Pebbles Become Mountains

Attachment to things, people, ideas even, is a struggle for me.  I have been dating a woman who seems to naturally be able to be detached.  She recognizes the impermanence of everything almost at a subconscious level, or so it seems.  I envy this about her.  I am trying to learn it from her.  I believe that it is important in achieving this "happiness" that I am seeking. 
Because I tend to be a "feeler" and often over emotional, it is a challenge for me to remain detached, especially from people.  Whatever I feel, I feel deeply and get hooked easily and readily.  I would not give this up.  For all of the pain that I have experienced because of it, the amount of love that I have felt overrides the negativity.  I believe that as I progress in obtaining the peace inside me, this overflowing love will be a gift so great that I will have no choice but to share it.  A key to progression is learning to be detached so that the giving is free and without condition. 
It is this attachment that has me writing blogs like yesterday's.  I spent a day home sick after that.  Luckily for me, I spent it with my woman who knows that I have days where I am sad for no reason.  She is wonderful because I can tell her that I am sad and I don't know why and she takes it in stride with everything else.  Her response was, "what do you need?" which is the perfect response.  I thought I needed a day to myself.  Maybe I did, but what I had was a day with her talking freely and sitting in the sun or in the house.  I said things that needed to be said, and I felt better.  In talking to her, I opened my self up to myself so that I could see what was really bothering me. 
I get inside my head and get lost in the infinitesimal space that is my mind.  The things that I don't say try to grow to the size of that space.  The smallest pebble becomes a mountain. How often do we do this?  I know that I do it all the time.  It is a challenge that I have recognized and work to prevent. 
In this case, that pebble was my insecurities and issues with trust thrust upon another person as something else, so that pebble became a tac. 
It is once again a pebble.  Although it is still there for me to stumble upon, I can see it.  Because I can see it, it is no longer anything other than what it is.  I need to feel attached to someone, to seek happiness through them.  I know this.  I have known this for a long time, I think.  I am only just now recognizing it for what it is.  In this recognition, there is freedom, a realization.  A pebble is a pebble, not a mountain.  Look at it for what it is and it becomes something beautiful that you can say you found peace from.  Look at it as something else and it becomes a mountain that you struggle to climb.  
 
When she asked me what I needed, I told her that I wanted her to stay but at the same time I did not want to use her to be happy.  In saying this, I felt a sort of lightness that comes with the few epiphanies we are lucky enough to find.  From there, we talked.  For me talking is a way to let things go.  Like the words off of my tongue, the problems and struggles go the way of the wind when I speak them.  They become smaller, less important.  I know this is a constant lesson for me.  One day, I will learn it and in that day I will be a step closer to detachment. 

namaste


"Why is there this urge to identify, to be attached? Why is one human being attached to another? Does not attachment breed fear, fear of losing what one is attached to? Being attached, you may become jealous, frightened, anxious, which are obvious phenomena. You are attached because of your own insufficiency, loneliness. And so out of your own insufficiency, loneliness, a sense of lacking, you cling to another. So is attachment love? Where there is attachment there must be exploitation. And we use that word love to cover up all this. And is love jealousy? None of these things exist as attachment when you have understood that that emptiness in yourself can never be filled by something else. You have to look at it. You have to not escape from it, observe it totally. In attachment there is fear, there is anxiety, there is hate, all the conflicts in relationship; and where there is conflict can there be love?"
-
Jiddu Krishnamurti

The Water Muddied

I awoke this morning and already the grip of anxiety was strong in my mind.  These are the days I struggle more than most.  I broke down in the shower, my tears washing down the drain with the water.  I cried because I wonder if I will actually make it to the end of this.  I am not sure what all "this" is, but it feels like a road, a journey perhaps, which would mean it has an end.  At the finish line is freedom from feeling this way.  Maybe I am lost.  I have no map.  All I have is a compass and I follow it, but without any idea of where I am going I seem to end up neck deep in bogs too often. 
Or maybe it is not a journey at all.  Maybe it is simply what it is.  As zen as that sounds, I am not sure what it means.  If there is no end to this wandering, what is the point? 

I keep reading in some vain attempt at finding a point or an answer or some glimmer of hope.  That is not really what I need to be doing.  For all of our struggles, the answer is inside.  This is also where the struggles lie.  We create our own problems and obstacles and make them real by believing in them.  All of this, then, blocks the view of the answer.  Muddying our own water is much easier than allowing it to clear.  Today, the water is thick with fear and anxiety.  I am really struggling, but I feel something new. 
There is a part of me that is trying to let go of whatever this is.  But that part is small.  A child in a world of grumpy and depressed grown ups. 

I don't know where I am going with this.  I suppose it was an attempt to see things clearly, to get some of the poison out of my head.  Moments like these are the ones where I will find the largest growth.  I have to believe that. 

Loving Like Water

I feel like I am fighting a battle and it is tiring. 
Old Me and Now Me are like children constantly having a go at one another, running rampant as they try to beat the other one down into submission for control of my mind.  I am getting tired of climbing over the mess these fights leave behind because it is like a step back for every two forward as I try to maneuver the chaos that follows in their wake. 
Old Me is terrified and anxious and jealous and miserable.  Now Me is trying to get past all of that.  Old Me is used to running the show.  Now Me knows a better way.  Old Me writes blogs like the one from yesterday.  Now Me sometimes loses the fights, the end result being blogs like yesterday. 
Ultimately, I think Now Me wants to find detachment.  Of course the wanting of it is already the incorrect path.  Want is desire and desire leads to suffering.  But how does one simply become detached? 
I recall a time in my life when I was, in a way.  I was much lighter, then.  I could float on a breeze and find the sun wherever it was shining.  I feel heavier now.  I am weighed down and unhappy.  I am weighed down by these things I hold on to.  My struggle is in letting them go.  I feel that, like a helium balloon at a children's party, I would be able to float to freedom if I could break the ribbon attached to the balloon filled with sand. 
It is all about living in the moment.  Feeling what is there, not what was or what might be.  That is hard for me.  I am trying, though.  I read an analogy today likening detachment to water.  Life is not about staying away from everything.  It is more like placing your hand in water.  For the time that your hand is there, it is surrounded and taken in completely by the water.  When you remove your hand, the water lets it go, but for the time it was immersed, it was fully there.  Like the water, we should embrace what we have when we have it, but know that it won't be there forever and to let it go when it is time.  We should love like the water.

As a completely unrelated side note, I had a tremendous feeling of deja vu right at that moment.

I find a lot of ideas that I like are centered on water.  Water is cleansing and renewing.  Water helps us grow.  "This is water". 

I am going to try this detachment thing in this way.  My gut tells me that it is a good thing and I have recently discovered that my gut is fairly spot on. 

Namaste

Old Man Emo

Is it possible to really get past the entrenched enemy of anxiety and distrust?  My gut is screaming at me that there is something dishonest happening.  That the whole truth has not been revealed.  That there are remnants of something from before lingering like flies that have taken to buzzing around my head.  She has told me more than she told me before, which means that she had not been open and although she did not lie, she also did not tell the whole truth. 
I struggle with half truths. 
Half truths have broken my heart into more pieces than I can count.  The fear of that breaking brings up the anxiety.  It turns my stomach and burns in my chest. 
So I breathe and I reach out for inner peace, but it eludes me behind the torrent of mixed emotion and uncertainty.  I close my eyes and focus on the moment, but the tidal wave of fear wipes it away in the ocean of discontent; the ocean that I am drowning in.  The depression, the sadness, the fear, the ugly emotions that threaten me every day rear their head and take their shots in the wake of my weakness.  But I breathe deeply again.  I remind myself that it is all in passing.  I do not need her for happiness.  I do not need her to be whole.  That is within myself.  If I can reach into myself, then what she reveals and does not reveal does not matter. 
I am weak.  All of this reminds me of that weakness and I know that it is said that the struggle can lead to the greatest gains, but it hurts.  It frustrates.  It angers. 
She lives in the moment and although I feel that it is a defense mechanism for her, I envy it. I remember when I was that way, when I was loose and free.  I am not that anymore.  I have been tied up into a tight package and struggle to break the bonds.  I see the knife, but I can not reach it. 
And I am tired. 
The anxiety wears me down. 
This is just a taste of a time not too long ago.  A time where these seeds of doubt were planted, the roots cracking what was once rock solid trust. 

Maybe I am broken.  Unable to function as I once did.  Maybe I am fine and am just experiencing what we all go through.  Maybe I am just emo beyond my years. 

I will keep trying, breathing, breathing, breathing.
This cancer will either take me over or I will finally break free.  Time will tell.

Figments of Feelings

Insecurity, Anxiety, Fear.
The poisons that, too often, rule our lives. 

They push us to depression and anger and jealousy and are toxic to our existence.  So, I have been searching for an answer, a cure if you will, so that I might find some peace of mind.  Writing here is part of that search.  I think that quite a few of my recent posts have been centered around this theme and it helps to look at such abstract concepts in this format.  They become black and white.  They become somewhat solid and can be seen in a different light, from a different angle. 
I find that I read about things I do not understand.  So, I have been reading about insecurity and anxiety, fear and jealousy.  It seems I am not the only one to walk this fucked up road.  Everyone does.  This little tidbit has been really helpful for me.  You see, we are not alone and I think that the loneliness, the feeling that you are the sole traveler in a world too big to really comprehend is scary (fear).  Finding out that it is normal and that you are not the only one (anxiety) and you are not actually all that much different from everyone else (insecurity) is like finding a life raft in a stormy ocean.  You haven't found shore, but at least you aren't drowning.  It is really interesting to see how others deal with it, too.  They may not have the answer, but a seed may be planted from the words and thoughts and ideas they share.  It gives you something to think about other than what you are torturing yourself with.  It also gives you new weapons to beat back the oncoming depression that results from finding yourself lost on the massive ocean of your mind. 
One bit of advice that I have read has been to step back and look at the object of your anxiety or fear or whatever and really stare it down.  Check out the back and front.  Flip it over and read the label.  Break it down and find out what it is all made of.  Really meditate on it and see it for what it is. 
Nothing.
It is a figment.  It is a creation of all things negative made real and whole within the confines of our mind.  But outside of that, it is nothing. 
Trust me when I say that I recognize the simplicity of writing that and the complexity of truly realizing and accepting it.  Too often our fears become reality and the anxiety gains ground.  I think that this is where we have to find a way to recognize that our attachment to things is a source of our struggle. 
A source of anxiety for me is this woman and her friend.  It is a source of anxiety because I want to believe that she and I have a level of permanency.  It is sad to think of her not being around and that would be the result of her acting in a certain way with this guy.  But the truth is, she and I are not forever.  Nothing is.  We could be together 30 years and still not be permanent. 
It is a real struggle for me and I am worried about it because I wonder if it is going to be the norm for me if I don't find a way to get over it.  It is frustrating, this feeling.  It is ugly and destructive and it is a seemingly insurmountable wall. 
I have also read that finding the source of you anxiety and fear can help you remove it from your life.  At first thought, that would mean that I should avoid relationships.  But it is not the relationships that are the issue.  The fears are not born from dating someone.  They are born from something inside me.  That is why these feelings are so challenging.  To fix them, I have to find out what part of me needs work.  Staying away from women isn't the answer.  The emotions are still there.  They just lie dormant.  I would not be able to grow within myself.  It has been said that facing our greatest challenges can lead to the greatest improvements.  So, we shouldn't run or hide.  We should face them. 
And, so, I do. 
I am getting tired of talking about this and I imagine that anyone reading this drivel is also tired of it.  The benefit of the reader is that they can choose to not read.  What I would like is that same choice.  My hope is that I will be able to choose to not allow these feelings to enter my line of sight and cloud my vision. 
Someday.  Till then, I read and work, as we all do when we find struggles and challenges in our lives. 

That Gut Feeling

I have recently heard that the "gut feeling" is in fact a very complex series of links in your memory, instead of a simple feeling.  The links are all built around experience, which makes me wonder how accurate your gut can be when dealing with new situations all the time.  It is not instinct, it is something that would have to be constantly changing and evolving and in turn making your gut reaction different today then it would be if the same thing occurred tomorrow.  For most of my life, I have been rather oblivious to my "gut" and its advice.  I have preferred to run with the moment and let things happen.  Things have changed.  I have found that there were times when I would get that "gut voice" giving me warnings and I would ignore it.  I started to listen a little more closely to its sage like advice.  After all, cops do it.  Right?  But then this new bit of information comes in about experience and I am lead to this point (and I think I might have one).
And, I am confused.

I have begun to believe that this gut reaction has its place and there are also areas where it does not belong.  If it is based on experience and is changing and evolving based on what you do and learn, it can be an invaluable tool at work as a beat cop trying to make it good with the boss (and other life areas as well, I'm sure).  I wonder, though, at the effectiveness of the gut in relationships beyond the surface, beyond the coworker, acquaintance or common thug you might be questioning in the biggest case of you life.
If you are trying to build something with that cute girl you met, is it fair to listen to your gut?
I guess what I am wondering is, if you based your judgement of a situation with someone new - for example the have received a text from a guy friend and have assured you it is just a friend - on things that have happened in past relationships - for example that "friend" was in fact someone she had been messing around with - then your reaction would be that she was lying and you might yell or fight or tell her to fuck off.  If this new cutie was telling the truth, then your gut is an ass hole and might have cost you something pretty amazing.  And this is my struggle.
I have said before that it is a shitty thing that we tend to do when we dump our baggage into the unwitting arms of our latest crush.  They are not the people we have dated.  They did not do the things that have formed our insecurities.  There are patterns that people as a whole follow, and with time and conversation we can learn which of those are relevant to the person we are talking to.  But even then, people are all different.
My issue, to just get it out so that I can see it, is that a woman I am seeing has a man who is a friend.  They text.  In one of my past relationships, that man would have been the "friend" even though she said he was a friend.  So, now I bring that with me.  My experience tells me that I should not trust her.  But I have female friends who are just friends.  Can't a woman have the same thing?  She could look at me and say, "in the past a man lied to me about his female friends, so fuck you."  Her experience would tell her that I was a dog and that I was probably nailing these women.  I'm not, but her gut says I am.  So it would be unfair of me to do that to her. 

This is my brain.  I have been traveling this latest road for a few days now and it is getting tiring.  I realize that the best advice is to let it go.  She has said he is a friend and you have decided to trust her.  So, trust her.  But my gut has been a bit of a bitch about this one.  Even though it is letting off after I talked to her about it, my brain is still stirring the pot. 
The struggle is letting new experience take the place of old, bad experience.  By letting the new stuff in, a lot of that old stuff can be seen for what it is - one person who did stuff you didn't like.  It's not everyone.  It's not this new woman who seems to be really cool.  It becomes a creation inside your head and like most things that live up there, it is not real. We have to let it go or we can't move on. 
Letting go is not as easy as just saying it, though. 

I never used to have these insecurities.  It is strange to see me this way.

Moods Made Simple...ish

My moods seem to be like passing weather.  They are changing and sometimes unstable, can be destructive or can promote happiness and growth. They are also often dependent on how the world outside me is shifting.  My environment moves and my mood can change with it.  People in my life can adjust my happiness like a switch, though they may not know it.  I don't like being this way.
I have come to believe that this kind of mentality is far to unstable to allow me to maintain a sense of myself, a sense of happiness.  If true happiness is really rooted inside ourselves, then I have a lot of work to do. 

I have struggled for a long time with being happy, though it is not too far of a stretch to say that I am happier now than I have been in a long time.  Looking at the events from the past few years, one might wonder if it is because of the things that I have changed around me.  Was it leaving my marriage?  Was it the storm that I survived?  No.....and yes. 
My relationships were not the problem, though coming out of them and living to see the end of the tunnel I was in has shown me a few things.  My wife did not make me unhappy.  I was already unhappy.  The woman who rode through hell with me did not take me there, I allowed myself to go there.  My family issues and deeply seeded paternal problems are not really the cause of depression or sadness.  It is the reaction to those things that brings me down.  I know that I have written about this before, but I keep seeing it.  An event is just an event.  It is neither happy nor sad.  It is simply what it is.  Our clouded and complex minds make it into a clouded and complex thing. 
I wonder how simple things would be if we let them be only what they are. 

But how does that apply to emotions?  In theory, emotions are not "real" in the sense that they are not tactile and they are interpreted differently and felt at different times for everyone.  We can't pin down "happy" and say that it feels like this and happens at these times and it is this way all the time for everyone.  They are not that black and white. 
So, what are they?  What are our moods? 
I don't have an answer.  My thought is that they are reactions based on reactions based on reactions and on and on.  The smell of baking bread makes me smile.  The scent is pleasant.  The warmth from the oven feels good.  I get excited at thought of eating it.  I think about my mom baking bread and it is comforting.  I think about my Grandmother's house.  For me, it is very positive.  But what if I were to bake bread and the oven caused a fire and my house burnt down?  Would my happiness be as true the next time I smelled baking bread, or would it now be tainted?  My reaction would change and would become complex. My new reaction would be negative and the smell of bread could cause anxiety.
I have to believe that if our moods and emotions are reactions, then we can change them.  I can choose to slow down and look at what I am feeling and why I am feeling it.  In doing that, could I then become stronger within myself and able to have a modicum of control over the direction my mood swings? 
I believe yes. 
I believe it is not easy, but that it is that simple. 

My experience over the past year, as I have talked and reflected on myself, has lead me to a place where I can catch myself reacting to situations or acting in a certain way.  I don't always, but when I do I can ask myself why.  It is powerful, I believe.  When I feel depression coming on, I look at it.  I analyze it.  I break it down.  Sometimes it works, sometimes the mood is too strong of too confusing or too complex.  When it does work, the clouds break.  When it doesn't, I know I have a lot of work to do, still, but I learn something every time. 
We live in a fast paced world where we are forced to react quickly.  It is hard to stop and look at the trees in the forest, but I think it is important.  I know that if I lose sight of the trees for too long I get lost.  I think I will slow down more often.  I believe that doing so is part of my answer.