This is not too rare for me since I tend to fall in face first whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time, and when I love, I love deeply. Feeling this way is causing a small amount of anxiety, which I think I fairly typical for a lot of people. There is a fear of rejection or even a fear of acceptance. Admitting to love brings with it the fear of what happens if things go south because the pain of a relationship ending when you were in love is so much deeper. (Note: the original sentence had "when" instead of "if". Cynical?)
Suffice it to say, I have not made my declaration yet. Fear holds me back. I think the largest part of the fear is that saying it makes it real and makes the relationship something more than just a passing fancy. I don't want a relationship that has an expiration date, so it would make sense that making it real would be a good thing for me. Then there is the fear that saying it could lead to it ending. What if she does not return the sentiment? What then? What do I do? I don't know if I am that guy that can say "I love you, but you don't have to say it back." Then I find myself asking, do I need her to say it back? Shouldn't love be given freely and without expectation of a return? Yes it should. My reservation in this area comes from my aforementioned desire to have a relationship that is long term. I don't need her to say it back, but in my mind this brings up the question of her intention with me and my heart.
It is impossible to think that I am the only person that gets this anxiety in this situation. Love is scary because it holds a risk of the heart. When we are young, it is so much easier because we haven't felt the pain of the loss that can come from being in love. When we are young, love sets us free like running wild through a sunny field. With experience, love sets us free like a balloon is free. There is always a string attached to some fear. That fear can lead some to try and control the love or hold it back. It becomes harder to cut the string and to just love as we experience pain that we associate with that love. It takes an enlightened mind to let the balloon soar free.
I guess I still have some work to do in that area.
For now, just loving is my aim. Waiting for myself to get to that point is what holds me back from saying it. Then I wonder how I would feel if she were not around tomorrow and I hadn't told her how I feel. If I am to treat people as if today were the last time I would see them, shouldn't I tell her? Then I think that telling her under that train of thought is still a declaration made out of fear.
I guess what I really want is to be sure but I think what I am really doing is just over thinking.
I have moments with her where it almost flows out of me uncontrollably. But the ego pulls it back and questions it. The ego is kind of a dick that way, but I know that it is just a way for me to protect myself.
I do believe that I will say it. I know that I do not say those words lightly, ever, so it will mean a lot. I also know that it is important to allow love to be light and joyful. It is an amazing thing and since I have begun to let the pain of past things go, I will let go of the pain that loss of love has brought.
For all I know, this love could be awesome.
"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."
Thich Nhat Hanh
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