap and felt his bearded face when he cried the only tear I have ever seen him cry and he said he was leaving. That was it. No discussion or talking or warning, just gone. 

That's what I did to her. The woman I love and loved. I walked away when shit was tough and I didn't talk or explain or do any of the shit that a man should do.  A real man would talk. A real man would not run away.  But I did run. Like my dad did.

              "All this time I swore I'd never be like my old man. What the hell, time to face exactly what I am"                            Layne Staley

This is not to say that I didn't have reasons.  Shit was bad with us for some time. I had closed off because she had closed off and it was doomed to fail because we didn't talk.  I blame myself because that is what I do. I beat myself up. I go round and round in my head about what I could have done better or how I could have been better and how I am shit and then I get down on myself and it is all a rock slide to hell from there.

That is one reason I love her as much as I do. She talks to me, or at least she lets me talk. And I want to talk.  I want to tell her everything and anything she wants to know.  I want her to crawl inside my brain and walk around because I believe that she won't run away if she does. That she won't care that I am a crazy fuck. 

Then again, that is exactly what I am afraid of.  My heart tells me she won't care.  My ego, that dick, says she will care. She will run as fast as she can and won't turn back. Because no one will ever love me for me.  

I don't love me for me, so why would anyone else?

This is what I am dealing with. 

My brain runs in circles and it makes me crazy. 

As much as I want her to get in my head, I want to get in hers too.  I want to crawl in her head and learn every nook and cranny of the house that is her.  

But she has shut down again.  My god that woman is more walled off than I am.  Well, maybe not, but we are in a close race for a tie.

You may have picked up on the fact that I broke up with this woman. This beautiful, amazing woman that wrote about on this blog some time ago. This woman that inspires poetry and song. This woman....I left. I did what I do and I left. 

Then we talked.  It was a Saturday. We were in a Starbucks.  When we sat down, I was ready to lay my heart on the table and tell her that I couldn't just be friends with her. I have never been more right. The anguish that being her friend caused was terrible.

Something happened at that round table next to the window. She said that she had wanted to start a life with me. She hadn't said it before, but she did then. She said it and my heart exploded in my chest. I felt like I had never felt before because I felt immediately. My usual process of absorbing and thinking and thinking and thinking in order to know what I am feeling was moot.  I didn't need to think. I knew. I knew right then that I needed to be with her.

That's right. I said "needed". I don't need anyone. Ever. But her I needed. I knew I couldn't be friends with her because calling us friends would be like calling the Sears tower a hut.

So I asked her if she wanted to try again. 

She said no. 

My heart broke. 

But I understood.  I was too late. She had moved on. 

And then the rock slide to hell.....

The details are unnecessary. I suffered for a week like I haven't suffered since the infamous "her".

But maybe it needed to happen. It forced my heart open and I poured it all out for her in hopes that she would drink me up.  

And this is where the control begins......

I am so afraid that she will disappear from my life and that I won't get the chance to show her the magic that I know, and I mean "know" like I know that air is life, that we would have. 

This breaks my heart. 

So I try to control the situation because fear tells me that she will leave me. Fear has been telling me that she will leave me for quite some time. 

So I try to control.

And it isn't working. 

So I try harder.

And it works even less. 

Then the hands reach up from the depths of the pit that resides in my soul and they pull me down. They feed on my despair and my failed attempts to control the world I am walking in. So I become a wall and a hammer. 

And it works even less. 

So my friend tells me that I need to remember the water. 

A crack appears in the clouds. 

I need to be like water. 

This is an amazing challenge because I want very few things and her I want in the way I want to know that I will wake up in the morning. 

I also want to stand on a table and tell a room of strangers that I love her (stupid, I know). If I keep on with the hammer approach, I will never have that chance. 

So....I will be water.

 

Shit, that is heavy.  I am amazed that this much shit has come out.  I can't seem to stop writing. Makes me wonder why I stopped. I started again because my buddy reminded me about being water. I thought of this blog. Now I wrote.  I think I will keep on writing.  I forgot how good it made me feel.

Guilt, That Bitch

Every once in a while I am reminded of what happened not long ago.  Or at least is seems like not that long ago.  Almost two years have passed since I threw away my life in exchange for something different.  When I look back at that choice, I don't think it was the wrong one, but how can anyone know for sure?  I suppose the realization is that it was neither right nor wrong.  It was simply a choice.  It hurt people, quite a few in fact.  For that I am regretful and that regret feeds that guilt which comes back to darken my doorstep from time to time, usually when I hear from others things my ex-wife says. 

There is no way for me to know what she went through, but I can imagine it and even though it may only be a spark in an inferno of hurt and sadness, it is almost too much to bear and I am only imagining that which she actually had to feel.  This is the guilt.  This is the repercussion of what I did.  What I did, I can not change.  I know that.  I know that I did what I felt I had to do and can not apologize enough for what followed.  I also know that I did everything in my power to help her after, though I suppose this was mostly to make myself feel better.  It didn't, but there you have it. 

The guilt for what I did tore me down and beat me up for a long time.  I don't feel that pain quite the same anymore as I stop running from it.  I fucked up.  I know.  I can't change it or take it away or make it better.  Part of me rages at the cage bars because of this.  The other part, the part that is growing stronger, knows that I am allowed to forgive myself.  That is the hard part.  If I were on the outside, I would not view myself too highly.  On the inside, I don't view myself from that time very highly.  But I remind myself, I fucked up and I can't change it or take it back.  All I can do is move forward and do the best I can now. 

That is all any of us can do.  In our lives we will hurt and be hurt and make poor choices and make good choices and life will continue to move on.  Guilt will haunt us, that bitch that it can be, and though we should be cognizant of where it comes from and why, we can't live in it.  Happiness lies in the now and it is in the now that we can make a difference and make a choice to be better.  It is all we have and is far more precious then the negativity that some of our past would allow us to believe. 

I am rambling now.  I am sorry, truly for any pain I have ever caused.  I am and will be better than that.

Love is Free(ing)

I watch the Vampire Diaries on Netflix.  What can I say?  I like supernatural stuff and I got hooked.  Don't judge.  Anyway, there was a scene where two of the characters have this long awaited passionate kiss because they have lived with unrequited, forbidden love and don't want anyone to know and blah blah blah.  The thing I realized while watching it was that I once thought of that as love.  That tension, that feeling that you want to touch that person and kiss that person and feel their body and breath in unison with yours. 

But it's not.

That is passion and lust and desire from a physical attraction fostered by a rush of emotion.  That is chemical.  This is not to say that it is not real and that love can not live in the cadre of feelings that are involved in the heart pounding kiss in the rain.  Love makes those moments better, as it does all moments, but it is not intrinsically love.  I think this is a message that young people get and are able to relate to, so they fall into the stream of consciousness that love is hot and heavy and is a rush of adrenaline.  I would imagine that they do relate so well because being young is like that, too. 
Alongside these powerful chemical reactions comes a feeling of possession.  How often do we say that he or she is "mine"?  I mean, there is a valentine heart that says "be mine".  Most of us know that loving a person does not give you ownership of them, some people don't and that is a totally different conversation.  But I digress.  We don't own the people we love.  We have no say in their lives except for what they give us. 
There is a quote that says that love is when another person's happiness is more important than anything else, even them being with you. 
I believe this. 
The hardest part of that kind of love is the attachment we develop with the people in our lives,especially those who become lovers and girlfriends and wives.  But think about it.  When a friend of yours gets a dream job and moves away, you are sad to see them go but are overjoyed at their opportunity for happiness.  That is love.  When a son or daughter grows up and moves out and on into the world there is a sense of loss, but there is so much joy and pride for them pursuing their happiness.  That is love. 
Love is not the clinging.  It is not the need.  It is not the sweaty nights (sometimes days), it is not the rush of emotion in your chest when you see them.  It is not chemical reaction in the brain.  It is not jealous or needy or selfish.  
Love is kindness and giving without need to receive.  Love is wishing only joy on another.  It is the realization that, even when you think you are at your worst, they are by your side holding you up.  Love is putting another first.  It is unselfish.  It is seeing the beauty in someone even when they feel that beauty has washed away with age.  Love is free and freeing.


Good wine is better with age, being allowed to breath, and when shared with friends.  So it is with love. 

"We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it."

Rainer Maria Rilke

"Lovers never surrender to each other, lovers simply surrender to love."

Osho