You think you know yourself till you meet that one person.
It is a crazy thing when you meet that person that can drive you to the brink.
For me, that person was supposed to be this amazing love. I have never been as high as I was when I was with her and that high drove me to do things that I don't think I ever imagined me doing. I took rash actions and made some mistakes and alienated the people that really love me. I was in this state of ignorant bliss. I saw only the sunshine and paid no heed to the storm that was brewing on the horizon. Everyone else was handing me umbrellas and telling me to get somewhere safe for a while, to wait out the storm. But, like the stubborn asshole that I am, I didn't listen. I didn't pay attention to the advice or the wisdom of people who cared for me....for me. They didn't have any other agenda or ties to the situation. They just wanted me to be safe and to stop and think for a minute.
I wish I had listened.
And I am glad I didn't.
It is in those times when a person can learn a lot about themselves....hard things.
I learned I am a selfish man. I am more stubborn than I thought I was. I love quickly, trust easily....too easily. I truly love slowly. I have a hard time letting anyone in, because I am afraid of being hurt and I am afraid of being disappointing. I learned that I need to slow down. I need to lighten up. I need to actually live in the moment, like I thought I had been doing all along. I hadn't. I had been living in the past and in the future. I learned that I am not an Aries and that is not an excuse for anything. I am just me. I can't blame that on the stars or anyone else. I am the master of my mistakes and the place that I am in and the hurt that I am feeling is the direct result of my actions. I am accountable. I am a liar. I am a cheat.
Those are hard things to see about yourself.
I also learned that, although all of that stuff may be true, now that I see it I can make changes. It's all about what I do now.
Sometimes I am lonely. But that is okay. I am learning to be by myself.
Sometimes I still make mistakes. But that is okay. I can learn from them.
That person that drives me to the brink still comes around. She is not what I thought she would be. My dreams of the perfect woman for me, the woman that would set me free and save me from myself is a driving force behind me learning all of the things that I learned. She drove me to dark places, and I gladly accepted the ride. I don't blame her. I am responsible for my life and my decisions. I also can't forget the role she played. I am better in myself now.
She used to send me into a funk that would last for days. Now, they last for minutes. She used to flip out on me and I would be depressed and suicidal. Now, I shrug it off. I move on.
She came around tonight. She wants something that I don't want and I think that makes her mad. She tries to reason with me about why I should want it. She doesn't respect that I don't want it. I am at a point where I am getting a grip on the things that are good for me and the things that aren't. She thinks I am still just lost. She calls me immature and I am in a lot of things. In this decision, though, I feel that I am actually making a mature choice. That is why I am so pissed that she can't respect it.
She said she wants to be my friend.
I have friends. They care about me and if I tell them that I am doing something that I need to do, whether they agree with it or not, they back it up. She doesn't. I am actually fine with it.
This feeling, this being fine with it, shows me that I have learned something. I am getting somewhere. I have grown.
Me rejecting her is not the ego trip she accuses me of taking. I take no pleasure in it. I do, however, like the fact that I am able to see something that is good for me and to go for it. It may be a small thing, but it is something. It is a start.
I have found a new voice. My gut. I am learning to listen to it. I don't always pay it heed, but I am getting there. I can recognize the voice. I listen to it in choir with my heart and my head. Even though they tend to lean toward dissonance, sometimes they find a harmony. It is in those times I know I am making a right choice. Life throws open doors. We can walk in or walk on. Our choice, only ours. No one else can force the door.
In the past year I have been to some dark places. It is mostly a blur. I am coming out now. I feel better. I am beginning to hold on to the beautiful seeds in my life. I hope to grow more, but they are rare. This rarity makes them worth it and it makes them priceless. I won't go back to where I was, but I won't forget it. I won't go back to her, but I won't forget her. For all the shit I was drowning in, she had an impact on me. It was positive and negative, but it is mine now. I have learned and grown from being forced to the edge.
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