Shame On Me

A girl I went to high school with died of cancer last night.  34 years old and she is gone from this world.  My feelings are a jumble right now. 
Nothing is permanent and we all die.  It is the order of things and is inevitable, but it seems so odd to hear about a friend dying because they have walked the earth for as long as you have and it is hard to imagine that it is so close to us every day.  If I believed in god I would blame him and wonder why he would do this.  But he didn't do anything.  Their is no one to blame.  It is out of our control. 

It is a reminder that we can go at any time.  It is a reminder to savor those in our lives that love us.  In this, I am a failure and it tears at me when I think of people around me dying.  Love is a gift and a difficult one to give, for some people more than others.  I think about what I would do if I found out my ex-wife died and the thought nearly devours me.  Giving love was hard for her and I threw it away.  Shame on me.
I know that I have to treasure the people that care for me.  I have vowed to myself to do this and when it comes to my friends, there is no problem for me.  I can love them easily and would do anything for them.  It is harder in matters of the heart, perhaps because my scars and bruises are still healing, perhaps because I am just scared.  Shame on me.

It is also a reminder to do the things we need to do.  I need to teach again.  I need to ride to California.  I need to write.  I need to stop being a waste and begin contributing to my life.  When it's done, it's done.  I talk about it and write about it, but I don't do it.  Shame on me.

I have no idea what happens when we die.  No one does.  We hypothesize and we find religion and myth and we hope we are right, but no one knows.  All we know is what we have here, now.  There are no answers for us. 

I am a bit of a wreck right now.  My mind is swimming in these thoughts for which there are no answers, so they continue to swirl.  I am lost in the reminder of the things I have taken for granted that I can't make right.  I am lost in the paths I have chosen to pass by because, like so many people, I have been taking this life for granted.  I have wallowed in my own self pity and my tiny problems for too long.  Shame on me.

I am alive. 

I have to remember this.  I have to.  We all do.  A woman I know has died of a disease she fought with for 3 years.  I remember reading her facebook posts about how she wasn't giving up and she would fight on.  She chose to live instead of just wasting away and even found a man who loved her despite her illness and she married him. 
I look at my broken heart that I hide behind and am ashamed.  I look at my broken hand that I am slowly typing with and I am ashamed.  I should be.  Bones mend.  Hearts heal.  This life only happens once. I have been taking it all for granted for too long.  Shame on me.