Just Really Confused

I hate this. This feeling of inching closer to something and having it just within reach but not being able to touch it, let alone get a hold. I am doing my best to give up the need to control this thing, this whatever it is, and I had a great Saturday night followed by a great Sunday into Monday morning. Of course, this greatness was preceded by a miserable Friday night where I sat with a friend and cried thinking about her being out and being with someone else. The feeling of losing her has been crushing me and she lets me have just enough to keep me around. At least that is what it feels like. I feel like I have been here before. I have had this relationship. I have had the undefined thing and it was miserable.
But this is different, right?
This isn't that.
It just feels.......bad.
I have been trying to figure out why, though. Why does it feel so badly? My initial thought is that it is because it sucks wanting someone more then they want you sucks. It sucks not having any control over what is happening. It sucks not knowing what the fuck is happening.
Or maybe it's because I don't know how she can do what she is doing, or rather not doing, if she loves me. Maybe she doesn't love me. Or at least not as much as I love her.
Is that okay?
Is that okay for me to just accept and deal with?
She broke my heart sitting in that bar when she said she needed more time. She said she wanted us to just take it easy. She said she didn't want to stop seeing him. How is that okay with me? Why do I let myself be treated this way? Do I not deserve to have the love that I feel is there for me?
In my heart I know that I love her and that we could have something amazing and deep. But she has this wall set up that I can't get past. She lets me in, but only so far. And then she lets me in all the way for a second and pushes me right back out. She wants something simple. It is apparent. So, what the hell am I doing?
I am all over the place with this. Part of me is accepting of it. Why not just rock something simple and enjoy it? I felt good when I just let it all go. No control, just enjoying the ride. But that won't last. I will move on and will have to let her know and will hurt her again. Or she will hurt me. At least when there is some commitment, it is not so simple to just walk away.
I want her. Just her. But now I have to find someone else. I don't want that. At all.
Confused. I am just confused.