Fearing Lisa Loeb

I met a woman last night who is interested in finding someone to collaborate with musically.  She has experience as a musician and I am a little intimidated.  She and I share some common ground with bands and musicians that we like, which is good.  It means we may have somewhere to start.  But I struggle with fear, as I often do, of rejection.  In this case, it is not personal rejection that I am thinking of.  I worry that I will not be able to meet her level of skill and the expectations that she might place on the experience.  There is also an inkling of fear that this will be another moment in time where I will have tried to start something with music and it won't work out.  I am placing expectations on the meeting, which is a self-defense mechanism I seem to have perfected.  I am prepping for the worst so that when it happens, the impact will be lessened.  I am making assumptions.  I am basically falling back on old, bad habits that I have been fighting to get away from.  Battles with fear and worry and placing expectations lead to a slippery slope into a scary and pointless abyss. 
I also wonder if her cuteness is an issue (she has a Lisa Loeb kind of thing going on).  Knowing me, it is.  I have been doing well and I don't want to lose that.  And there I go again being all scared of nothing.

I want to get around all of this.
I don't want my fears and worries to get in my way.

I don't want me to get in my way.

I love music.   I have begun to really embrace it as on of the things in my life that I am truly passionate about.  I think it may be the best relationship in my life.  When I need it, it is there.  When I want some time away, it leaves me alone but I know that it is not too far away.  It never makes me feel guilty.  It never beats me down or makes me feel like I am less than I am.  It always has the right things to say to bring me up, to boost me up, to pick me up, to settle me down, to support me, to tell me I am being an idiot.  It lets me pour out my heart and makes no judgements and I know that it will never tell anyone my secrets.  It fits my moods.  It brings me out of bad moods.  It has never let me down.  I have never let it down.....unless I don't try to make it now.

I am going to call this woman and I am going to play for her and with her, at least once. 
I have butterflies.  I have fear and I feel like such a pussy saying it and realizing that it is affecting me as much as it is.  My love for music makes me extremely vulnerable to it.  Anything that I have really loved has had this effect on me.  Maybe that is why I am skittish in this case.  Love has taken me to some very dark places in the past few years.  I am a beaten dog warily approaching a new person.  I have made the conscious decision to stay away from women for a while because I am that way. 
I have a really hard time not letting my heart do the driving and if I find that I like this girl I will want to take it farther and that is when bad stuff happens (I realize how that sounds. Cynical much?).  I know that I will have the challenge of just chilling the fuck out with her and keeping things at a superficial level.  I will struggle with keeping myself from wondering if she is the woman of my dreams and just enjoying the music, at first.

I have been doing well at keeping myself in the moment, enjoying the things that are happening while they are happening and staying mindful.  This could be a challenge for me to maintain that.  Not only is it an opportunity to play with someone, but to practice happiness.  Yes I am afraid of a number of things, but life can be short and I have to do this.
I am talking myself into it.
I am living a sheltered kind of life right now, which is not bad unless it becomes a method for coping with life.  Maybe getting out and taking the risk will be good.  Maybe it will be bad.  I won't know until it happens.
I need to suck it up and just do it, see what happens and go from there.  Opportunities worth something are scary, right?


“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” 
Dalai Lama XIV