There are times when the crap floating in my head needs to be dumped. This is one of those times.
I love the fact that I am finding a semblance of balance in my life. Truthfully, I feel better now than I have in a long time and for a while there was a feeling of invulnerability to the shadows that haunt the back alleys of the mind. I have felt like a veritable superman with the bullets of life's issues deflecting harmlessly off of my chest thanks to my newly found ability to step back and breathe. I could leap over emotional hurdles in a single bound and have felt like I was flying over the vastness of my psyche, seeing everything from a whole new angle. And, much like Superman, I have my kryptonite.
I can't imagine that it would be a surprise to anyone, but my green stone of weakness is a woman.
I know, right? Who would have guessed?
The frustration of that statement makes me freaking crazy. It's like a damn broken record of cliche and I am shaking my fist at the sky. Why, when I find a semblance of balance, must I allow a wonderfully curvaceous woman with beautiful deep brown eyes to step on the scale and throw everything askew?
Is it because I am a straight man, damned to libidinous driven decision making for the rest of my life? Is it because I am a sad, pathetic romantic who feels shit deeply and can't help but hope for some kind of meaningful relationship with a member of the fairer sex?
Both. I think it is both.
So, what the hell is the issue this time?
I have mentioned a woman a while back that was with someone and I would have to deal with that and blah, blah, blah. Well, she is no longer with that someone. Jubilation, right?
No.
One issue lies in my tenacious ability to find an angle that will keep me emotionally safe while allowing me the freedom to pine. When she had a man, I could control my emotions, I could maintain my cool. Now that she is single, the cool is harder to hold on to. My heart wants to leap from my chest and into her arms. Stupid heart. It doesn't seem to realize that the way to get the girl is to play it cool. If you pour it all out, they tend to shy away, especially if they have just gotten out of a relationship. Right now my heart is a massive dog pulling on a leash after a bunny. If I let the dog run it might catch the rabbit (but just to play with, no blood or death), or said rabbit will freak out and be off like a shot never to be found.
When I am away from her, thoughts are controlled and feelings are containable. I can practice my breathing and meditation and detachment to look at what I am feeling. When I see her, all bets are off. What can I say? I am weak.
Another side of this story is the recognition that I am a bit lonely and she has shown interest. I also realize that it has been a while since you-know-what and she can be a sultry vixen. I see all of this and I swirl it all around in my head so that I might find all of the colors. I feel confident that it is not just hormones driving the car. They are involved, sure. Aren't they always?
But sometimes I look at her and I just want to pull her in and feel her near me. When she leans against me, things seem right. I don't know if she is just being flirtatious, or showing real interest. This is how she tortures my idiotic self. If it's a woman I just want to sleep with, no problem, but I am really dumb when it comes to women I like.
Cynical me shakes his head and knows that she doesn't want me in that way. Optimist me says very little at this point, and what he does choose to add to the conversation is said rather meekly. My head is full of this shit. This is why I have to dump it out. I can't tell the reasonable from the irrational amongst the maelstrom when it is all locked up. For that matter, I can't seem to pick the two apart after writing it down.
Just breathe. Try to focus. Remember that each moment is all I have. Remember to observe. Remember to chill the fuck out.
This situation is a little bit ridiculous. I can see that, at least.
Stupid women and their stupid....stuff. Damnit.
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