Biking Through Storms

It is amazing to think how we change.  Life is constantly evolving and moving and we are moving with it moment to moment.  How often, though, do we really notice all the stuff around us as it is happening?  How often do we see ourselves changing?  I have a tattoo, somewhat recent, that reads "this is water".  The story goes that two fish are swimming along and an older fish swims past, stops and nods and smiles and says, "Hey boys.  How's the water?"  The fish part ways and swim along.  The two younger fish stop after a bit and one says to the other, "What the hell is water?"  I stole, or borrowed depending on how liberally you look at it, from David Foster Wallace.
Everyday, all around us, life is happening.  We are growing and feeling and eating and breathing and loving and smiling and laughing and living, and we forget this.  As a society, I notice a lot of us only seeing the sad things and focusing on them.  I do it.  I think we all do.  We glance at the smile we get at the store, or the person holding a door for us, or the hug from a friend who loves us, or the supporting hands that help us everyday.  We only glance and move on.  Then we turn and stare at the love lost, how we don't have any money, the way we aren't what we thought we would be.  These are the photos in our mind.  The pictures of good times sit in albums tucked away in a closet. 
Perhaps we focus on the bad times, the storms in our lives, because they have the biggest impact on us.  They change us the most drastically in a short period of time.  I know that a few years ago (it is amazing that is how long ago it was) I was in a place I would never wish on anyone.  It was impossible to think of how life was outside of that darkness.  But I survived it and have grown and changed and matured. 
I am doing things I might not have ever done.  I am stronger in some ways, weaker in others, but I am changed. 
The good times don't alter us in the same way.  Those times change us slowly and are more like a gentle polish that makes us brighter.  A rock can be carved away by a raging rapid but made smooth by a flowing stream.  Perhaps the rapids come along when life grows tired of gently tugging us along, because like rocks we can be stubborn.  The storms, the raging rivers, are the unsubtle ways of getting us somewhere.  I am not a huge believer in fate and perhaps I am only trying to make sense of something that is hard to understand, but I believe that paths are presented to us and sometimes we dilly-dally a bit too long deciding which way to go instead of just living in the moment and taking the steps in one direction or another.  Eventually something has to happen. 
Einstein said that life is like riding a bicycle.  You have to keep moving to maintain a balance.  I think it would be good to ride life like that, the wind in your face, the ground below you a blur of grass and stone, and a focus on what is around us right now so we can see the rocks in the road and keep moving with joyous intensity.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

—	Haruki Murakami

Fearing in Love

I find myself falling in love. 
This is not too rare for me since I tend to fall in face first whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time, and when I love, I love deeply.  Feeling this way is causing a small amount of anxiety, which I think I fairly typical for a lot of people.  There is a fear of rejection or even a fear of acceptance.  Admitting to love brings with it the fear of what happens if things go south because the pain of a relationship ending when you were in love is so much deeper. (Note: the original sentence had "when" instead of "if".  Cynical?)
Suffice it to say, I have not made my declaration yet.  Fear holds me back.  I think the largest part of the fear is that saying it makes it real and makes the relationship something more than just a passing fancy.  I don't want a relationship that has an expiration date, so it would make sense that making it real would be a good thing for me.  Then there is the fear that saying it could lead to it ending.  What if she does not return the sentiment?  What then?  What do I do?  I don't know if I am that guy that can say "I love you, but you don't have to say it back."  Then I find myself asking, do I need her to say it back?  Shouldn't love be given freely and without expectation of a return?  Yes it should.  My reservation in this area comes from my aforementioned desire to have a relationship that is long term.  I don't need her to say it back, but in my mind this brings up the question of her intention with me and my heart. 

It is impossible to think that I am the only person that gets this anxiety in this situation.  Love is scary because it holds a risk of the heart.  When we are young, it is so much easier because we haven't felt the pain of the loss that can come from being in love.  When we are young, love sets us free like running wild through a sunny field.  With experience, love sets us free like a balloon is free.  There is always a string attached to some fear.  That fear can lead some to try and control the love or hold it back.  It becomes harder to cut the string and to just love as we experience pain that we associate with that love. It takes an enlightened mind to let the balloon soar free.
I guess I still have some work to do in that area.

For now, just loving is my aim.  Waiting for myself to get to that point is what holds me back from saying it.  Then I wonder how I would feel if she were not around tomorrow and I hadn't told her how I feel.  If I am to treat people as if today were the last time I would see them, shouldn't I tell her?  Then I think that telling her under that train of thought is still a declaration made out of fear. 
I guess what I really want is to be sure but I think what I am really doing is just over thinking. 

I have moments with her where it almost flows out of me uncontrollably.  But the ego pulls it back and questions it.  The ego is kind of a dick that way, but I know that it is just a way for me to protect myself. 

I do believe that I will say it.  I know that I do not say those words lightly, ever, so it will mean a lot.  I also know that it is important to allow love to be light and joyful.  It is an amazing thing and since I have begun to let the pain of past things go, I will let go of the pain that loss of love has brought. 
For all I know, this love could be awesome.

"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."

Thich Nhat Hanh

Subliminal Mad Man

There are mornings I wake up and can hear that negative voice in my head right away.  When he is there, I know that it will be a struggle to keep myself in a good space.  If I let that negativity win, it will be days before I am out of the hole that I will dig.  But I know that I have a choice. 
On those mornings when I wake up and he is there, whispering to me bits of advice or hints of insight into the workings of others who are out to get me, I can choose to listen and accept.  If I choose this path, I feel strong because I am able to know what others are thinking.  I am able to protect myself from the evil inclinations of everyone around me.  I have myself to protect myself and I can cut the rest of the world off so that they can't get to me.  Then I begin to feel alone.  I lose myself in the swirl of thoughts that run a rampant circle around my mind.  The sky goes dark, the storm opens up and I am buried.  Depression is my name. 
Days will pass until I can see a hint of something good.  Then I struggle to drag myself out of the hole that I am buried in.  I will spend the next few days just trying to feel happy again, only to wake one morning to the same choice.
I choose not to blindly accept the rantings of that mad man, I know that I will have a struggle that day, but it will be a struggle for something great.  Because I had chosen to listen to that voice for so long, his words are powerful and shake my foundling foundation with reverberating negativity.  The clouds threaten outside my windows, but I am safely inside.  The louder claps of thunder scare me as they shake the walls, threatening the integrity.  But I am safely inside.  When a leak starts, I plug the hole.  If the wind blows open a door, I close it.  Then I sit and breathe and wait out the storm.  By not succumbing to the negativity of the storm, I learn from it.  I learn what needs to be tied down and secured and what will cause the house to shake the hardest.  I learn what I need to do to keep that storm at bay.  I learn to live right Now.

I choose this path today.

I have grown tired of feeling the anxiety and depression that comes around once a week, it seems, and tries to get in.  I choose to stop creating problems that do not exist.  I choose to be positive and unaffected by the rantings of a subliminal mad man.  If I am being honest, I know that I will hear his voice.  I can either listen and believe or not.
I have read that it is best to stay positive when this kind of thing happens.  Don't ignore it, make friends with it.  Laugh when the voice tells you all is doomed and you don't deserve to be happy.  We are not the voice in our heads. 
I know that today will be a struggle for me.  I will have to try to stay above the water and keep positive and smiling.  Today, my smile will be the source of my joy so that tomorrow my joy can be the source of my smile.


“When you create a problem, you create pain. All it takes is a simple choice, a simple decision: no matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself. I will create no more problems. Although it is a simple choice, it is also very radical. You won’t make that choice unless you are truly fed up with suffering, unless you have truly had enough. And you won’t be able to go through with it unless you access the power of the Now. If you create no more pain for yourself, then you create no more pain for others. You also no longer contaminate the beautiful Earth, your inner space, and the collective human psyche with the negativity of problem-making.”

—	Eckhart Tolle

Rearview Mirror Master

I need control.

I read that and am blown away.  It is very possible that people who know me are not as surprised as I am, but this is really a shock.  For a long time I have believed myself to be laid back and pretty chill about all things.  I was, for a time, and still am on some fronts.  On others, not so much.
This need has been discovered during my reading and exploration of the spiritual things to which I am inclined nowadays (specifically this one which I just read - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3986/10-Things-to-Remind-Yourself-on-a-Daily-Basis.html).  A repeated mantra in most manuals and texts of higher happiness is to stop trying to control everything.  There are things in this world over which you have no control.  The only thing you do have a direct line to is yourself.
For me, it is relationships (this is obvious to anyone that has read this blog).  I never thought it true, but I have a need to control the outcomes of relationships.  I am like a director trying to control the action on screen and the emotion of the actors involved.  I want to know what they are feeling in the moment instead of allowing the space for exploration and organic involvement.  I would hate it if someone did this to me, so how can I allow myself to do it to others and to myself!?! 
I said I never thought it true, but it is more like I have never admitted it to be true, especially to me.  

I can't help but believe that my control issues stem from past hurt, but where else would it come from?  I tend to live in the past, so I fear repeating moments that were difficult and attempt to steer myself and everyone involved away from them.  In actuality, I am probably steering everyone right over the cliff myself since I am too busy checking the rear view mirror and not enjoying the road in front of me.
I need to turn my attention to what is in front of me in that moment.  Then I can just enjoy it all instead of worrying and stressing and being all around not awesome.  I need to find a reminder to do this.

When you think about, a lot of bad things can happen that you have no control over.  Attempting to control them changes little about the controlee but can have drastic effects on the would-be controller.  The other thing is, whatever happens won't be as bad as you believe it will be.  It feels like it when you try to predict the outcome (another issue of mine), but you will wake up and laugh and feel good again.
How you feel, how you react, that is something you can control. 

I wrote a blog a while back where I wondered how to let go.  I think I know how to let go, but in doing so I am losing control.  If I hold on to it there is a feeling of control that doesn't really exist.  Those things control me.  When I am trying to control my feelings or the feelings of someone else, those things are controlling me.  Much like the way Buddhist thought states that we can not be something with out that something being us, I can not control something without it controlling me.  By letting them go, that control is broken.

By letting go, I gain control.

To some this may be common sense.  To me, it is a revelation.  I know that I have to let go and perhaps this blog has opened my eyes to a reason I struggle with it.  When I tell myself to let go there is a sadness alongside the feeling of being free.  I think the sadness comes from the empty space where that thing was.  There is a hole now.  What I need to realize is that that space can be filled with something awesome instead of the non-awesome thing that was there. 

It would be nice to be full of awesome.

Your Child's Voice

It is a challenge to change the way we live or think or act.  Years of conditioning to feel a certain way do not melt away easily.  But, sometimes their is a voice that lies within us that is a whisper at first and it grows in volume as you subconsciously hear its message and begin to listen.  Much like the voice of a child speaking wisdom in a room full of adults, that voice is often overlooked.  It is too hard to hear and may sound silly.  If you listen, though, you will hear wisdom. 
The voice is telling you to change and offers paths and ideas and motivation towards a better version of you.  In my case, this voice has been there for a long time.  But, like an adult too often treats the child, I smiled and went back to the way I was going.  I listened, and unfortunately still do, to the old, familiar voice that had led me for so long. 
It is a great challenge to redirect out attention to something new and to then follow it.  We are comfortable in our easy chairs no matter how much we hear about the benefits of exercise.  There is ease in following the familiar path no matter how much it hurts our feet.  Pain becomes numbed.  I remember thinking for so long that we should suffer for our happiness otherwise it means nothing.  I don't know where I got that from.  I tend to think that religion planted that seed, but maybe not.  But if we are suffering, how can we be happy? 

My "child's voice" has been telling me about Buddhism and meditation and yoga for quite a few years.  Since I tend to be lazy and a creature of habit, I have never really done much about it.  Within the last 6 months or so, however, I have started listening.  Books have come into my life, I found tumblr where there is a huge community of people in the same kind of place I am and people who offer insight to get to a better place, and I have begun to find ways to do yoga.  It is a strange thing when you start to hear that voice and begin to really listen.
When I am practicing this "new" stuff for a while, I find a greater sense of happiness and peace with myself.  Because of this, I have to believe that I already know what to do.  I just have a hard time consistently doing it.  I get swallowed up in the old familiar ways that are so ingrained I don't have to think about them anymore.  Changing myself is hard.  Not changing is easy, more or less.  Not changing is also the road to nowhere.  
A difficulty, for me anyway, is to keep that voice from getting lost amidst the din of all the old voices.  They are like addicts for your attention.  When you turn away for the sound of a different voice, they scream louder and louder and louder to get you to come back to them.  It is a challenge to silence them and return the focus to better things.  It is a challenge to keep that child's voice from getting lost again.  It is even more challenging to get it back when you lose it because those old, familiar sounds are louder each time you come back.  

One thing that I have learned is to identify the things you are doing so you know why you do them.  I struggle with anxiety and paranoia when it comes to relationships.  I tend to struggle more when I am tired.  My walls are weak and the smallest things can push me over the edge and once I start falling, it is slogging through waist deep mud to find the shore.  So I know that I need to sleep more.  This is a very simplified example, I suppose, but you get the point.  When you listen to yourself, you will see that you have answers already.  The next step is to keep yourself from over thinking those answers........

Passing Good Investments

I have a shameful confession to make.
I read the following quote and realized something.....

"The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of postponement, failed communications, failed communions."
     - Anaïs Nin

If I think someone is going to be gone (not dead, but out of my life in some way) I would prefer that they would just leave so I can move on.  I don't want the waiting and anticipating of that event.  I want it done.  I feel like this is something about myself that I should change.  It is also something that brings a lot of insight into something that has been bothering me. 

Yesterday, I wrote about trust issues.  Last night, I talked about trust issues.  She asked me why it mattered what "might be".  I didn't really know how to answer that. 
I think I know now. 
I get all ruffled about cheating and not knowing because if it is happening, I want to know so I can get out.  I don't want to waste my time.  That outweighs all the other stuff that would come with that kind of betrayal.  I wasted my time.  I guess my view of time has changed a bit.  As I get older I begin to see that it slips away rather quickly and as it slips away, I want to know that I am spending it as best I can.  I don't want to waste it on someone else that I will find had been sneaking around on me.  And the I realize that by worrying about that, by focusing on what might be, I am missing out on what is.  This is also a massive waste of time. 
Last night, my girlfriend said that I was missing out on a lot of great stuff by worrying about hypothetical situations.  She is very right. 

If you are like me, you focus on the bad stuff too often.  If you are like me, you are missing out on some really good stuff.  This is sad.  I think that the kick in the pants for not treating people and situations as if they might not be around tomorrow is that you end up missing out on really good stuff now.  That is the trade off an it is not evenly sided.  It's like missing out on a great investment because you got screwed by Madoff.

Last night, after we had talked, I vowed to make that change.  I am making it.  I am also changing my mindset about people.  I will no longer push them out the door when they say they are going.  I will enjoy them while I have them, up until the moment they leave through whichever door they use. 

Obstacle/Path Enigma

I think a lot of religion/spirituality/motivational writings include a version of the belief that everything that you experience is for a reason.  Since all things are learning experiences, I suppose this is true.  Within this vein of thought, I am currently swimming, or maybe splashing about in a seizure-like dog paddle.  My challenge is, and may be for a long time, trust.  I know that I write about this fairly frequently as of late and that is because it is almost number one on the list of things that keeps me awake at night or that draws my focus during the day.

These trust issues come from a past place, both distant and recent.  I have a hard time trusting my girlfriend because of things she did and things that happened way before she came in to my life.  I wonder if these things will carry on in to every relationship I am in.  This thought has kept me from running.  If the issues are inside me, independent of the person I am with, then the problem is in me and I can't escape it.  I can only deal with it.
But how?

I have been trying meditation.  I work daily to be in the moment and to live with a clear head that is present.  When I find myself meditation regularly, much of the noise of daily thoughts clears up and leaves behind the deep level of noise.  This is where my anxiety and paranoia live.  They are much harder to quiet down.  This is when I begin to question everything in my relationship.  This is when my heart goes into the grip of depression.  This is when said relationship suffers, at least on my end, because I begin to wonder if it is worth it.  Part of me recognizes that, because this seems to be a constant issue, I should just move on.  But I believe that this woman holds something great for me.  I feel it in my gut.  I don't want to toss it away until I am feel differently.  Writing that makes me question it, but that is not the point here.

Once upon a time, I was a guy who trusted first and questioned later.  I am now the opposite, so when I give my trust but find it challenged, I don't know how to deal with that.  How do I build that trust up again?
It is within this question that my learning experience, that my "thing that happens for a reason" lies.  If I can get over this, I have learned something valuable and have strengthened a relationship.  If I can't, well, I don't know what.

I suppose it is all about communication.  Talking it out would be best.  It is in that that I find fear.  Fear that bringing it up will break us up.  Once again, fear rears its ugly head.  I wonder if that is the reason to do it, because if nothing else, I will have faced something I am afraid of.

I have no answer right now.  Maybe I just needed to write this out to see it from another angle.

"The obstacle is the path"
       - Zen proverb

This was posted on http://lazyyogi.org today.  Kind of fitting.
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

—	Ernest Hemingway

(edited 11/01/12)