Seeing Life Lines

I wrote a deleted a post last week.  It was full of melancholic, emo shit more fitting of a teenager wearing eye liner than an 35 year old man, hence the deletion. 
On the other hand, it was typical of the emotional rainbow on which I ride.  Maybe it was just a week of some sort of male version of PMS.  I was moody and depressed and over thinking and second guessing and all sorts of very tiring and boring activities that lead nowhere.  I had a night out and a handful of drinks and I was okay again.  I also let it be known that I felt like it was that time of the month minus the bleeding.  A buddy laughed and then said that he too has had that.  Other people feel the same stuff I do?  The shit you can learn when you talk to people.
Each time I step into these little potholes, I learn something new. 

I learn that the light is always there,even when I can't see it. 
When depression sinks in, it seems limitless.  A black hole where all happiness is sucked in with no escape.  No one really loves you.  You will never laugh again.  You are pretty much shit.  Or so the little fucker would have you believe.
Depression is someone behind you all the time, covering your eyes and whispering in your ear.  Depression is an ass hole.  In truth, there is happiness and confidence and laughter all the time.  At that moment, though, you can't see it.  You see in negatives.  You have to find your outlet and let it out.  Depression doesn't really like being the topic of conversation for too long.  Eventually, he leaves.

I learn that it is all inside me.
All of the negative and self-defecation is me.  It's all in my head and is being magnified by whatever chemicals or thoughts or whatever it is that brings this on.  People out in the real world still care for you and love you.  I tend to mistake whatever look they have as negative towards me.  In actuality, they are just concerned and are unsure what to do.  It is hard to bring that thought to the surface, that it is all in my head.  When you are drowning, gasping for breath to live, it is hard to see the lifeline.  But once you grasp it you are well on your way out of the water. 

I learn that everyone experiences down turns
I am not the only one.  Crazy.....and freeing.

Seeing these things that I do, these behaviors that have lead me down dark paths, is kind of surreal.  It's like watching childhood home movies and gaping at the clothes your mother made you wear.  I can't believe that I have never seen these things before.  There they are, right in front of me, but I have been blind to them.  It feels good to see that stuff.  With my eyes a little more open, I can avoid slamming face first into a wall.  What a concept.