Acting After Thinking

Today I caught myself in the middle of considering falling into a bad habit - doing something that I know makes me angry. 
For a long time I listened to Pandora radio.  It is a great site for anyone who likes music.  However, there are message boards for commenting on the bands you love, and don't love.  I would go to the board for Tool and argue with people about their opinions on their music.  In the end, I had to stop because fighting the web trolls had ruined the site for me.  I had allowed it to make something great into something that caused me some stress.  I know it sounds silly, and it is, but it is the fact that I found myself logging on today to see what was on the message board.  I knew full well that I might end up angry and frustrated, but I did it anyway.  

I have done this a lot in my life, I think, doing things that I knew would cause me distress just to do them.  I would sabotage my own peace. 
How often do we do this? 
Why do we do it?

I think it became habit for me.  At some point, the negativity was the norm and I didn't even recognize what I was doing.  When I opened my eyes, I was amazed at how often I did it.  With today as an example, I still do.  I am happy that I have become conscious of it, but I find that knowing that I do it has brought some struggle as well. 
For a while I would try and read Her blog.  I don't really know why I did it, though I had enough excuses for anyone who would ask.  The honest answer is that it was a taste of the drug.  It was a momentary high that usually led to an immediate crash.  I knew that I if I read it, I would end up upset.  I did it anyway.  Then I recognized that I was doing it and why I was doing it.  I stopped lying to myself about it and admitted to my therapist my reasons.  I found that admitting it to myself and to someone else helped.  I can't remember the last time I read that blog. 
Looking back at other things I have done, I can't help but see a pattern of self destructive behavior for a large portion of my life.  I think it was a cycle.  I would feel crappy about myself because I had done something stupid, so I needed the rush of doing something else which would lead to more self defacing and on and on.  I became addicted to the cycle.

I heard a comedian make a joke that there is no such thing as addiction.  He said that there are chemical and physical addictions to drugs and the like, but you can get treatment to get past that.  Without the physical need, addiction is a choice.  He has a point, if delivered in a somewhat unsavory manner.  I have been addicted to feeling badly.  But that addiction was a choice.  I made the choice to do what I did and until I recognized what I was doing, it was not going to stop. 
It is very likely that this had a large part in my divorce. 
It also took that event and the storm of events that followed to make me see it.  Now that I know I do it I can stop myself, but there is always this silent longing to act first and think later about the consequences.  I struggle with that, but I can't help but to believe that that momentary pining is so much better than the maelstrom that could follow if I gave in. 

Being mindful of my actions is what I am working on.  The things we do affects us as well as others, so if we do something stupid, we will suffer the consequences too.  Acting after thinking.  I believe it is important.