I met a woman last night who is interested in finding someone to collaborate with musically. She has experience as a musician and I am a little intimidated. She and I share some common ground with bands and musicians that we like, which is good. It means we may have somewhere to start. But I struggle with fear, as I often do, of rejection. In this case, it is not personal rejection that I am thinking of. I worry that I will not be able to meet her level of skill and the expectations that she might place on the experience. There is also an inkling of fear that this will be another moment in time where I will have tried to start something with music and it won't work out. I am placing expectations on the meeting, which is a self-defense mechanism I seem to have perfected. I am prepping for the worst so that when it happens, the impact will be lessened. I am making assumptions. I am basically falling back on old, bad habits that I have been fighting to get away from. Battles with fear and worry and placing expectations lead to a slippery slope into a scary and pointless abyss.
I also wonder if her cuteness is an issue (she has a Lisa Loeb kind of thing going on). Knowing me, it is. I have been doing well and I don't want to lose that. And there I go again being all scared of nothing.
I want to get around all of this.
I don't want my fears and worries to get in my way.
I don't want me to get in my way.
I love music. I have begun to really embrace it as on of the things in my life that I am truly passionate about. I think it may be the best relationship in my life. When I need it, it is there. When I want some time away, it leaves me alone but I know that it is not too far away. It never makes me feel guilty. It never beats me down or makes me feel like I am less than I am. It always has the right things to say to bring me up, to boost me up, to pick me up, to settle me down, to support me, to tell me I am being an idiot. It lets me pour out my heart and makes no judgements and I know that it will never tell anyone my secrets. It fits my moods. It brings me out of bad moods. It has never let me down. I have never let it down.....unless I don't try to make it now.
I am going to call this woman and I am going to play for her and with her, at least once.
I have butterflies. I have fear and I feel like such a pussy saying it and realizing that it is affecting me as much as it is. My love for music makes me extremely vulnerable to it. Anything that I have really loved has had this effect on me. Maybe that is why I am skittish in this case. Love has taken me to some very dark places in the past few years. I am a beaten dog warily approaching a new person. I have made the conscious decision to stay away from women for a while because I am that way.
I have a really hard time not letting my heart do the driving and if I find that I like this girl I will want to take it farther and that is when bad stuff happens (I realize how that sounds. Cynical much?). I know that I will have the challenge of just chilling the fuck out with her and keeping things at a superficial level. I will struggle with keeping myself from wondering if she is the woman of my dreams and just enjoying the music, at first.
I have been doing well at keeping myself in the moment, enjoying the things that are happening while they are happening and staying mindful. This could be a challenge for me to maintain that. Not only is it an opportunity to play with someone, but to practice happiness. Yes I am afraid of a number of things, but life can be short and I have to do this.
I am talking myself into it.
I am living a sheltered kind of life right now, which is not bad unless it becomes a method for coping with life. Maybe getting out and taking the risk will be good. Maybe it will be bad. I won't know until it happens.
I need to suck it up and just do it, see what happens and go from there. Opportunities worth something are scary, right?
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do
something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable,
then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying
whatsoever.”
Dalai Lama XIV
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Decades of Knowledge
I have come to the conclusion, which has probably been evident to everyone else, that I don't know shit. Every time that I think I have something nailed down, it springs back in my face and smacks a little bit of stupid out of me.
Once again, I will state that I don't know shit. That being said, I will continue on with a few tidbits that I believe to be true.
I had an interesting discussion with a good friend a few months back that I have been brewing in the back of my mind. We tossed around the theory that with each decade of life our view of what we know alters a bit, starting in the 20's.
I recall some of my time in my 20's and find it to be fairly evident that I knew everything there was to know; even more so than I did when I was a teenager. This time around, I had a college education to lean on when I would spout off my conclusions about people and life and the world. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I knew everything I needed to know and knew that I would learn all the rest as the next few years passed by. I am unsure (which is a statement that is becoming more prevalent) if believing I so omnipotent came from simply being young and full of piss and vinegar and drive and naivete or if I felt like I should know everything because all adults know everything. Right?
As a kid, all I knew was pretty basic stuff. But I knew that whatever I didn't know could be answered by a grown up. I remember asking my dad how far the eye could see. He had to know because he was an adult. I wonder if something in my subconscious grabbed on to this nugget and held it as a truth. As I got older and experienced things, my wisdom and ego began to grow with each discovery. The crazy thing is, each time I thought I knew something, something would come around and show me another side of things. I would hastily erase the mental blackboard and change what I knew to this new thing. And this was a constant; absolutes. What I learned was the truth of it. It was all so black and white.
Writing that down reminds of a text conversation a few nights back with a friend, Red, who is in her early 20's. She has discovered that not everything is absolute. Her texts that followed were flavored with the fear, I think, that comes with this discovery. She is the type of person who likes to be right and who is able to move forward all the time because her course of action is "right". I wish I could have lived, and even could live now, in that way. I wish my mind worked like that. But it doesn't. I believe, now, that nothing is but what it is.
That makes no sense, except in my head. I think I will be able to clear it up as I go on.
To get back to absolutes, nothing is. It is a scary thing to learn. What you thought was right and good is not always as right and good as you thought it was. I was raised on the ten commandments and the word of the bible. When I had my breakup with Christianity, I had my first taste of living in the gray. Red had this same discovery. It takes years for it to work its way through the dogma that has been built up for most of your life and during that time you learn more and more of what you don't know. Then you hit your 30's.
In my discussion with my good friend, we came up with the hypothesis that the 30's is that time when you figure out that you don't know shit. This is not an absolute; there are probably people who are well into the 30 somethings and still know everything (or at least believe they do). I don't. This past couple of years has shown me that. I know more now than I did before. Tomorrow, I will know more still, but I won't know everything. I won't be even close. One thing I have learned is that I can answer the basic questions a child might have. If I had a son, he would think I knew it all just as I thought my dad did. I think about what my father might have been thinking when I asked him that question. He didn't know how far the eye can see, not really. He was probably as lost and ignorant about life as I am now.
I have been struggling with the idea that my parents have never had all the answers, that no one's parents have ever had all the answers. As a kid, grown ups knew about life and everything in it. As a grown up I can see that we are all lost and wandering around with only the compass of our experience to guide us. I might be able to spout off some factoids now and again, which my mother has always been good at, but when it comes to life, I don't know shit.
My friend is in his 40's. He said that he believes that when you hit that benchmark you begin to see that you might know more than you thought you did. What you have gained that separates your new found "know-it-all" with what you thought you knew 20 years ago is humility. You know what you know, and it is a lot, but you know that you still have so much to learn and the answers that you do have are "your" answers. They might not be the answers for everyone else. I think this is called wisdom.
One thing I have learned is that no one knows everything. No one has all of the answers. This may be the only absolute that I will hold on to. I wonder what my 50's and 60's will hold.
Once again, I will state that I don't know shit. That being said, I will continue on with a few tidbits that I believe to be true.
I had an interesting discussion with a good friend a few months back that I have been brewing in the back of my mind. We tossed around the theory that with each decade of life our view of what we know alters a bit, starting in the 20's.
I recall some of my time in my 20's and find it to be fairly evident that I knew everything there was to know; even more so than I did when I was a teenager. This time around, I had a college education to lean on when I would spout off my conclusions about people and life and the world. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. I knew everything I needed to know and knew that I would learn all the rest as the next few years passed by. I am unsure (which is a statement that is becoming more prevalent) if believing I so omnipotent came from simply being young and full of piss and vinegar and drive and naivete or if I felt like I should know everything because all adults know everything. Right?
As a kid, all I knew was pretty basic stuff. But I knew that whatever I didn't know could be answered by a grown up. I remember asking my dad how far the eye could see. He had to know because he was an adult. I wonder if something in my subconscious grabbed on to this nugget and held it as a truth. As I got older and experienced things, my wisdom and ego began to grow with each discovery. The crazy thing is, each time I thought I knew something, something would come around and show me another side of things. I would hastily erase the mental blackboard and change what I knew to this new thing. And this was a constant; absolutes. What I learned was the truth of it. It was all so black and white.
Writing that down reminds of a text conversation a few nights back with a friend, Red, who is in her early 20's. She has discovered that not everything is absolute. Her texts that followed were flavored with the fear, I think, that comes with this discovery. She is the type of person who likes to be right and who is able to move forward all the time because her course of action is "right". I wish I could have lived, and even could live now, in that way. I wish my mind worked like that. But it doesn't. I believe, now, that nothing is but what it is.
That makes no sense, except in my head. I think I will be able to clear it up as I go on.
To get back to absolutes, nothing is. It is a scary thing to learn. What you thought was right and good is not always as right and good as you thought it was. I was raised on the ten commandments and the word of the bible. When I had my breakup with Christianity, I had my first taste of living in the gray. Red had this same discovery. It takes years for it to work its way through the dogma that has been built up for most of your life and during that time you learn more and more of what you don't know. Then you hit your 30's.
In my discussion with my good friend, we came up with the hypothesis that the 30's is that time when you figure out that you don't know shit. This is not an absolute; there are probably people who are well into the 30 somethings and still know everything (or at least believe they do). I don't. This past couple of years has shown me that. I know more now than I did before. Tomorrow, I will know more still, but I won't know everything. I won't be even close. One thing I have learned is that I can answer the basic questions a child might have. If I had a son, he would think I knew it all just as I thought my dad did. I think about what my father might have been thinking when I asked him that question. He didn't know how far the eye can see, not really. He was probably as lost and ignorant about life as I am now.
I have been struggling with the idea that my parents have never had all the answers, that no one's parents have ever had all the answers. As a kid, grown ups knew about life and everything in it. As a grown up I can see that we are all lost and wandering around with only the compass of our experience to guide us. I might be able to spout off some factoids now and again, which my mother has always been good at, but when it comes to life, I don't know shit.
My friend is in his 40's. He said that he believes that when you hit that benchmark you begin to see that you might know more than you thought you did. What you have gained that separates your new found "know-it-all" with what you thought you knew 20 years ago is humility. You know what you know, and it is a lot, but you know that you still have so much to learn and the answers that you do have are "your" answers. They might not be the answers for everyone else. I think this is called wisdom.
One thing I have learned is that no one knows everything. No one has all of the answers. This may be the only absolute that I will hold on to. I wonder what my 50's and 60's will hold.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Man, Seeking Validation
I am an introvert.
My tendency to think before I speak, my need for "alone time", my lack of need to talk about everything all point in that direction. I find this interesting because a great deal of what I do I do for the approval of other people. I am trying to change and to do things for me without needing to seek out the nodding smile of acknowledgement from someone else.
Yesterday, I helped some girl whose car had broken down and she needed gas and directions. I haven't told anyone and even in writing this I feel like I am betraying my newly found need to avoid validation for my actions. After she drove off, my mind began it's perusal of why I did what I did and why I wasn't going to tell anyone.
Now I am curious about a couple of things.
One: why the need for acceptance?
Two: why the need to steer away from it?
I hate to admit this, because it feels cliche and boring, but I think a lot of it has to do with my father leaving and a lack of male acceptance as I was growing up. The people I seek approval from are varied, but the approval that means the most is that of men. I remember sitting with Red (that is the last woman I was dating) and her family at a dinner and listening to her dad tell stories and chatting with him. I felt drawn to seek his approval. The approval of a woman's father is important to all men, I think, but I wasn't so much concerned with his approval of me in terms of being with her. When he said he liked a Brett Dennen song that I am a huge fan of, I was elated. It is kind of ridiculous.
When she and I ended the relationship, at least in its status at the time, I was crushed by the loss of her but also by the thought that I had disappointed her dad. I also seem to feel particularly ashamed when I know that my step father might not agree with something that I do. I tend to hide the full effect of knowing he is pleased when I show him something on guitar and he is impressed, but it is there. When my own father tells me he is proud of me, it rings loudly.
The lack of a father's presence has had a pronounced effect on me and my psyche. I wonder if it has led me to seek out the approval of men by doing things that guys find impressive. I wonder if I really do seek out validation from father figures in particular. At the same time that I can see that I do have a need for that approval, I know that only women are able to affect me on a deeply emotional level. Maybe this comes from being raised largely by my mother. Then again, that can be drawn back to my father leaving and me not having any major male role models.
There is nothing abnormal, I believe, with seeking the acceptance from the "father figure(s)". My guess would be that all boys do it as they grow and all men still do it even as their sons are seeking their own "good job". It is a dynamic of being male. It is a dynamic that I seek.
But I don't only try to impress that one group of people. I am not that selective.
Like I said, women are able to affect me in very powerful ways. I think, however, that while I try and gain the approval of males, I try to get validation from females. I want to feel like the things I do are impressive to women so that I can feel like they are worthwhile. The odd thing is, when I date a woman I am hoping that by being with that woman I am impressing other women. Maybe it isn't all that odd. I am showcasing my virility and ability to be what women want by being wanted by lots of women. That in turn validates what I am doing making me want to do it more. That validation has become a drug. It has gotten to the point that I am grasping for as much as I can get from as many women as I can get it from. It's like I am still a primate trying to win mating rights with the most females. I think this is why I have spent a bit of time dating one girl and then the next over the past year. I have been trying to validate some of my choices as well as show that I am still attractive despite them.
Doing so has been a double-edged sword. I end up hurting people and coming off as a bit of an ass in the end which is less attractive, I think. My need for the rush of feminine attention has driven me to do a lot of the stupid things I have done. I am unbalanced when I want it and only fulfilled in the short term when I get it. The most frustrating thing (for me and for any woman I have been with) is that I am seldom satisfied with receiving from only one woman. I don't know why.
One guess is that I am lacking in self confidence to the point that I have learned to get it from a wink and a touch from a pretty girl. If a pretty girl thinks I am worth something, then I feel like I am worth something. It would then make sense that if a lot of pretty girls thought I was attractive then I would be worth so much more. But self esteem has to be deeper than that, I think, to actually have any value. I think this because I look at where I am now. I am not as happy as I could be. I have given so much power over to the opposite sex that I haven't kept any for myself. I have gotten so high on estrogen acceptance that I don't know how to be confident without it.
That is why I haven't told anyone about helping that person. I don't want to do things for the approval of someone else. I want to do things because I like them and I approve of them. I don't want to impress a woman to feel good about myself. I don't want to seek out the approval of men to believe that I am doing well. I want to impress myself and have confidence in that. This is my struggle.
I suppose a good stepping stone is that I have made friends with some very solid people. These are people that I strive to be like and that I believe everyone should try to emulate. Maybe I am not all that bad. I struggle with this idea, too. I am working on forgiving myself for things I have done. I am also working on getting past the worthlessness that was impressed upon me. Getting past the effect of the outside world is the way to finding a sense of value in myself. Maybe by doing things and not seeking praise or attention for them is the way to do this.
We are already perfect, we just can't see it. It's like a cloudy sky. The sky has not changed color or beauty, we just can't see it for all of the clouds.
- Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (more or less, this is far from a direct quote)
My tendency to think before I speak, my need for "alone time", my lack of need to talk about everything all point in that direction. I find this interesting because a great deal of what I do I do for the approval of other people. I am trying to change and to do things for me without needing to seek out the nodding smile of acknowledgement from someone else.
Yesterday, I helped some girl whose car had broken down and she needed gas and directions. I haven't told anyone and even in writing this I feel like I am betraying my newly found need to avoid validation for my actions. After she drove off, my mind began it's perusal of why I did what I did and why I wasn't going to tell anyone.
Now I am curious about a couple of things.
One: why the need for acceptance?
Two: why the need to steer away from it?
I hate to admit this, because it feels cliche and boring, but I think a lot of it has to do with my father leaving and a lack of male acceptance as I was growing up. The people I seek approval from are varied, but the approval that means the most is that of men. I remember sitting with Red (that is the last woman I was dating) and her family at a dinner and listening to her dad tell stories and chatting with him. I felt drawn to seek his approval. The approval of a woman's father is important to all men, I think, but I wasn't so much concerned with his approval of me in terms of being with her. When he said he liked a Brett Dennen song that I am a huge fan of, I was elated. It is kind of ridiculous.
When she and I ended the relationship, at least in its status at the time, I was crushed by the loss of her but also by the thought that I had disappointed her dad. I also seem to feel particularly ashamed when I know that my step father might not agree with something that I do. I tend to hide the full effect of knowing he is pleased when I show him something on guitar and he is impressed, but it is there. When my own father tells me he is proud of me, it rings loudly.
The lack of a father's presence has had a pronounced effect on me and my psyche. I wonder if it has led me to seek out the approval of men by doing things that guys find impressive. I wonder if I really do seek out validation from father figures in particular. At the same time that I can see that I do have a need for that approval, I know that only women are able to affect me on a deeply emotional level. Maybe this comes from being raised largely by my mother. Then again, that can be drawn back to my father leaving and me not having any major male role models.
There is nothing abnormal, I believe, with seeking the acceptance from the "father figure(s)". My guess would be that all boys do it as they grow and all men still do it even as their sons are seeking their own "good job". It is a dynamic of being male. It is a dynamic that I seek.
But I don't only try to impress that one group of people. I am not that selective.
Like I said, women are able to affect me in very powerful ways. I think, however, that while I try and gain the approval of males, I try to get validation from females. I want to feel like the things I do are impressive to women so that I can feel like they are worthwhile. The odd thing is, when I date a woman I am hoping that by being with that woman I am impressing other women. Maybe it isn't all that odd. I am showcasing my virility and ability to be what women want by being wanted by lots of women. That in turn validates what I am doing making me want to do it more. That validation has become a drug. It has gotten to the point that I am grasping for as much as I can get from as many women as I can get it from. It's like I am still a primate trying to win mating rights with the most females. I think this is why I have spent a bit of time dating one girl and then the next over the past year. I have been trying to validate some of my choices as well as show that I am still attractive despite them.
Doing so has been a double-edged sword. I end up hurting people and coming off as a bit of an ass in the end which is less attractive, I think. My need for the rush of feminine attention has driven me to do a lot of the stupid things I have done. I am unbalanced when I want it and only fulfilled in the short term when I get it. The most frustrating thing (for me and for any woman I have been with) is that I am seldom satisfied with receiving from only one woman. I don't know why.
One guess is that I am lacking in self confidence to the point that I have learned to get it from a wink and a touch from a pretty girl. If a pretty girl thinks I am worth something, then I feel like I am worth something. It would then make sense that if a lot of pretty girls thought I was attractive then I would be worth so much more. But self esteem has to be deeper than that, I think, to actually have any value. I think this because I look at where I am now. I am not as happy as I could be. I have given so much power over to the opposite sex that I haven't kept any for myself. I have gotten so high on estrogen acceptance that I don't know how to be confident without it.
That is why I haven't told anyone about helping that person. I don't want to do things for the approval of someone else. I want to do things because I like them and I approve of them. I don't want to impress a woman to feel good about myself. I don't want to seek out the approval of men to believe that I am doing well. I want to impress myself and have confidence in that. This is my struggle.
I suppose a good stepping stone is that I have made friends with some very solid people. These are people that I strive to be like and that I believe everyone should try to emulate. Maybe I am not all that bad. I struggle with this idea, too. I am working on forgiving myself for things I have done. I am also working on getting past the worthlessness that was impressed upon me. Getting past the effect of the outside world is the way to finding a sense of value in myself. Maybe by doing things and not seeking praise or attention for them is the way to do this.
We are already perfect, we just can't see it. It's like a cloudy sky. The sky has not changed color or beauty, we just can't see it for all of the clouds.
- Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (more or less, this is far from a direct quote)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)