I feel like I write a lot about fear. How can I avoid it? Fear invades every aspect of our lives and can be overwhelming when not faced head on. When one wall breaks, fear oozes in the cracks and begins to take over. Fighting it is damn tiring sometimes. How do you keep up when your heart feels like it will bear no more?
The fear I am talking about now is the fear of the possible unknown. Anything is possible and it is possible to be afraid of all of it. The things we tend to fear the most are the things that will cause us the most pain. I have little fear of heights, though a fall could break every bone in my body if it didn't kill me. The most pervasive fear for me is the fear of a broken heart, though I doubt that will kill me. I am always willing to climb a tree, lean over the edge of a building to see the street, go rock climbing or skydiving, and their is little hesitation. The thrill is wonderful and the adrenaline is almost addictive.
I love in much the same way.
I will climb the mountain with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. When I get to the top, however, I hesitate. One unstable foothold and I am backsliding out as quickly as I can. My heart seems more fragile than my bones.
When my trust is broken, my heart breaks too. I feel the pain in my chest and it permeates every part of my body. When I want to trust, there I am, staring at the rock face again willing myself to climb. But each time I take that handhold to begin climbing the desire is weaker and the fear is greater.
Unlike my bones, my heart has been broken in more places than I can count. I keep moving and keep loving and the heart keeps breaking. My fear is rooted in the past. The roots are deep and they are strong.
I love the woman I am with, but my trust has been tested a few too many times. I don't know how much more I have to give before I turn away and find something else. I don't want to do this, but what can a person do. We are tested time and again and it can often make us stronger, but, I wonder, how many times before it isn't worth it any more? Anxiety bleeds into my thoughts, now.
What I do know is the fertile soil for an invasive plant. What I don't know is the water that feeds it. Its flower is fear.
And so I am afraid once again. It is a struggle, but I believe that it is worth it.....for now. I am having a hard time trusting and this breaks my heart a little. I still want to hold on, though. I have a little bit more to give before my hands give out and I can't climb anymore.
I believe it is important, sometimes, to pull yourself to the top. You might not make it, and that may not even be the point. Maybe the top isn't even there. Maybe it is the climb that is the point of it all. As long as it fills your heart and allows you to respect yourself, maybe that is all you need.
"The future will come, come what may. Your fear is that of the unknown
and imagined future. Your pain is from attachment in the face of this
fear."
samsaranmusing
Monday, January 28, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Four Day Fog
Depression brings with it a fog. It is a cold gray morning that will not be burned out by the sun, because the sun has lost its warmth. This is not a fog brought in by little cat feet. It is a fog that bubbles up from within, pouring from your eyes, ears, and nose and tainting those senses as it goes. It is the voice of the ego made whole and it resonates through everything you do, see, smell, touch, hear.
For years I was in it thrall, a subject of a Stockholm Syndrome. So deep was I that I didn’t know any different. I thought that hole was all the world.
For me, now, the fog lasts a day or maybe four. It locks me inside my head with a promise to keep me warm from the cold dampness outside. What it has never told me, but what I have begun to realize, is that the very thing it promises to protect me from is the very thing it brings with it.
But I see that now. I know it to be true.
And when I feel the familiar cold and find that I can’t open my eyes enough to find light, I turn inside and there he is. Ego. Smiling like an old friend through soulless eyes he reaches out a cold, long fingered hand and beckons me back to the hole. But I say “no”. I reject him.
I hear his words, I listen to his pleas and I say “no”. I reject him.
I admit that I am not strong enough yet to be completely immune to his sugared, poisoned words, but I am strong enough that I know them to be lies and that is stronger than I ever was.
So now, after that day or maybe four, I push away the fog and watch it turn in to a cloud in a beautiful, sunny sky. Ego goes back to whence he came with a promise to return. I let him know that he is welcome like an old friend. Now he looks amused and somewhat confused. He is not used to compassion. Ego is a part of me and when I bring love to myself I am able to see the light in all my many faces, even that one. Even better, I am able to see love in the faces of people around me.
Monday, January 7, 2013
That Jerk, Ego
It has been quite some time since I have written here. That is good because I tend to write here when I am in a quandary. Lack of posts means lack of quandaries. It means that I am generally happy and am not confused at the moment.
So, I will post this little tidbit since it is swimming in my mind.
I have a tendency to see a beautiful woman and then want her.
I know, strange behavior for a man.
My issue is that this draw can seem almost overwhelming and I will feel guilty for that lust. And lust is what it is. The guilt is present because I love my girlfriend and she is really pretty kick ass. I would never want to hurt her and to be honest, I don't act on my feelings for random hot chicks. I just look and wonder what they might look like naked. I feel badly when I will think about that woman beyond just the initial first glance. I worry that I would act if that woman were to approach me and initiate something.
It has happened before.
It wasn't a good thing.
It makes me wonder about my will power and my drive towards the pull of lust. Then I remember that all of that stuff is Ego stepping in. Ego is that voice telling you that you want more. Ego is the force that pushes you in the direction of harmful action. Ego is telling me that I want to fuck this chick or that regardless of who might get hurt. It wants me to have more and more and more.
Ego is a dick.
I suppose this recognition is a really good thing and that the the learning experience is the presentation of these women. Ego is the reason that I place so much value in the attention of women and in the acquisition of them physically.
Now that I have recognized it, I need to let it go. That is a challenge.
So, I will post this little tidbit since it is swimming in my mind.
I have a tendency to see a beautiful woman and then want her.
I know, strange behavior for a man.
My issue is that this draw can seem almost overwhelming and I will feel guilty for that lust. And lust is what it is. The guilt is present because I love my girlfriend and she is really pretty kick ass. I would never want to hurt her and to be honest, I don't act on my feelings for random hot chicks. I just look and wonder what they might look like naked. I feel badly when I will think about that woman beyond just the initial first glance. I worry that I would act if that woman were to approach me and initiate something.
It has happened before.
It wasn't a good thing.
It makes me wonder about my will power and my drive towards the pull of lust. Then I remember that all of that stuff is Ego stepping in. Ego is that voice telling you that you want more. Ego is the force that pushes you in the direction of harmful action. Ego is telling me that I want to fuck this chick or that regardless of who might get hurt. It wants me to have more and more and more.
Ego is a dick.
I suppose this recognition is a really good thing and that the the learning experience is the presentation of these women. Ego is the reason that I place so much value in the attention of women and in the acquisition of them physically.
Now that I have recognized it, I need to let it go. That is a challenge.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Biking Through Storms
It is amazing to think how we change. Life is constantly evolving
and moving and we are moving with it moment to moment. How often,
though, do we really notice all the stuff around us as it is happening?
How often do we see ourselves changing? I have a tattoo, somewhat
recent, that reads "this is water". The story goes that two fish are
swimming along and an older fish swims past, stops and nods and smiles
and says, "Hey boys. How's the water?" The fish part ways and swim
along. The two younger fish stop after a bit and one says to the other,
"What the hell is water?" I stole, or borrowed depending on how
liberally you look at it, from David Foster Wallace.
Everyday, all around us, life is happening. We are growing and feeling and eating and breathing and loving and smiling and laughing and living, and we forget this. As a society, I notice a lot of us only seeing the sad things and focusing on them. I do it. I think we all do. We glance at the smile we get at the store, or the person holding a door for us, or the hug from a friend who loves us, or the supporting hands that help us everyday. We only glance and move on. Then we turn and stare at the love lost, how we don't have any money, the way we aren't what we thought we would be. These are the photos in our mind. The pictures of good times sit in albums tucked away in a closet.
Perhaps we focus on the bad times, the storms in our lives, because they have the biggest impact on us. They change us the most drastically in a short period of time. I know that a few years ago (it is amazing that is how long ago it was) I was in a place I would never wish on anyone. It was impossible to think of how life was outside of that darkness. But I survived it and have grown and changed and matured.
I am doing things I might not have ever done. I am stronger in some ways, weaker in others, but I am changed.
The good times don't alter us in the same way. Those times change us slowly and are more like a gentle polish that makes us brighter. A rock can be carved away by a raging rapid but made smooth by a flowing stream. Perhaps the rapids come along when life grows tired of gently tugging us along, because like rocks we can be stubborn. The storms, the raging rivers, are the unsubtle ways of getting us somewhere. I am not a huge believer in fate and perhaps I am only trying to make sense of something that is hard to understand, but I believe that paths are presented to us and sometimes we dilly-dally a bit too long deciding which way to go instead of just living in the moment and taking the steps in one direction or another. Eventually something has to happen.
Einstein said that life is like riding a bicycle. You have to keep moving to maintain a balance. I think it would be good to ride life like that, the wind in your face, the ground below you a blur of grass and stone, and a focus on what is around us right now so we can see the rocks in the road and keep moving with joyous intensity.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
Everyday, all around us, life is happening. We are growing and feeling and eating and breathing and loving and smiling and laughing and living, and we forget this. As a society, I notice a lot of us only seeing the sad things and focusing on them. I do it. I think we all do. We glance at the smile we get at the store, or the person holding a door for us, or the hug from a friend who loves us, or the supporting hands that help us everyday. We only glance and move on. Then we turn and stare at the love lost, how we don't have any money, the way we aren't what we thought we would be. These are the photos in our mind. The pictures of good times sit in albums tucked away in a closet.
Perhaps we focus on the bad times, the storms in our lives, because they have the biggest impact on us. They change us the most drastically in a short period of time. I know that a few years ago (it is amazing that is how long ago it was) I was in a place I would never wish on anyone. It was impossible to think of how life was outside of that darkness. But I survived it and have grown and changed and matured.
I am doing things I might not have ever done. I am stronger in some ways, weaker in others, but I am changed.
The good times don't alter us in the same way. Those times change us slowly and are more like a gentle polish that makes us brighter. A rock can be carved away by a raging rapid but made smooth by a flowing stream. Perhaps the rapids come along when life grows tired of gently tugging us along, because like rocks we can be stubborn. The storms, the raging rivers, are the unsubtle ways of getting us somewhere. I am not a huge believer in fate and perhaps I am only trying to make sense of something that is hard to understand, but I believe that paths are presented to us and sometimes we dilly-dally a bit too long deciding which way to go instead of just living in the moment and taking the steps in one direction or another. Eventually something has to happen.
Einstein said that life is like riding a bicycle. You have to keep moving to maintain a balance. I think it would be good to ride life like that, the wind in your face, the ground below you a blur of grass and stone, and a focus on what is around us right now so we can see the rocks in the road and keep moving with joyous intensity.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
| — | Haruki Murakami |
Monday, November 19, 2012
Fearing in Love
I find myself falling in love.
This is not too rare for me since I tend to fall in face first whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time, and when I love, I love deeply. Feeling this way is causing a small amount of anxiety, which I think I fairly typical for a lot of people. There is a fear of rejection or even a fear of acceptance. Admitting to love brings with it the fear of what happens if things go south because the pain of a relationship ending when you were in love is so much deeper. (Note: the original sentence had "when" instead of "if". Cynical?)
Suffice it to say, I have not made my declaration yet. Fear holds me back. I think the largest part of the fear is that saying it makes it real and makes the relationship something more than just a passing fancy. I don't want a relationship that has an expiration date, so it would make sense that making it real would be a good thing for me. Then there is the fear that saying it could lead to it ending. What if she does not return the sentiment? What then? What do I do? I don't know if I am that guy that can say "I love you, but you don't have to say it back." Then I find myself asking, do I need her to say it back? Shouldn't love be given freely and without expectation of a return? Yes it should. My reservation in this area comes from my aforementioned desire to have a relationship that is long term. I don't need her to say it back, but in my mind this brings up the question of her intention with me and my heart.
It is impossible to think that I am the only person that gets this anxiety in this situation. Love is scary because it holds a risk of the heart. When we are young, it is so much easier because we haven't felt the pain of the loss that can come from being in love. When we are young, love sets us free like running wild through a sunny field. With experience, love sets us free like a balloon is free. There is always a string attached to some fear. That fear can lead some to try and control the love or hold it back. It becomes harder to cut the string and to just love as we experience pain that we associate with that love. It takes an enlightened mind to let the balloon soar free.
I guess I still have some work to do in that area.
For now, just loving is my aim. Waiting for myself to get to that point is what holds me back from saying it. Then I wonder how I would feel if she were not around tomorrow and I hadn't told her how I feel. If I am to treat people as if today were the last time I would see them, shouldn't I tell her? Then I think that telling her under that train of thought is still a declaration made out of fear.
I guess what I really want is to be sure but I think what I am really doing is just over thinking.
I have moments with her where it almost flows out of me uncontrollably. But the ego pulls it back and questions it. The ego is kind of a dick that way, but I know that it is just a way for me to protect myself.
I do believe that I will say it. I know that I do not say those words lightly, ever, so it will mean a lot. I also know that it is important to allow love to be light and joyful. It is an amazing thing and since I have begun to let the pain of past things go, I will let go of the pain that loss of love has brought.
For all I know, this love could be awesome.
This is not too rare for me since I tend to fall in face first whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time, and when I love, I love deeply. Feeling this way is causing a small amount of anxiety, which I think I fairly typical for a lot of people. There is a fear of rejection or even a fear of acceptance. Admitting to love brings with it the fear of what happens if things go south because the pain of a relationship ending when you were in love is so much deeper. (Note: the original sentence had "when" instead of "if". Cynical?)
Suffice it to say, I have not made my declaration yet. Fear holds me back. I think the largest part of the fear is that saying it makes it real and makes the relationship something more than just a passing fancy. I don't want a relationship that has an expiration date, so it would make sense that making it real would be a good thing for me. Then there is the fear that saying it could lead to it ending. What if she does not return the sentiment? What then? What do I do? I don't know if I am that guy that can say "I love you, but you don't have to say it back." Then I find myself asking, do I need her to say it back? Shouldn't love be given freely and without expectation of a return? Yes it should. My reservation in this area comes from my aforementioned desire to have a relationship that is long term. I don't need her to say it back, but in my mind this brings up the question of her intention with me and my heart.
It is impossible to think that I am the only person that gets this anxiety in this situation. Love is scary because it holds a risk of the heart. When we are young, it is so much easier because we haven't felt the pain of the loss that can come from being in love. When we are young, love sets us free like running wild through a sunny field. With experience, love sets us free like a balloon is free. There is always a string attached to some fear. That fear can lead some to try and control the love or hold it back. It becomes harder to cut the string and to just love as we experience pain that we associate with that love. It takes an enlightened mind to let the balloon soar free.
I guess I still have some work to do in that area.
For now, just loving is my aim. Waiting for myself to get to that point is what holds me back from saying it. Then I wonder how I would feel if she were not around tomorrow and I hadn't told her how I feel. If I am to treat people as if today were the last time I would see them, shouldn't I tell her? Then I think that telling her under that train of thought is still a declaration made out of fear.
I guess what I really want is to be sure but I think what I am really doing is just over thinking.
I have moments with her where it almost flows out of me uncontrollably. But the ego pulls it back and questions it. The ego is kind of a dick that way, but I know that it is just a way for me to protect myself.
I do believe that I will say it. I know that I do not say those words lightly, ever, so it will mean a lot. I also know that it is important to allow love to be light and joyful. It is an amazing thing and since I have begun to let the pain of past things go, I will let go of the pain that loss of love has brought.
For all I know, this love could be awesome.
"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."
Thich Nhat Hanh
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Subliminal Mad Man
There are mornings I wake up and can hear that negative voice in my head right away. When he is there, I know that it will be a struggle to keep myself in a good space. If I let that negativity win, it will be days before I am out of the hole that I will dig. But I know that I have a choice.
On those mornings when I wake up and he is there, whispering to me bits of advice or hints of insight into the workings of others who are out to get me, I can choose to listen and accept. If I choose this path, I feel strong because I am able to know what others are thinking. I am able to protect myself from the evil inclinations of everyone around me. I have myself to protect myself and I can cut the rest of the world off so that they can't get to me. Then I begin to feel alone. I lose myself in the swirl of thoughts that run a rampant circle around my mind. The sky goes dark, the storm opens up and I am buried. Depression is my name.
Days will pass until I can see a hint of something good. Then I struggle to drag myself out of the hole that I am buried in. I will spend the next few days just trying to feel happy again, only to wake one morning to the same choice.
I choose not to blindly accept the rantings of that mad man, I know that I will have a struggle that day, but it will be a struggle for something great. Because I had chosen to listen to that voice for so long, his words are powerful and shake my foundling foundation with reverberating negativity. The clouds threaten outside my windows, but I am safely inside. The louder claps of thunder scare me as they shake the walls, threatening the integrity. But I am safely inside. When a leak starts, I plug the hole. If the wind blows open a door, I close it. Then I sit and breathe and wait out the storm. By not succumbing to the negativity of the storm, I learn from it. I learn what needs to be tied down and secured and what will cause the house to shake the hardest. I learn what I need to do to keep that storm at bay. I learn to live right Now.
I choose this path today.
I have grown tired of feeling the anxiety and depression that comes around once a week, it seems, and tries to get in. I choose to stop creating problems that do not exist. I choose to be positive and unaffected by the rantings of a subliminal mad man. If I am being honest, I know that I will hear his voice. I can either listen and believe or not.
I have read that it is best to stay positive when this kind of thing happens. Don't ignore it, make friends with it. Laugh when the voice tells you all is doomed and you don't deserve to be happy. We are not the voice in our heads.
I know that today will be a struggle for me. I will have to try to stay above the water and keep positive and smiling. Today, my smile will be the source of my joy so that tomorrow my joy can be the source of my smile.
“When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical. You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of the Now. If you create no more pain for yourself, then you create no more pain for others. You also no longer contaminate the beautiful Earth, your inner space, and the collective human psyche with the negativity of problem-making.”
On those mornings when I wake up and he is there, whispering to me bits of advice or hints of insight into the workings of others who are out to get me, I can choose to listen and accept. If I choose this path, I feel strong because I am able to know what others are thinking. I am able to protect myself from the evil inclinations of everyone around me. I have myself to protect myself and I can cut the rest of the world off so that they can't get to me. Then I begin to feel alone. I lose myself in the swirl of thoughts that run a rampant circle around my mind. The sky goes dark, the storm opens up and I am buried. Depression is my name.
Days will pass until I can see a hint of something good. Then I struggle to drag myself out of the hole that I am buried in. I will spend the next few days just trying to feel happy again, only to wake one morning to the same choice.
I choose not to blindly accept the rantings of that mad man, I know that I will have a struggle that day, but it will be a struggle for something great. Because I had chosen to listen to that voice for so long, his words are powerful and shake my foundling foundation with reverberating negativity. The clouds threaten outside my windows, but I am safely inside. The louder claps of thunder scare me as they shake the walls, threatening the integrity. But I am safely inside. When a leak starts, I plug the hole. If the wind blows open a door, I close it. Then I sit and breathe and wait out the storm. By not succumbing to the negativity of the storm, I learn from it. I learn what needs to be tied down and secured and what will cause the house to shake the hardest. I learn what I need to do to keep that storm at bay. I learn to live right Now.
I choose this path today.
I have grown tired of feeling the anxiety and depression that comes around once a week, it seems, and tries to get in. I choose to stop creating problems that do not exist. I choose to be positive and unaffected by the rantings of a subliminal mad man. If I am being honest, I know that I will hear his voice. I can either listen and believe or not.
I have read that it is best to stay positive when this kind of thing happens. Don't ignore it, make friends with it. Laugh when the voice tells you all is doomed and you don't deserve to be happy. We are not the voice in our heads.
I know that today will be a struggle for me. I will have to try to stay above the water and keep positive and smiling. Today, my smile will be the source of my joy so that tomorrow my joy can be the source of my smile.
“When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical. You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of the Now. If you create no more pain for yourself, then you create no more pain for others. You also no longer contaminate the beautiful Earth, your inner space, and the collective human psyche with the negativity of problem-making.”
| — | Eckhart Tolle |
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Rearview Mirror Master
I need control.
I read that and am blown away. It is very possible that people who know me are not as surprised as I am, but this is really a shock. For a long time I have believed myself to be laid back and pretty chill about all things. I was, for a time, and still am on some fronts. On others, not so much.
This need has been discovered during my reading and exploration of the spiritual things to which I am inclined nowadays (specifically this one which I just read - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3986/10-Things-to-Remind-Yourself-on-a-Daily-Basis.html). A repeated mantra in most manuals and texts of higher happiness is to stop trying to control everything. There are things in this world over which you have no control. The only thing you do have a direct line to is yourself.
For me, it is relationships (this is obvious to anyone that has read this blog). I never thought it true, but I have a need to control the outcomes of relationships. I am like a director trying to control the action on screen and the emotion of the actors involved. I want to know what they are feeling in the moment instead of allowing the space for exploration and organic involvement. I would hate it if someone did this to me, so how can I allow myself to do it to others and to myself!?!
I said I never thought it true, but it is more like I have never admitted it to be true, especially to me.
I can't help but believe that my control issues stem from past hurt, but where else would it come from? I tend to live in the past, so I fear repeating moments that were difficult and attempt to steer myself and everyone involved away from them. In actuality, I am probably steering everyone right over the cliff myself since I am too busy checking the rear view mirror and not enjoying the road in front of me.
I need to turn my attention to what is in front of me in that moment. Then I can just enjoy it all instead of worrying and stressing and being all around not awesome. I need to find a reminder to do this.
When you think about, a lot of bad things can happen that you have no control over. Attempting to control them changes little about the controlee but can have drastic effects on the would-be controller. The other thing is, whatever happens won't be as bad as you believe it will be. It feels like it when you try to predict the outcome (another issue of mine), but you will wake up and laugh and feel good again.
How you feel, how you react, that is something you can control.
I wrote a blog a while back where I wondered how to let go. I think I know how to let go, but in doing so I am losing control. If I hold on to it there is a feeling of control that doesn't really exist. Those things control me. When I am trying to control my feelings or the feelings of someone else, those things are controlling me. Much like the way Buddhist thought states that we can not be something with out that something being us, I can not control something without it controlling me. By letting them go, that control is broken.
By letting go, I gain control.
To some this may be common sense. To me, it is a revelation. I know that I have to let go and perhaps this blog has opened my eyes to a reason I struggle with it. When I tell myself to let go there is a sadness alongside the feeling of being free. I think the sadness comes from the empty space where that thing was. There is a hole now. What I need to realize is that that space can be filled with something awesome instead of the non-awesome thing that was there.
It would be nice to be full of awesome.
I read that and am blown away. It is very possible that people who know me are not as surprised as I am, but this is really a shock. For a long time I have believed myself to be laid back and pretty chill about all things. I was, for a time, and still am on some fronts. On others, not so much.
This need has been discovered during my reading and exploration of the spiritual things to which I am inclined nowadays (specifically this one which I just read - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3986/10-Things-to-Remind-Yourself-on-a-Daily-Basis.html). A repeated mantra in most manuals and texts of higher happiness is to stop trying to control everything. There are things in this world over which you have no control. The only thing you do have a direct line to is yourself.
For me, it is relationships (this is obvious to anyone that has read this blog). I never thought it true, but I have a need to control the outcomes of relationships. I am like a director trying to control the action on screen and the emotion of the actors involved. I want to know what they are feeling in the moment instead of allowing the space for exploration and organic involvement. I would hate it if someone did this to me, so how can I allow myself to do it to others and to myself!?!
I said I never thought it true, but it is more like I have never admitted it to be true, especially to me.
I can't help but believe that my control issues stem from past hurt, but where else would it come from? I tend to live in the past, so I fear repeating moments that were difficult and attempt to steer myself and everyone involved away from them. In actuality, I am probably steering everyone right over the cliff myself since I am too busy checking the rear view mirror and not enjoying the road in front of me.
I need to turn my attention to what is in front of me in that moment. Then I can just enjoy it all instead of worrying and stressing and being all around not awesome. I need to find a reminder to do this.
When you think about, a lot of bad things can happen that you have no control over. Attempting to control them changes little about the controlee but can have drastic effects on the would-be controller. The other thing is, whatever happens won't be as bad as you believe it will be. It feels like it when you try to predict the outcome (another issue of mine), but you will wake up and laugh and feel good again.
How you feel, how you react, that is something you can control.
I wrote a blog a while back where I wondered how to let go. I think I know how to let go, but in doing so I am losing control. If I hold on to it there is a feeling of control that doesn't really exist. Those things control me. When I am trying to control my feelings or the feelings of someone else, those things are controlling me. Much like the way Buddhist thought states that we can not be something with out that something being us, I can not control something without it controlling me. By letting them go, that control is broken.
By letting go, I gain control.
To some this may be common sense. To me, it is a revelation. I know that I have to let go and perhaps this blog has opened my eyes to a reason I struggle with it. When I tell myself to let go there is a sadness alongside the feeling of being free. I think the sadness comes from the empty space where that thing was. There is a hole now. What I need to realize is that that space can be filled with something awesome instead of the non-awesome thing that was there.
It would be nice to be full of awesome.
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