White Knuckled Expectation

The fear is creeping in again.

My girlfriend and I are spending a weekend apart, the first such weekend since we started seeing each other.  I know it all sounds sweet and mushy.  I will miss her and she says she will miss me and we hugged and kissed and spent one last night together before we are apart for two days.  That’s right, 48 hours.  I laugh about it because it is sappy and that sentiment feels good.  I shake my head, too, because I am a guy and guys don’t feel stuff, right?  There is also the anxiety, the reminder that I don’t completely trust her, the fear. 

All of this stems from my attachment to her and her actions.  I have tied my happiness to the actions of this woman and that is a dangerous and self-destructive thing to do.  When we place our peace of mind in the control of something outside of ourselves, it is like trusting a child with a stranger.  Most people are good and they will take care of it.  But there are some who won’t. 

Reading that, I see where my fear is coming from and I hate it.  It is the same old story of my insecurities and this ridiculous issue with trust being thrust into the open again.  I have to remind myself that she is who she is.  She is not something or someone else and has not hurt me.  We place the ghosts of our pasts onto the people of our present.  I am scared of something that has not happened.  It is not real.  I am jumping at the thought of shadows.  When I step back and look at it, I am ashamed. 

Instead of enjoying the fact that I will have a weekend with other friends and a chance to catch up with them, I am focused on the absence of someone.  I am focused on what they might do.  I have gotten lost in the abscess of my fears.  It is irritating.  The truth is, I really like this woman and in liking her I have transferred fears and baggage on to her.  She has not done anything to break my trust and has repeatedly reassured me of her feelings.  There are moments when I can’t read her and it is in these moments that I focus.  These spaces in between the light are going to ruin me.  She might do something to break my trust, yes.  Then again, she might not.  Knowing her, there is more of a chance that she won’t do anything and I will have been sitting here fretting and biting my nails for no reason.  

What I like is that I caught it before it got too big.  If nothing else, I know that I am learning and growing and gaining some sense of sanity.  I read what I have written and see old patterns reasserting themselves; the attachment, the fear, the jealousy, all coming up and rearing their stupid heads.  The difference is that I see them for what they are.  

So, how do I deal with them? 

By stepping back and looking at these situations with honest eyes, with the mindset of being open with ourselves, we can see what the feelings actually are and where they live.  I get the impression that this stuff comes up from the deep wells of our own psyche and is rarely, if ever, manifested from others.  The jealousy, the fear, the anxiety all lie within our minds and are the cause and often the results of a white knuckled grip on what we believe should be instead of what is.  With expectations in place, we set ourselves up for suffering.  With a firm attachment to those expectations, we are set up for more suffering.  By letting go of that (there is that whole letting go theme coming back) stuff, there is a chance for some peace of mind. 

What happens is what happens.  How we react is what we can control. 

So, I won’t hold on to what I believe will happen or should happen.  I will focus on what is happening.  This weekend will be what it is and I will focus on the moment.  I look forward to Sunday, though.  I will see her on Sunday and that thought, right now, makes me smile.