Emesis of Words

My thoughts are scattered tonight.  I feel the need to get it out of my head.  Excuse my word emesis.

Sometimes, I get tired.  The anxiety, the depression can all get too overwhelming.  Then I get even more depressed. 
I have a good life.  I have a house and family and friends and people who love me.  What right do I have to be upset?

I drink wine at night to take the edge off of the shit that rolls through my head.  I have tried deep breathing and meditation and they are helpful in the long run, I hope, but sometimes I can't wait.  Sometimes I struggle dealing with the shit that fills my head.

I am getting better.  Things don't hurt as deeply or for as long. 

I have anxiety about my girlfriend.  The Buddha says that we often struggle because we are fighting "what is" in hopes that we can make it what we want.  I do this.  I fight what is, or at least what may be.  I do this with my feelings and with relationships.  I am the king of denial.  My girlfriend anxiety comes from this.  The problem is facing what is, or figuring out what it is so as to know what I want it to be.  Then I fall into the trap of desire, or more accurately I am already in it.  The downward spiral of desire.

I don't know if I can truly trust a woman anymore.  I used to be able to.  This is a struggle because I love to love.  I love to give my love to a woman.  To take care of her.  To give to her.  To accept and be with her.  That is tainted.  I don't know how to get past that.

I keep saying to myself I need to let stuff go.  I don't know how to do that.

I over think.  This makes me miserable.  It also makes me perceptive when it is controlled.

Sometimes I think that being married and having kids is what I am meant to be.  Then I think that I really enjoy what I have now. 

Tonight I am awake at 3:33 am because I was scared to go to bed because I am scared of my brain.

I need a change.....I just don't know what.