Come What May

I feel like I write a lot about fear.  How can I avoid it?  Fear invades every aspect of our lives and can be overwhelming when not faced head on.  When one wall breaks, fear oozes in the cracks and begins to take over.  Fighting it is damn tiring sometimes.  How do you keep up when your heart feels like it will bear no more?

The fear I am talking about now is the fear of the possible unknown.  Anything is possible and it is possible to be afraid of all of it.  The things we tend to fear the most are the things that will cause us the most pain.  I have little fear of heights, though a fall could break every bone in my body if it didn't kill me.  The most pervasive fear for me is the fear of a broken heart, though I doubt that will kill me.  I am always willing to climb a tree, lean over the edge of a building to see the street, go rock climbing or skydiving, and their is little hesitation.  The thrill is wonderful and the adrenaline is almost addictive.
I love in much the same way.
I will climb the mountain with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.  When I get to the top, however, I hesitate.  One unstable foothold and I am backsliding out as quickly as I can.  My heart seems more fragile than my bones.
When my trust is broken, my heart breaks too.  I feel the pain in my chest and it permeates every part of my body.  When I want to trust, there I am, staring at the rock face again willing myself to climb.  But each time I take that handhold to begin climbing the desire is weaker and the fear is greater.

Unlike my bones, my heart has been broken in more places than I can count.  I keep moving and keep loving and the heart keeps breaking.  My fear is rooted in the past.  The roots are deep and they are strong. 
I love the woman I am with, but my trust has been tested a few too many times.  I don't know how much more I have to give before I turn away and find something else.  I don't want to do this, but what can a person do.  We are tested time and again and it can often make us stronger, but, I wonder, how many times before it isn't worth it any more?  Anxiety bleeds into my thoughts, now.

What I do know is the fertile soil for an invasive plant.  What I don't know is the water that feeds it.  Its flower is fear.

And so I am afraid once again.  It is a struggle, but I believe that it is worth it.....for now.  I am having a hard time trusting and this breaks my heart a little.  I still want to hold on, though.  I have a little bit more to give before my hands give out and I can't climb anymore.

I believe it is important, sometimes, to pull yourself to the top.  You might not make it, and that may not even be the point.  Maybe the top isn't even there.  Maybe it is the climb that is the point of it all.  As long as it fills your heart and allows you to respect yourself, maybe that is all you need.

"The future will come, come what may. Your fear is that of the unknown and imagined future. Your pain is from attachment in the face of this fear."
samsaranmusing