It is a struggle to maintain this new state of mind. It seems that building the habit of living in the world and not in my head is not as easy as keeping it up for two weeks (which I hear is the amount of time a person needs to make something a habit). I slip and I fall and I don't always catch myself soon enough. The reminder to knock it off is often too subtle when the fog begins rolling in.
It is a strange thing, catching yourself mid fall, realizing that you have lost touch with what you have been struggling to find. I caught myself last week in the middle of a work out. I was struggling more than usual and began to give up, to let the devil on my left shoulder talk me down. I began to curse myself and to get angry; this, I believe, is the start of a vicious cycle of defeat. The realization of what I was doing was like a shot to the head and I looked back over the day and found that I had begun to climb back into the closet of my mind where I used to live in the dark to dream of things instead of living them. The return had been taking place over a couple of days. But, I caught it. For this I am happy and proud.
I sat down and paused the workout for a minute while I got my head out of my ass. After the rest, I still struggled, but it was more physical and less mental. It was good.
Now I struggle with finding the source of my loosening grip on my new mind. I know, however, that I need to continue to move forward, though. Finding the balance between progress and recognizing where I lost my grip is important. So, I read. I read the Big Happy Buddha blog and read the Dalai Lama's words and continue to find strength in those things. Thankfully, the weather has been warm.
The sunshine always helps.
I have also discovered some of the lectures of Joseph Campbell to watch. He introduced me to the idea of the Left Hand Path, or the path that leads away from the "normal" way of living. I have begun to wonder if I struggle because I lean toward that way of living. It is hard to stray from what everyone else is doing and I don't know that I am some kind of rebel or anything, but I know that I do things differently from those I have grown up with, from my family. In doing things in my way, I don't end up on the same time line as the people around me. I think this leads to a feeling of not quite fitting in. It's not a bad thing, as long as I can accept that.
I am not Christian. I don't watch sports. I don't have kids. I am not married. I tend to be liberal minded. These are some of the things that separate me from my long time friends. But even as I make this list, I realize that I am separating myself from those around me. By saying I walk a different path is saying that I am different from other people.
I am different.
But I am forgetting all of the similarities and those are what bring people together.
I am enjoying this ride towards wherever it is I am heading. I enjoy it when I see the mistakes I make and I can find a way to change. It is always interesting seeing what I am doing, almost from the outside. I hope I am doing it right and that this weird sort of clarity will continue to open up in front of me.
Maybe I just need to write more. I always seem to learn something.
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