I woke up this morning from a dream where She was trying to get back into my life. I said no over and over again, but in the dream, she kept coming back and was hauled away by security in whatever apartment my dream had me in. So, now I am awake because it is hard to go back to sleep when you wake up sobbing. I know that I have touched on a lot of this with attempts at poetic language, but I think I just need to say a lot of things.
She hurt me more than I can express. Just writing it stirs up a lot of emotion. I used to blame myself for the pain, I used to say that I was doing my share of hurting her. I was not perfect, that is true. I also chose to accept what was happening to me and not get away from it sooner. I was going through the hardest time of my life because I wanted to be with the person that I thought she was. But that was not enough.
I am not going to go into what happened between us, though, this paragraph is part of a rather massive edit. But the result of my relationship and the things that took place was that I was on the brink of suicide drinking one to two bottles of wine while taking whatever pills I had. The combination of the guilt brought on by her and the pain of my divorce was too much. I had let everyone down. I was constantly letting the woman I loved down and didn't know how to stop. Now, I struggle trusting any woman. I expect to be hurt. I expect to be lied to. I expect to hear the things I want to hear absent sincerity. Red was right. I am broken. But I don't want to be broken anymore. I am so tired of feeling sad and being unable to connect and trust without fighting these demons that plague me. My heart hurts.
I am not as healed as I thought I was.
I received a text from Her last week. I ignored it, or more accurately, tried to ignore it after a simple response. You see, I went against what everyone tells me and I replied because I want to believe that I have forgiven and moved past the anger and the pain. I want to be okay with it all. That one text turned into four or five over the course of the past few days. I have done my best to ignore it and not let it bother me. My dream tells me that it does bother me. A lot.
I am not fine. I may never be fine again. Seeing those texts and having that dream made me realize that I am not. I can't hold it in any longer.
I do not believe that she will see this. Her last text was to tell me that she was sorry for the pain and that she is done reading my blog and texting me. I don't know that I want her to see this. I am not bashing her. She has a lot of her own past and baggage to deal with and that causes people to act in ways they might not mean to. But I can not have dreams like that any more. I can't feel like this any more. I am so sick of being sad and of looking at the past couple of years of my life as a big black hole. What is done is done, I know that. I am trying to live in the moment and find happiness.
That is why I wrote this.
I am done feeling sad all the time for things that were not my fault. I am done allowing that big black hole to continue to fuck with my life.
I am done having dreams that wake me up in tears.
I saw this and it fits well, even a week after I wrote this.
“You can spend minutes, hours,
days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put
the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you
can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.”
Tupac Shakur 
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