Riding the Bull

It is strange when I am able to keep my anxiety under control, or as under control as a bull rider keeps a pissed off bull.  This whole deep breathing thing works.  The idea of staying in the moment works.  The thought that nothing is permanent helps.  It also helps knowing that I have been through worse and survived.  Obviously, I am talking about a woman.  That is all I seem to take to heart.  The thoughts and emotions that come with being with someone are my main source of suffering.  One of these days I am going to stop and I am going to stay away from them.  Every time I touch the fire, I get burned.  It is also possible that I am the source of the fire.  I am the cause of the burn.  This duality is insufferable sometimes.  

I think that one of my struggles lies in my need for connection.  It is a drug to me, making me high and happy.  When there is a threat to that connection, I begin to suffer the effects of the withdrawal immediately.  I grasp on too tightly.  I hold on to things I can't control and then I get upset when they go their own way.  To compound this, when things are going well I will latch on to any negative thing that comes up and hold on to that instead of seeing the things that are good and enjoying those.  In some ways, this is good.  I don't want to live a deluded life colored by rose-colored glasses.  I also don't want to wear my pessimism all the time.  It is a difficult balance to maintain.  When I lose control of it, I break my own heart.

The interesting thing about today is that, although the anxiety is under a modicum of control, it is this permeating sadness that is sitting behind my eyes and heart ever so quietly.  It is a kind of acceptance of things that have not even happened yet.  Is it better to live in cynicism to be pleasantly surprised, or to live in optimism and be disappointed?  I guess the answer is neither.  It is better to just live and take the events as they happen.  But this is hard to do.
It is hard to keep the movie in my head from taking over real life, from replacing the now with whatever it is that my delusional heart wants me to see.

Am I just trying to see something that isn't there, or am I trying to rationalize and delude myself into believing that it isn't there when it is?
 Trust is really difficult.

I guess the positive here is that I am riding the bull, not allowing it to trample me.  That is a good thing.

"Why did anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. You forgot your main purpose. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering."

— Eckhart Tolle