Expecting a Disaster

I realized something that I have known, but not really seen. 
I am expecting to get hurt.  I am almost actively looking for it as a knee jerk reaction to really liking someone.  It stems from my refusal to let go of past experiences, and I know this but I struggle to change it.  My relationships end badly.  They always do.  Sometimes, I am the one in control of it when it ends and with others, it is out of my control.  Such is the way with people and love. 
I think the enormity of the pain I have recently experienced still resides within me.  I am holding on to it, though I am not sure why or how.  The tremors from the quake that rocked my life are still a threat, or at least that is what I have built up defenses against.  I can't help but wait for another earthquake.  I am like LA, minus the massive eating disorder, money, and endless supply of silicone.  I am full of insecurity, a desire to act, and preparation for disaster.  It is in this preparation that I am feeding my anxiety and fear which spills over into every other part of my life. 
It is kind of irritating and largely annoying, I am sure, for the people in my life that have to hear about it. 

I have been on about not having expectations, and that is true, but I think that the motivation behind that thought was positive expectations.  Don't hold on to the expectation for good things.  Also, don't hold on to expectations for bad things.  Don't have any expectations.  They lead us away from the moment we are in.  If something doesn't go the way we want, we get upset.  If we expect bad things, we get upset.  Expectations lead to suffering. 

So, I have decided that I need to work on not being an idiot and expecting that I am going to get hurt.  I know this chick likes me, or at least the rational part of me does.  The irrational part thinks that she is lying to me, telling me what I want to hear, and holding on to a bevvy of men on the side with whom she flirts and texts and occasionally will "accidentally" let me see what they say.  But she is not like that.  She is cool and I have a hard time really accepting that fact.  It is irrationally difficult for me to believe that she might actually be what she says she is and that it is not all an act. 
I have gone paranoid and crazy.  I am jumping at shadows. 

So, now that I see it I have to move on.  I have to stop.  If I don't, I will never have another healthy relationship.  I would like her to be my healthy relationship.