It has been a long running joke that I am constantly checking myself in mirrors. I have to laugh, because it is true. I am very self conscious of my outward appearance and it is a source of some stress for me. As of late I have been thinking about my body image a bit more often than normal. I am in a show coming up where I will be half naked on stage....in front of an audience.....under lights and scrutiny. I have been working my ass off, almost literally, to put myself into a shape that I won't be embarrassed of. In mentioning this to a friend of mine (who is 6'7", 375 and has always been a big dude), I got a dose of reality. When I told him that I was doing P90X so I could be confident on stage he laughed and said, "oh, it's a vanity thing." I had no response because I knew he was right and that vanity and being conscious were not issues for him.
He has never had body image issues and he is always been a large mammal, in his words. There is a self confidence that resides in him that is largely unshakable. It is as solid as it is because it comes from within him. He doesn't base his self-esteem on what other people think. He is a rare case, I think. His confidence is something that I strive for, but will only hope to achieve by letting go of a lot of years of conditioning.
We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than others do. We hold on to this image that is presented to us as an ideal image. It is not inborn. It is not our image of ourselves, it is some sort of strange figure that is shoved in our faces on a daily basis. How many times have we seen a little kid running naked, escaping the hands of their parents who are desperately trying to get them into a diaper or pajamas? When we are young and naive we don't care about our bodies and what people think of them. Running around naked is awesome when you are a kid. If you try it as you get older, it becomes less awesome unless you are a nudist. Too often we are not comfortable in our own skin. Too often we are ashamed.
Shame is not inborn. It is conditioned. It is set on us, first, by our parents - who got it from their parents who got it from their parents and on and on. I believe that some of this comes from social mores that were enforced by religion, perhaps. I don't have proof of this, but I always think about Adam and Eve and the image of them in fig leaves because they shamed themselves in front of God. It seems that, even in the bible, our body image issues are our own doing and nudity was supposed to be our natural state.
So, we cover ourselves up. We hide behind style and designers. We attempt to reach some stupid ideal by dieting and working out. We hope that the clothes and the muscles will make us palatable to the people around us. But we don't find happiness this way. We don't really find confidence. We continue to stare at ourselves in the mirror each day to make sure our self image stays intact. This scrutiny of our bodies is based on a bar set by people we may never meet. This image is further perpetrated by those around us, but not by the people that really matter. Coworkers, people in the store, some dude or chick on the street, and the worst offender of all, us...these people judge us. The people who really care about us don't care how we look. So why do we hold on to this esteem defacing concept that tears us down every day?
I really wish I had an answer.
I refer back to my friend, who I will call Tiny because it is obviously ironic.
Tiny wears sweatshirts, t-shirts, ripped jeans, hats, shorts and whatever else is comfortable. His comfort is more important than what someone thinks about the holes in his jeans. The amazing thing is, people are drawn to him, not because of his appearance but because of who he is and the confidence and personality that oozes off of him. He has dated and "dated" women that you wouldn't think would be interested in him. They like him because he is kind and generous and sure of himself. Guys like him because he is funny, confident and loyal. It seems that, despite the fact that the ads that tell us otherwise, people are drawn to personality more than appearance.
We dress a certain way and try to look a certain way and when it all comes together just right we are confident. It is that that attracts people. It isn't the clothes or the hair, it is the confidence that gets the girl or boy. Sure, someone may comment on the shirt or shoes, but it is the personality that will keep them around. It is also that confidence that will help find happiness because, like true confidence, true happiness comes from inside. How often do you meet a physically beautiful person only to find that they are vapid and uninteresting?
So, my challenge is to find confidence inside. In many ways, I do have it. When it comes to my body, I don't. How do I get it? How does anyone?
With all of the Buddhist philosophy I am reading, it seems that the answer lies in letting go. Let go of the image. Let go of the idea that the body is the most important thing. Let go of the idea that the opinion of others is happiness. Happiness comes from within and that happiness comes from clarity of mind, not from ripped abs. I suppose the thousands of years that Buddhists have displayed this is proof enough that it works. It is the years of modern conditioning that is a mountain to climb.
One thing I do know is that I like to work out and I like to run, not because I will be an Adonis, but because I like the energy that I get from having a healthy body. Buddha did say that to have a healthy mind, it is important to have a healthy body. The struggle I now face is examining the outward desire to be fit so that I might let it go and focus on the inward benefits. Maybe I will be able to get past my hang-ups and my self-confidence issues before I am on stage. If not, being on stage might force me to get over it in a quick way.
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