Rearview Mirror Master

I need control.

I read that and am blown away.  It is very possible that people who know me are not as surprised as I am, but this is really a shock.  For a long time I have believed myself to be laid back and pretty chill about all things.  I was, for a time, and still am on some fronts.  On others, not so much.
This need has been discovered during my reading and exploration of the spiritual things to which I am inclined nowadays (specifically this one which I just read - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3986/10-Things-to-Remind-Yourself-on-a-Daily-Basis.html).  A repeated mantra in most manuals and texts of higher happiness is to stop trying to control everything.  There are things in this world over which you have no control.  The only thing you do have a direct line to is yourself.
For me, it is relationships (this is obvious to anyone that has read this blog).  I never thought it true, but I have a need to control the outcomes of relationships.  I am like a director trying to control the action on screen and the emotion of the actors involved.  I want to know what they are feeling in the moment instead of allowing the space for exploration and organic involvement.  I would hate it if someone did this to me, so how can I allow myself to do it to others and to myself!?! 
I said I never thought it true, but it is more like I have never admitted it to be true, especially to me.  

I can't help but believe that my control issues stem from past hurt, but where else would it come from?  I tend to live in the past, so I fear repeating moments that were difficult and attempt to steer myself and everyone involved away from them.  In actuality, I am probably steering everyone right over the cliff myself since I am too busy checking the rear view mirror and not enjoying the road in front of me.
I need to turn my attention to what is in front of me in that moment.  Then I can just enjoy it all instead of worrying and stressing and being all around not awesome.  I need to find a reminder to do this.

When you think about, a lot of bad things can happen that you have no control over.  Attempting to control them changes little about the controlee but can have drastic effects on the would-be controller.  The other thing is, whatever happens won't be as bad as you believe it will be.  It feels like it when you try to predict the outcome (another issue of mine), but you will wake up and laugh and feel good again.
How you feel, how you react, that is something you can control. 

I wrote a blog a while back where I wondered how to let go.  I think I know how to let go, but in doing so I am losing control.  If I hold on to it there is a feeling of control that doesn't really exist.  Those things control me.  When I am trying to control my feelings or the feelings of someone else, those things are controlling me.  Much like the way Buddhist thought states that we can not be something with out that something being us, I can not control something without it controlling me.  By letting them go, that control is broken.

By letting go, I gain control.

To some this may be common sense.  To me, it is a revelation.  I know that I have to let go and perhaps this blog has opened my eyes to a reason I struggle with it.  When I tell myself to let go there is a sadness alongside the feeling of being free.  I think the sadness comes from the empty space where that thing was.  There is a hole now.  What I need to realize is that that space can be filled with something awesome instead of the non-awesome thing that was there. 

It would be nice to be full of awesome.