Figments of Feelings

Insecurity, Anxiety, Fear.
The poisons that, too often, rule our lives. 

They push us to depression and anger and jealousy and are toxic to our existence.  So, I have been searching for an answer, a cure if you will, so that I might find some peace of mind.  Writing here is part of that search.  I think that quite a few of my recent posts have been centered around this theme and it helps to look at such abstract concepts in this format.  They become black and white.  They become somewhat solid and can be seen in a different light, from a different angle. 
I find that I read about things I do not understand.  So, I have been reading about insecurity and anxiety, fear and jealousy.  It seems I am not the only one to walk this fucked up road.  Everyone does.  This little tidbit has been really helpful for me.  You see, we are not alone and I think that the loneliness, the feeling that you are the sole traveler in a world too big to really comprehend is scary (fear).  Finding out that it is normal and that you are not the only one (anxiety) and you are not actually all that much different from everyone else (insecurity) is like finding a life raft in a stormy ocean.  You haven't found shore, but at least you aren't drowning.  It is really interesting to see how others deal with it, too.  They may not have the answer, but a seed may be planted from the words and thoughts and ideas they share.  It gives you something to think about other than what you are torturing yourself with.  It also gives you new weapons to beat back the oncoming depression that results from finding yourself lost on the massive ocean of your mind. 
One bit of advice that I have read has been to step back and look at the object of your anxiety or fear or whatever and really stare it down.  Check out the back and front.  Flip it over and read the label.  Break it down and find out what it is all made of.  Really meditate on it and see it for what it is. 
Nothing.
It is a figment.  It is a creation of all things negative made real and whole within the confines of our mind.  But outside of that, it is nothing. 
Trust me when I say that I recognize the simplicity of writing that and the complexity of truly realizing and accepting it.  Too often our fears become reality and the anxiety gains ground.  I think that this is where we have to find a way to recognize that our attachment to things is a source of our struggle. 
A source of anxiety for me is this woman and her friend.  It is a source of anxiety because I want to believe that she and I have a level of permanency.  It is sad to think of her not being around and that would be the result of her acting in a certain way with this guy.  But the truth is, she and I are not forever.  Nothing is.  We could be together 30 years and still not be permanent. 
It is a real struggle for me and I am worried about it because I wonder if it is going to be the norm for me if I don't find a way to get over it.  It is frustrating, this feeling.  It is ugly and destructive and it is a seemingly insurmountable wall. 
I have also read that finding the source of you anxiety and fear can help you remove it from your life.  At first thought, that would mean that I should avoid relationships.  But it is not the relationships that are the issue.  The fears are not born from dating someone.  They are born from something inside me.  That is why these feelings are so challenging.  To fix them, I have to find out what part of me needs work.  Staying away from women isn't the answer.  The emotions are still there.  They just lie dormant.  I would not be able to grow within myself.  It has been said that facing our greatest challenges can lead to the greatest improvements.  So, we shouldn't run or hide.  We should face them. 
And, so, I do. 
I am getting tired of talking about this and I imagine that anyone reading this drivel is also tired of it.  The benefit of the reader is that they can choose to not read.  What I would like is that same choice.  My hope is that I will be able to choose to not allow these feelings to enter my line of sight and cloud my vision. 
Someday.  Till then, I read and work, as we all do when we find struggles and challenges in our lives.