My moods seem to be like passing weather. They are changing and sometimes unstable, can be destructive or can promote happiness and growth. They are also often dependent on how the world outside me is shifting. My environment moves and my mood can change with it. People in my life can adjust my happiness like a switch, though they may not know it. I don't like being this way.
I have come to believe that this kind of mentality is far to unstable to allow me to maintain a sense of myself, a sense of happiness. If true happiness is really rooted inside ourselves, then I have a lot of work to do.
I have struggled for a long time with being happy, though it is not too far of a stretch to say that I am happier now than I have been in a long time. Looking at the events from the past few years, one might wonder if it is because of the things that I have changed around me. Was it leaving my marriage? Was it the storm that I survived? No.....and yes.
My relationships were not the problem, though coming out of them and living to see the end of the tunnel I was in has shown me a few things. My wife did not make me unhappy. I was already unhappy. The woman who rode through hell with me did not take me there, I allowed myself to go there. My family issues and deeply seeded paternal problems are not really the cause of depression or sadness. It is the reaction to those things that brings me down. I know that I have written about this before, but I keep seeing it. An event is just an event. It is neither happy nor sad. It is simply what it is. Our clouded and complex minds make it into a clouded and complex thing.
I wonder how simple things would be if we let them be only what they are.
But how does that apply to emotions? In theory, emotions are not "real" in the sense that they are not tactile and they are interpreted differently and felt at different times for everyone. We can't pin down "happy" and say that it feels like this and happens at these times and it is this way all the time for everyone. They are not that black and white.
So, what are they? What are our moods?
I don't have an answer. My thought is that they are reactions based on reactions based on reactions and on and on. The smell of baking bread makes me smile. The scent is pleasant. The warmth from the oven feels good. I get excited at thought of eating it. I think about my mom baking bread and it is comforting. I think about my Grandmother's house. For me, it is very positive. But what if I were to bake bread and the oven caused a fire and my house burnt down? Would my happiness be as true the next time I smelled baking bread, or would it now be tainted? My reaction would change and would become complex. My new reaction would be negative and the smell of bread could cause anxiety.
I have to believe that if our moods and emotions are reactions, then we can change them. I can choose to slow down and look at what I am feeling and why I am feeling it. In doing that, could I then become stronger within myself and able to have a modicum of control over the direction my mood swings?
I believe yes.
I believe it is not easy, but that it is that simple.
My experience over the past year, as I have talked and reflected on myself, has lead me to a place where I can catch myself reacting to situations or acting in a certain way. I don't always, but when I do I can ask myself why. It is powerful, I believe. When I feel depression coming on, I look at it. I analyze it. I break it down. Sometimes it works, sometimes the mood is too strong of too confusing or too complex. When it does work, the clouds break. When it doesn't, I know I have a lot of work to do, still, but I learn something every time.
We live in a fast paced world where we are forced to react quickly. It is hard to stop and look at the trees in the forest, but I think it is important. I know that if I lose sight of the trees for too long I get lost. I think I will slow down more often. I believe that doing so is part of my answer.
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