As much as I have grown, there are bad habits that won't go away.
I still struggle with shoving emotions down to deal with later, and though this is great at the time I am finding that the emotions won't stay hidden for as long as they would have in the past. My Pandora's box has been opened and all of my demons are screaming from it's depths. They tend to show up at the most inopportune moments.
For example, with a lady this weekend.
What was fun-aggressive turned to a mix of negative emotions as I sat in my breath and sweat. My thoughts reeled and I couldn't catch my breath and I couldn't hide my confusion. Because she is who she is, she was kind and understanding and supportive. It was what I needed at that time. I wasn't ready to talk about everything I was feeling and she was okay with it.
There is anger crouching over my shoulder. I am not good with my anger. This fact gives it power. Instead of letting it out, I tend to rationalize it. As civilized as this seems, it does me no good. When I think of unleashing it I wonder how effective it would be when I couldn't even tell the person with which I am angry. It would do no good. It would be spitting in the wind. On top of that, what good would it do to yell at the other people I am angry with? I can't yell at myself without seeming insane or pulling off a fight club moment in some parking lot. I can't blow up at my father. I can't scream at the universe.
I could, actually, but what good does it do?
So I write about it in hopes that the "page" will take these emotions and turn them into something else. This is a first step to talking about it. I did talk about it and in doing so I took some of its power away.
The power of words.
I have lost the train for this post. I think that dealing with some of these latent emotions is like digging up an old treasure. I find a few coins, but most of it is still hidden and reveals itself in time.
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