Self-Indulgent Anger

I have never been good with anger.
It has always been an ugly black feeling that never seems justified, though I suppose there are times when I should have been angry and wasn't.  Anger is said to be healthy, but I have always felt bad about being angry with someone, like they wouldn't like me or would be disappointed in me if I were angry at them.  Thanks to this unhealthy view of my own natural emotion, it has been shoved down into the depths time and again.  Unfortunately for anyone who has ever pushed my buttons to the point of explosion, this means that when I do get angry it comes with a mushroom cloud.  Thankfully, most people know that when I say "hey, this is pissing me off" they should stop and they do.  I wonder, though, if I am the only one who feels the fall out.

The guilt that follows the anger is deep and drowning.  The last time I lost my temper to the point of screaming and red face left me curled on the floor sobbing.  That was a time when my anger was justified, albeit a bit extreme.  I don't know that anyone deserves to be screamed at, and I felt horrible.  At the same time, the other voice chimed in with "how many times do you poke the dog before you get bitten?"
Losing control like that has happened twice.  I pray it won't happen again and have begun working on ways to keep it from happening, like dealing with things now instead of later.  Temper explosions are like grenades filled with the shrapnel of everything unsaid.  In order to keep the collateral down, it is important to keep the ammunition to a minimum.  The craziest thing for me to think about is how many years of stuffing have been involved in this anger that stews inside me?  It is possible I had decades of unresolved emotions swirling in the abyss within me.

I don't get angry often, and I don't mean I control it well or ignore it.  I mean that most things just don't bother me all that much.  I told a friend that I had lost my temper before and I described what happened.  She was shocked.  It was hard to believe that this laid back dude would be capable of that.  So, to think about how long I must have been stuffing things down is kind of mental.
I am not trying to condone going off on everyone that pisses you off, but it is important to deal with things.  It is also important to look at the anger itself.  Buddhism teaches that anger comes from within, not from without.  When we get angry it comes from our unresolved fears or a damaged ego.  It is important to look at the anger and at yourself.  This can be very difficult.  The chance of finding something we don't want to see is scary.  But not looking at it doesn't make it go away and the longer it is there the more damage it can do.
The last time I blew up, I was afraid.  I was afraid I would never get out of the hole I had crawled into.  I was afraid that I would continue to allow this person to push me to places I didn't want to go, the places that had left me suicidal.  The places where I couldn't sleep in a bed by myself.  The places where I was punching walls and drinking to wash down the pills I was using to escape the things I was doing.  I was scared of those things.  I had allowed myself to continue to jump in front of this train time and time again.  I was weak.  I was hurting and I could see what I needed to get better.  I needed to be away from this person.  I blew up because I was afraid I wouldn't get there.
I was angry because I knew that I had allowed myself to get to this place.  There had been plenty of stops along the way where I could have gotten off and taken care of myself.  I chose not to.  Was I vulnerable?  Yes, but it was still my choice.  Sometimes I like to blame her even though I know that I am the only one who can control me.  I lost my temper when it all became too much and the fear and frustration boiled to the surface in a miasma of pain and frustration.
I was mad at her, sure.  But I was mostly mad at myself.

As I write this down I can feel some of the stress relax from my shoulders and neck.  My jaw loosens, slightly.  I have a lot of unresolved issues sitting inside me.  I am trying to look at them and deal with them.  It is a strange, revealing adventure and I have learned a few things.  Even anger requires some exploration and it is just as fascinating as looking at love or depression.

“Conquer anger by non-anger. Conquer evil by good. Conquer miserliness by liberality. Conquer a liar by truthfulness.” (Dhammapada, v. 233)