Are we so used to living with a certain amount of shit in our lives that living that way becomes the norm?
A coworker recently had a surgery on his shoulder to fix issues with his rotator cuff. Following weeks of physical therapy, he was living without pain for the first time in a long time. "I became so used to the pain that it was normal to feel it. Now that I don't have it, I realize how much it actually hurt. It is strange to not have that constant ache and I have lived with it for so long even though I knew what the answer was to fix it."
Fear keeps us back. Fear and comfort. There is comfort in chaos when you are so used to chaos in your life. I wonder how often I sabotage my own happiness because I have been used to living with a certain level of stress, a certain level of emotional disturbance, that when I am feeling calm for too long I have to do something to shake it up. Not that long ago I found myself in a comfortable life and I decided to shake it up a bit. But why?
As an old ass man, I know what is right and what is wrong. I know that if I touch the flame, it will hurt. But sometimes, I touch the flame anyway. Touching the flame has pushed me to do things for a long time now. But why?
I'm a child.
Emotionally, I am a child in far too many ways.
This fascinates me. Why am I? Why am I immature in this way? What caused it, if anything? Why haven't I seen it till now?
Fear, I believe, is a part of it. Mostly because I believe that fear seeps into every part of my life. I can safely say that I am scared to be happy for too long because that happiness has always been shaken. Do I feel that if I have a constant level of feeling down, then it won't hurt as much when something comes along to rock the foundation? I suppose I do. In doing so, though, I really am missing out on the things that will fill my soul.
I have made choices that I knew were wrong, but I didn't want to miss out on something. I knew that I was about to touch a flame and that I would get burned, but the desire to feel the burn overwhelmed the fact that doing it was stupid. This seems to point to an addiction. But to what? Which part of the chaos is my drug? Is it the chaos itself or perhaps the rush from driving straight into the ensuing storm?
So, really, it seems that stupidity, or perhaps insanity of some kind, is another part of it. I keep doing the same thing even though I know it will hurt. On top of this, I know how to stop. I know what the solution is. When I am in a situation where I have the choice to stir the pot or to walk away, I need to just walk away. i really am a moth drawn to a flame. But I am smart enough to know that I will get burned. The addiction draws me in every time.
Do they have groups for people addicted to poor emotional choices?
I am already doing the therapy thing, which helps, but I am far from cured. I still seek to taste the rush of emotional maelstrom every time I open my email to see if she has sent me something. I am better, because I don't check every day. I tell myself that I wait until I know that I can handle it, but maybe I am waiting to for a day when the sea is calm and in need of a few waves. I am not sure why I do it, exactly. Why do I need an emotional kick to the balls? I know that if I open a message from her it will mess with me. Whatever sort of balance I have achieved will be thrown off kilter and I will have to spend time finding my center again. I know I am better, because it doesn't take as long, but I know I am not because I still look instead of just moving the email.
I am addicted and it kind of pisses me off.
What makes it worse is that I know where my answer lies. I read Buddhist philosophy and it makes sense to me. I have done the meditation and the yoga and it all helps me. But still I find myself reaching for the fire. It's like eating McDonald's even though I know it offers nothing nutritional. It's like a smoker who knows it will kill them. It is ridiculous. It really is.
Or is it just hard?
Is it easier to just get drawn in, to hit the drive through or take another puff? It is changing a habit. The frustration and depression and the dark parts of me have become a habit. Like getting up and taking a shower, it is so ingrained in my psyche that I don't even have to think about it. The easy answer is to just give in and let it ride itself out. But this easy answer is also the one that leads to the hardest consequences. So why do it that way?
Recognizing that there are questions is one step and asking them is another. I can pick out some of the individual clouds, and though the sky is far from clear, it's a start. I wonder when it is that we decide that not being able to see the sun is better than always feeling its warmth or how we get to a point where the sky is always cloudy in the first place. The answers are there. The surgery that will alleviate the dull ache that has become the rule instead of the exception is there. I know I need help getting to the point where I am happy with me. I am hoping that recognizing some of this will lead to that. Most addicts find it easier to quit their addiction by finding something else, something more constructive, to put their attention on. Maybe this should be my next step. I would like being calm to be the norm. I just have to keep the needle out of my arm, the hand out of the fire and find my proverbial Subway to keep me out of McDonald's.
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