Love is Free(ing)

I watch the Vampire Diaries on Netflix.  What can I say?  I like supernatural stuff and I got hooked.  Don't judge.  Anyway, there was a scene where two of the characters have this long awaited passionate kiss because they have lived with unrequited, forbidden love and don't want anyone to know and blah blah blah.  The thing I realized while watching it was that I once thought of that as love.  That tension, that feeling that you want to touch that person and kiss that person and feel their body and breath in unison with yours. 

But it's not.

That is passion and lust and desire from a physical attraction fostered by a rush of emotion.  That is chemical.  This is not to say that it is not real and that love can not live in the cadre of feelings that are involved in the heart pounding kiss in the rain.  Love makes those moments better, as it does all moments, but it is not intrinsically love.  I think this is a message that young people get and are able to relate to, so they fall into the stream of consciousness that love is hot and heavy and is a rush of adrenaline.  I would imagine that they do relate so well because being young is like that, too. 
Alongside these powerful chemical reactions comes a feeling of possession.  How often do we say that he or she is "mine"?  I mean, there is a valentine heart that says "be mine".  Most of us know that loving a person does not give you ownership of them, some people don't and that is a totally different conversation.  But I digress.  We don't own the people we love.  We have no say in their lives except for what they give us. 
There is a quote that says that love is when another person's happiness is more important than anything else, even them being with you. 
I believe this. 
The hardest part of that kind of love is the attachment we develop with the people in our lives,especially those who become lovers and girlfriends and wives.  But think about it.  When a friend of yours gets a dream job and moves away, you are sad to see them go but are overjoyed at their opportunity for happiness.  That is love.  When a son or daughter grows up and moves out and on into the world there is a sense of loss, but there is so much joy and pride for them pursuing their happiness.  That is love. 
Love is not the clinging.  It is not the need.  It is not the sweaty nights (sometimes days), it is not the rush of emotion in your chest when you see them.  It is not chemical reaction in the brain.  It is not jealous or needy or selfish.  
Love is kindness and giving without need to receive.  Love is wishing only joy on another.  It is the realization that, even when you think you are at your worst, they are by your side holding you up.  Love is putting another first.  It is unselfish.  It is seeing the beauty in someone even when they feel that beauty has washed away with age.  Love is free and freeing.


Good wine is better with age, being allowed to breath, and when shared with friends.  So it is with love. 

"We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it."

Rainer Maria Rilke

"Lovers never surrender to each other, lovers simply surrender to love."

Osho

Come What May

I feel like I write a lot about fear.  How can I avoid it?  Fear invades every aspect of our lives and can be overwhelming when not faced head on.  When one wall breaks, fear oozes in the cracks and begins to take over.  Fighting it is damn tiring sometimes.  How do you keep up when your heart feels like it will bear no more?

The fear I am talking about now is the fear of the possible unknown.  Anything is possible and it is possible to be afraid of all of it.  The things we tend to fear the most are the things that will cause us the most pain.  I have little fear of heights, though a fall could break every bone in my body if it didn't kill me.  The most pervasive fear for me is the fear of a broken heart, though I doubt that will kill me.  I am always willing to climb a tree, lean over the edge of a building to see the street, go rock climbing or skydiving, and their is little hesitation.  The thrill is wonderful and the adrenaline is almost addictive.
I love in much the same way.
I will climb the mountain with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.  When I get to the top, however, I hesitate.  One unstable foothold and I am backsliding out as quickly as I can.  My heart seems more fragile than my bones.
When my trust is broken, my heart breaks too.  I feel the pain in my chest and it permeates every part of my body.  When I want to trust, there I am, staring at the rock face again willing myself to climb.  But each time I take that handhold to begin climbing the desire is weaker and the fear is greater.

Unlike my bones, my heart has been broken in more places than I can count.  I keep moving and keep loving and the heart keeps breaking.  My fear is rooted in the past.  The roots are deep and they are strong. 
I love the woman I am with, but my trust has been tested a few too many times.  I don't know how much more I have to give before I turn away and find something else.  I don't want to do this, but what can a person do.  We are tested time and again and it can often make us stronger, but, I wonder, how many times before it isn't worth it any more?  Anxiety bleeds into my thoughts, now.

What I do know is the fertile soil for an invasive plant.  What I don't know is the water that feeds it.  Its flower is fear.

And so I am afraid once again.  It is a struggle, but I believe that it is worth it.....for now.  I am having a hard time trusting and this breaks my heart a little.  I still want to hold on, though.  I have a little bit more to give before my hands give out and I can't climb anymore.

I believe it is important, sometimes, to pull yourself to the top.  You might not make it, and that may not even be the point.  Maybe the top isn't even there.  Maybe it is the climb that is the point of it all.  As long as it fills your heart and allows you to respect yourself, maybe that is all you need.

"The future will come, come what may. Your fear is that of the unknown and imagined future. Your pain is from attachment in the face of this fear."
samsaranmusing

Four Day Fog

Depression brings with it a fog.  It is a cold gray morning that will not be burned out by the sun, because the sun has lost its warmth.  This is not a fog brought in by little cat feet.  It is a fog that bubbles up from within, pouring from your eyes, ears, and nose and tainting those senses as it goes. It is the voice of the ego made whole and it resonates through everything you do, see, smell, touch, hear. 

For years I was in it thrall, a subject of a Stockholm Syndrome.  So deep was I that I didn’t know any different.  I thought that hole was all the world.

For me, now, the fog lasts a day or maybe four.  It locks me inside my head with a promise to keep me warm from the cold dampness outside. What it has never told me, but what I have begun to realize, is that the very thing it promises to protect me from is the very thing it brings with it.

But I see that now.  I know it to be true.

And when I feel the familiar cold and find that I can’t open my eyes enough to find light, I turn inside and there he is.  Ego.  Smiling like an old friend through soulless eyes he reaches out a cold, long fingered hand and beckons me back to the hole.  But I say “no”.  I reject him. 
I hear his words, I listen to his pleas and I say “no”.  I reject him.

I admit that I am not strong enough yet to be completely immune to his sugared, poisoned words, but I am strong enough that I know them to be lies and that is stronger than I ever was.

So now, after that day or maybe four, I push away the fog and watch it turn in to a cloud in a beautiful, sunny sky.  Ego goes back to whence he came with a promise to return.  I let him know that he is welcome like an old friend.  Now he looks amused and somewhat confused.  He is not used to compassion.  Ego is a part of me and when I bring love to myself I am able to see the light in all my many faces, even that one.  Even better, I am able to see love in the faces of people around me.

That Jerk, Ego

It has been quite some time since I have written here.  That is good because I tend to write here when I am in a quandary.  Lack of posts means lack of quandaries.  It means that I am generally happy and am not confused at the moment.
So, I will post this little tidbit since it is swimming in my mind.


I have a tendency to see a beautiful woman and then want her.
I know, strange behavior for a man. 
My issue is that this draw can seem almost overwhelming and I will feel guilty for that lust.  And lust is what it is.  The guilt is present because I love my girlfriend and she is really pretty kick ass.  I would never want to hurt her and to be honest, I don't act on my feelings for random hot chicks.  I just look and wonder what they might look like naked.  I feel badly when I will think about that woman beyond just the initial first glance.  I worry that I would act if that woman were to approach me and initiate something. 

It has happened before.
It wasn't a good thing.

It makes me wonder about my will power and my drive towards the pull of lust.  Then I remember that all of that stuff is Ego stepping in.  Ego is that voice telling you that you want more.  Ego is the force that pushes you in the direction of harmful action. Ego is telling me that I want to fuck this chick or that regardless of who might get hurt.  It wants me to have more and more and more.
Ego is a dick.

I suppose this recognition is a really good thing and that the the learning experience is the presentation of these women.  Ego is the reason that I place so much value in the attention of women and in the acquisition of them physically.
Now that I have recognized it, I need to let it go.  That is a challenge.  

Biking Through Storms

It is amazing to think how we change.  Life is constantly evolving and moving and we are moving with it moment to moment.  How often, though, do we really notice all the stuff around us as it is happening?  How often do we see ourselves changing?  I have a tattoo, somewhat recent, that reads "this is water".  The story goes that two fish are swimming along and an older fish swims past, stops and nods and smiles and says, "Hey boys.  How's the water?"  The fish part ways and swim along.  The two younger fish stop after a bit and one says to the other, "What the hell is water?"  I stole, or borrowed depending on how liberally you look at it, from David Foster Wallace.
Everyday, all around us, life is happening.  We are growing and feeling and eating and breathing and loving and smiling and laughing and living, and we forget this.  As a society, I notice a lot of us only seeing the sad things and focusing on them.  I do it.  I think we all do.  We glance at the smile we get at the store, or the person holding a door for us, or the hug from a friend who loves us, or the supporting hands that help us everyday.  We only glance and move on.  Then we turn and stare at the love lost, how we don't have any money, the way we aren't what we thought we would be.  These are the photos in our mind.  The pictures of good times sit in albums tucked away in a closet. 
Perhaps we focus on the bad times, the storms in our lives, because they have the biggest impact on us.  They change us the most drastically in a short period of time.  I know that a few years ago (it is amazing that is how long ago it was) I was in a place I would never wish on anyone.  It was impossible to think of how life was outside of that darkness.  But I survived it and have grown and changed and matured. 
I am doing things I might not have ever done.  I am stronger in some ways, weaker in others, but I am changed. 
The good times don't alter us in the same way.  Those times change us slowly and are more like a gentle polish that makes us brighter.  A rock can be carved away by a raging rapid but made smooth by a flowing stream.  Perhaps the rapids come along when life grows tired of gently tugging us along, because like rocks we can be stubborn.  The storms, the raging rivers, are the unsubtle ways of getting us somewhere.  I am not a huge believer in fate and perhaps I am only trying to make sense of something that is hard to understand, but I believe that paths are presented to us and sometimes we dilly-dally a bit too long deciding which way to go instead of just living in the moment and taking the steps in one direction or another.  Eventually something has to happen. 
Einstein said that life is like riding a bicycle.  You have to keep moving to maintain a balance.  I think it would be good to ride life like that, the wind in your face, the ground below you a blur of grass and stone, and a focus on what is around us right now so we can see the rocks in the road and keep moving with joyous intensity.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

—	Haruki Murakami

Fearing in Love

I find myself falling in love. 
This is not too rare for me since I tend to fall in face first whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time, and when I love, I love deeply.  Feeling this way is causing a small amount of anxiety, which I think I fairly typical for a lot of people.  There is a fear of rejection or even a fear of acceptance.  Admitting to love brings with it the fear of what happens if things go south because the pain of a relationship ending when you were in love is so much deeper. (Note: the original sentence had "when" instead of "if".  Cynical?)
Suffice it to say, I have not made my declaration yet.  Fear holds me back.  I think the largest part of the fear is that saying it makes it real and makes the relationship something more than just a passing fancy.  I don't want a relationship that has an expiration date, so it would make sense that making it real would be a good thing for me.  Then there is the fear that saying it could lead to it ending.  What if she does not return the sentiment?  What then?  What do I do?  I don't know if I am that guy that can say "I love you, but you don't have to say it back."  Then I find myself asking, do I need her to say it back?  Shouldn't love be given freely and without expectation of a return?  Yes it should.  My reservation in this area comes from my aforementioned desire to have a relationship that is long term.  I don't need her to say it back, but in my mind this brings up the question of her intention with me and my heart. 

It is impossible to think that I am the only person that gets this anxiety in this situation.  Love is scary because it holds a risk of the heart.  When we are young, it is so much easier because we haven't felt the pain of the loss that can come from being in love.  When we are young, love sets us free like running wild through a sunny field.  With experience, love sets us free like a balloon is free.  There is always a string attached to some fear.  That fear can lead some to try and control the love or hold it back.  It becomes harder to cut the string and to just love as we experience pain that we associate with that love. It takes an enlightened mind to let the balloon soar free.
I guess I still have some work to do in that area.

For now, just loving is my aim.  Waiting for myself to get to that point is what holds me back from saying it.  Then I wonder how I would feel if she were not around tomorrow and I hadn't told her how I feel.  If I am to treat people as if today were the last time I would see them, shouldn't I tell her?  Then I think that telling her under that train of thought is still a declaration made out of fear. 
I guess what I really want is to be sure but I think what I am really doing is just over thinking. 

I have moments with her where it almost flows out of me uncontrollably.  But the ego pulls it back and questions it.  The ego is kind of a dick that way, but I know that it is just a way for me to protect myself. 

I do believe that I will say it.  I know that I do not say those words lightly, ever, so it will mean a lot.  I also know that it is important to allow love to be light and joyful.  It is an amazing thing and since I have begun to let the pain of past things go, I will let go of the pain that loss of love has brought. 
For all I know, this love could be awesome.

"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."

Thich Nhat Hanh

Subliminal Mad Man

There are mornings I wake up and can hear that negative voice in my head right away.  When he is there, I know that it will be a struggle to keep myself in a good space.  If I let that negativity win, it will be days before I am out of the hole that I will dig.  But I know that I have a choice. 
On those mornings when I wake up and he is there, whispering to me bits of advice or hints of insight into the workings of others who are out to get me, I can choose to listen and accept.  If I choose this path, I feel strong because I am able to know what others are thinking.  I am able to protect myself from the evil inclinations of everyone around me.  I have myself to protect myself and I can cut the rest of the world off so that they can't get to me.  Then I begin to feel alone.  I lose myself in the swirl of thoughts that run a rampant circle around my mind.  The sky goes dark, the storm opens up and I am buried.  Depression is my name. 
Days will pass until I can see a hint of something good.  Then I struggle to drag myself out of the hole that I am buried in.  I will spend the next few days just trying to feel happy again, only to wake one morning to the same choice.
I choose not to blindly accept the rantings of that mad man, I know that I will have a struggle that day, but it will be a struggle for something great.  Because I had chosen to listen to that voice for so long, his words are powerful and shake my foundling foundation with reverberating negativity.  The clouds threaten outside my windows, but I am safely inside.  The louder claps of thunder scare me as they shake the walls, threatening the integrity.  But I am safely inside.  When a leak starts, I plug the hole.  If the wind blows open a door, I close it.  Then I sit and breathe and wait out the storm.  By not succumbing to the negativity of the storm, I learn from it.  I learn what needs to be tied down and secured and what will cause the house to shake the hardest.  I learn what I need to do to keep that storm at bay.  I learn to live right Now.

I choose this path today.

I have grown tired of feeling the anxiety and depression that comes around once a week, it seems, and tries to get in.  I choose to stop creating problems that do not exist.  I choose to be positive and unaffected by the rantings of a subliminal mad man.  If I am being honest, I know that I will hear his voice.  I can either listen and believe or not.
I have read that it is best to stay positive when this kind of thing happens.  Don't ignore it, make friends with it.  Laugh when the voice tells you all is doomed and you don't deserve to be happy.  We are not the voice in our heads. 
I know that today will be a struggle for me.  I will have to try to stay above the water and keep positive and smiling.  Today, my smile will be the source of my joy so that tomorrow my joy can be the source of my smile.


“When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical. You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of the Now. If you create no more pain for yourself, then you create no more pain for others. You also no longer contaminate the beautiful Earth, your inner space, and the collective human psyche with the negativity of problem-making.”

—	Eckhart Tolle