The soft whisper that tells me things are bad, that something is wrong. It's touch is weak, but it is there and for some reason I want it to be there. It is like I miss it. I need it. I want it. But why do I want it?
What is the point?
I suppose that in writing it, I am trying to make it silent. That is a step.
But it is there.
I think I get tired of holding it off. I am worn out and my strength is weak. That is when he comes back. That is when my boogie man comes out. He waits till it is starting to get dark and finds the shadows. I am stressed upon stressed. He steps in when I am like this. He steps in and makes it worse.
I know this is passing. I know that it is only temporary. Like a storm. But it is during the storm when it seems like it will never end. I hope that this one is skirting by. I don't feel it like I usually do, so that is all the more possible. It is also possible that I am stronger. That my attempts at finding clarity and peace are making headway. I may actually be alright.
I may actually be alright.
You see, my mind is like a river and when I let go and stop swimming, when I get tired and can't paddle as hard, I get swept away. I lose mindfulness and I lose myself. It's hard. It is a struggle, but that is what makes us stronger. Just as we gain muscle when our body is pushed beyond it's normal limits, we become stronger when we are pushed. I feel like I cold be a fucking Mr. Universe at this point.
Sometimes it seems like things are put in front of us when we need them. I feel like the quote at the end of this was put to me for some reason. As I was writing this, it popped up on my Tumblr.
Crazy.
Now to work on being rooted in myself.
“To stay present in everyday life, it helps to be deeply rooted within yourself; otherwise, the mind, which has incredible momentum, will drag you along like a wild river.”
| — | Eckhart Tolle |
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