I am an introvert.
My tendency to think before I speak, my need for "alone time", my lack of need to talk about everything all point in that direction. I find this interesting because a great deal of what I do I do for the approval of other people. I am trying to change and to do things for me without needing to seek out the nodding smile of acknowledgement from someone else.
Yesterday, I helped some girl whose car had broken down and she needed
gas and directions. I haven't told anyone and even in writing this I
feel like I am betraying my newly found need to avoid validation for my
actions. After she drove off, my mind began it's perusal of why I did
what I did and why I wasn't going to tell anyone.
Now I am curious about a couple of things.
One: why the need for acceptance?
Two: why the need to steer away from it?
I hate to admit this, because it feels cliche and boring, but I think a lot of it has to do with my father leaving and a lack of male acceptance as I was growing up. The people I seek approval from are varied, but the approval that means the most is that of men. I remember sitting with Red (that is the last woman I was dating) and her family at a dinner and listening to her dad tell stories and chatting with him. I felt drawn to seek his approval. The approval of a woman's father is important to all men, I think, but I wasn't so much concerned with his approval of me in terms of being with her. When he said he liked a Brett Dennen song that I am a huge fan of, I was elated. It is kind of ridiculous.
When she and I ended the relationship, at least in its status at the time, I was crushed by the loss of her but also by the thought that I had disappointed her dad. I also seem to feel particularly ashamed when I know that my step father might not agree with something that I do. I tend to hide the full effect of knowing he is pleased when I show him something on guitar and he is impressed, but it is there. When my own father tells me he is proud of me, it rings loudly.
The lack of a father's presence has had a pronounced effect on me and my psyche. I wonder if it has led me to seek out the approval of men by doing things that guys find impressive. I wonder if I really do seek out validation from father figures in particular. At the same time that I can see that I do have a need for that approval, I know that only women are able to affect me on a deeply emotional level. Maybe this comes from being raised largely by my mother. Then again, that can be drawn back to my father leaving and me not having any major male role models.
There is nothing abnormal, I believe, with seeking the acceptance from the "father figure(s)". My guess would be that all boys do it as they grow and all men still do it even as their sons are seeking their own "good job". It is a dynamic of being male. It is a dynamic that I seek.
But I don't only try to impress that one group of people. I am not that selective.
Like I said, women are able to affect me in very powerful ways. I think, however, that while I try and gain the approval of males, I try to get validation from females. I want to feel like the things I do are impressive to women so that I can feel like they are worthwhile. The odd thing is, when I date a woman I am hoping that by being with that woman I am impressing other women. Maybe it isn't all that odd. I am showcasing my virility and ability to be what women want by being wanted by lots of women. That in turn validates what I am doing making me want to do it more. That validation has become a drug. It has gotten to the point that I am grasping for as much as I can get from as many women as I can get it from. It's like I am still a primate trying to win mating rights with the most females. I think this is why I have spent a bit of time dating one girl and then the next over the past year. I have been trying to validate some of my choices as well as show that I am still attractive despite them.
Doing so has been a double-edged sword. I end up hurting people and coming off as a bit of an ass in the end which is less attractive, I think. My need for the rush of feminine attention has driven me to do a lot of the stupid things I have done. I am unbalanced when I want it and only fulfilled in the short term when I get it. The most frustrating thing (for me and for any woman I have been with) is that I am seldom satisfied with receiving from only one woman. I don't know why.
One guess is that I am lacking in self confidence to the point that I have learned to get it from a wink and a touch from a pretty girl. If a pretty girl thinks I am worth something, then I feel like I am worth something. It would then make sense that if a lot of pretty girls thought I was attractive then I would be worth so much more. But self esteem has to be deeper than that, I think, to actually have any value. I think this because I look at where I am now. I am not as happy as I could be. I have given so much power over to the opposite sex that I haven't kept any for myself. I have gotten so high on estrogen acceptance that I don't know how to be confident without it.
That is why I haven't told anyone about helping that person. I don't want to do things for the approval of someone else. I want to do things because I like them and I approve of them. I don't want to impress a woman to feel good about myself. I don't want to seek out the approval of men to believe that I am doing well. I want to impress myself and have confidence in that. This is my struggle.
I suppose a good stepping stone is that I have made friends with some very solid people. These are people that I strive to be like and that I believe everyone should try to emulate. Maybe I am not all that bad. I struggle with this idea, too. I am working on forgiving myself for things I have done. I am also working on getting past the worthlessness that was impressed upon me. Getting past the effect of the outside world is the way to finding a sense of value in myself. Maybe by doing things and not seeking praise or attention for them is the way to do this.
We are already perfect, we just can't see it. It's like a cloudy sky. The sky has not changed color or beauty, we just can't see it for all of the clouds.
- Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (more or less, this is far from a direct quote)
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