A friend posted a link on facebook about an over thinking drinking game. You do one or two shots for doing things like second guessing yourself, or wondering if the world is against you because of you or because if it. Things like that. Reading through the list of things that would cause you to down an ounce of your favorite liquor, I realized something. I would be drunk all the time.
I know, big surprise.
As I read the list I started laughing, which turned to an uncomfortable giggle, and ended in the realization that if I carried a hip flask at all times, I would spend a large portion of every day passed out in a drunken fever. The habit of "what-if" has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Surprisingly, to me anyway, it has taken me this long to begin developing the attitude of "it was right at the time". I still struggle, though, and it is a slippery slope. One misstep and I am rerunning every decision from the past month in an attempt to.....well, I have no idea what the goal is. Second guessing past decisions is as pointless as worrying about future ones. You can't do anything about it at that time. (Take shots here)
I have always been a dedicated imaginer of assumption and fantasy as well. My brain gets off on trying to figure out the motivations of people around me, or of trying to analyze the smallest and most insignificant comment made. It might not be as big of an issue if my brain went off when it was happening, but that is rarely the case. That would mean that I could ask a question or talk it out. Oh, no. It is not that convenient. It usually occurs when the house or office is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy the voices in my head. Then I start to wonder. (take shots here)
Recently, it has been the over thinking of this latest relationship endeavor. What is she thinking? Does she like me like I like her? Is she dating other people? What does she want? Did I say the wrong thing? Could the last date have been better? (Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)
For fuck sake! I feel like a preteen girl dissecting every action of some boy. It is irrational and stupid. I know this. I can't seem to stop it, but I can see myself doing it and it is annoying. When I step out of my head and look at what actually happened, not what the motivations might have been, I can see that she does like me. We text and talk. We hold hands. We smooch. All positives, right? Not for me. (shot)
I wonder if she only does those things because she feels sorry for me, or doesn't want to hurt my feelings. (3 shots). How stupid is that? Again, if I look at the hard facts, I am an idiot. (shot) She is independent and seems to be strong willed. She has a good sense of who she is and what she wants. Why would she put herself into a situation where she is trying to make some guy feel good about himself?
Answer: she wouldn't. (shot)
None of my friends would. They want to hang out with me for whatever reason. That reason doesn't matter. This is not a soap opera where people are moving people like pawns or trying to destroy someone. There aren't really "enemies" or covert friendships. That is fantasy and movies and TV shows and books. It is not real.
This is life.
Things are what they are and worrying or wondering about the subtext that may or may not exist is a waste of time and energy. We can't change past decisions. There are things we can't do anything about happening now. We can't read people's minds and most people aren't really all that devious that we should be concerned about them destroying our lives and laughing maniacally. Over thinking is stupid and pointless. I can't pretend that I will stop right away, it will be a long process, but if I don't do something about it, my liver will pack up and leave.
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