I have said before that I spend quite a bit of time expecting that my relationships will go sour. It is based on experiences that I struggle to let go of and on my subconscious desire to be dramatic and cynical, two qualities with which I also struggle to let go of. There is also a part of me, I think, that kind of wants there to be something wrong. It's kind of sick. I have begun to wonder if my difficulty in letting this stuff go lies in the comfort of the familiar. I don't know what to do with a relationship that is good and might not actually go bad. Paranoia is often the result.
Paranoia is defined as intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. The feelings can stem from any number of causes and people suffering from paranoid disorders are often mistrustful, defensive and have a preoccupation with hidden motives. Boy, does this define my feelings sometimes. I am not trying to say that I have a disorder on any clinical level, but I can relate.
Because I hold on to the things that have happened to past relationship, both of my doing and the stuff that was out of my control, I have a deeply rooted belief that any relationship will go bad. I look for it. I wait for it. I expect it.
This is probably pretty normal behavior. People get hurt all the time and some just move on and keep going and others dwell and hold on. When a relationship meant something, that is when we hold on the tightest. Those are the ones that are the hardest to let go of. We remember talking for hours with conversations that take no effort; lying in bed for a day with no desire to be anywhere else; the feelings of acceptance and happiness and contentment from that one person. We also remember the hurt, the rejection, the guilt, the betrayal, and all the bad stuff that comes when the whole thing falls apart.
The pain and the hurt comes from the attachment to that person. We lose them and feel as if we have lost everything. We attach our happiness to them. This leads to those days or weeks or months when we don't want to get out of bed, or we are hit with a wave of nostalgia that nearly knocks us off our feet, or when wine becomes a best friend while watching movies on the couch with a cat in the dark. Holding on to that stuff is what brings the suffering into every other relationship we get into, and I hold on with white knuckles, man.
I carry that stuff around like a shield that weighs me down. Instead of helping me, it is like a magnet that attracts and holds on to all the negative shit until I can barely hold it. It shields me from the good stuff so that things won't hurt as badly. What things? Depends on what things my mind is making up at the time. These are the things that keeps me up at night at tightening their grip around my chest. They are the things I need to drop to lighten my load on this journey I am on. They are the things I am familiar with, the things I wear like a sodden blanket that I pretend keeps me warm. I wear them because I am scared and uncertain and lack control over what I do not know. I know how to handle the pain and the rejection and the guilt. I have been shouldering them for a long time. I usually put them on by choice.
I don't want to make that choice anymore. I don't want to feel that way or deal with those things, yet I fight myself when I get comfortable. It is in those moments that I feel the most comfort with someone that I begin to fight them in my head. My imagination takes off and my paranoia and anxiety grab the reigns.
There is comfort in my current relationship. Maybe that is why those fuckers are trying to take hold and drag me down into the shit again. They don't want us to be happy. They fight us all the way. They are like the friends you have had for a long time that you have grown out of, but can't leave because you know them so well.
But I am getting bored of them.
I need some new friends.
"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."
Thich Nhat Hanh
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