Nature vs. Love

So this is happening again. I am writing again. I am sad again. I am in love again.
So here I am again.

This outlet is the next best thing to a therapist and it is free.
Not sure why I am explaining this.

Time to write.

My realization that I have had a need to control this thing has been freeing and torturing. There are so many things that I want to say to her, but I can't. It is a crazy situation because she has always told me to just say what I am feeling, but I don't think she knows how I feel. She doesn't know the way my heart beats because our hearts beat differently. Which, as hard as it is for me to understand, is something that I love about her. I love that she is not like me and that is also the most frustrating thing about her.
I began to question what it is about her that I love. Why am I here?  Why am I putting myself through this?
I don't have all the answers, not at the surface anyway.
But I know now. I know why I am so drawn to her.
I feel complete with her. But that isn't love.
Love is the way she is strong. So much stronger than I am. In that strength, she is vulnerable, but she won't let it show unless she is scared. She loves completely and doesn't judge those she loves. She shows her love in action, not words. She isn't good at words because she is awkward at intimacy when it comes to showing her heart. But when she shows it, it is amazing and beautiful and deep.  She told me once that she doesn't have the same kind of heart that I do. But she does. She keeps it hidden, possibly even from herself.
Just like I do.
She is opposite, but the same.
And it is goddamn frustrating, but that doesn't change how I feel. I do wish she would just say things the way she tells me to just say them. That one Saturday, in that one Starbucks, she did say it. That's how I knew. I saw her heart.
She says she doesn't trust me, but she does.
She is scared.
I want to open her eyes and show her that this love I feel is real. I mean, I have shown her, but I can't make her see. That is where the control thing comes in. I can't control what she chooses to see or what she can see. She needs time and I have to give that to her. And it is killing me, but if I love her I will give her what she needs.
I wonder how. How do I do that which is so against my nature? She has helped me open the box where I keep my heart and now I have to hold it back a little so that she can come around. Or maybe I shouldn't because that might make her think I don't care any more. And I do more than I can say.
And I miss her so much.

This is going to be really hard. I hope I can hold out. Maybe I hope to prove that I am not as weak as I think I am. I hope to prove that I love her to both her and to myself.
I know that I would do anything for her.
That's love, right?